Five Reasons Your Wife Won’t Have Sex with You

I wrote a post a couple of months ago called Five Reasons You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Day. Some people loved it, some people hated it. While the spectrum of responses did not shock me, the fact that they were weighted to the “love” side surprised me. I was only called an idiot once and dumb ass twice, so maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. Today after months of obstacles (Hello, Cancer. I am looking at you, you and you) I am finally sitting down to continue the conversation. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Just one request. If you are going to call me names, please think of something more creative than dumb ass. I know you can do it. (One woman did say I was a prostitute for having sex with my husband, so there was SOME degree of imaginative thought the last go around.)

And finally, looking for some sexual know how? Check out my Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and Even Better Intimacy.

In my last “get it on” post I told women that if they want their husbands to act like a man, they should treat him like a man. It seems like such a simple statement but we live in a time in which gender roles are growing, changing and stretching. In so many ways the attributes that made our grandfathers men are no longer considered mandatory for the manhood of today. Some of the changes I lament and others I welcome with the slow clap of victory. I have a book’s worth of opinion to write on the subject. However, for the purpose of this article I will keep my definition of manhood constrained to that portion that affects the husband segment of the population.

Ready? Let’s go.

A man is not made by physical strength, a sense of superiority or rigidity. Manhood is not predicated upon an ability to fix, make or shoot. A real man is not ashamed of softness, but he does not bow in the face of hard things. The things that make a man have nothing to do with class, race or rank. Rather manhood is found in the core values that bind together people as diverse as the gentleman scholar and warrior soldier. A man puts the woman he loves first. He wakes up at night with crying babies and closes the door as he leaves the bedroom so that his wife can sleep while he soothes. He works every day, inside and outside the house, for the life his family deserves. He knows that in marriage there is no “his and hers”, there is only “ours”. He knows this applies to the drudgery as thoroughly as it applies to the joy.  A man gives happiness before he asks for any in return.

I think there are a lot of men and women still trying to understand what manhood means and where it has a place in their lives. Some maintain 1950’s sensibilities in a world that has outgrown them like a pair of childhood saddle shoes. Others were told by people “who knew best” what to expect or deserve and woke up one day disillusioned because the people “who knew best” were wrong. Many don’t know they have the questions but sense they are short of answers. And all the while it becomes harder and harder to hold onto physical and emotional intimacy.

There are so many men that come home each day, throw their socks on the floor, turn on the TV and wonder why the women they love have stopped wanting them as men. And so many of the wives in those homes lean against the wall and wonder when that boy they married will start acting like the man they thought he would grow up to be. Then the kids go to bed, the lights are turned off and they each fall asleep until the next morning that leads to the next distant night.

Sex is at once so much more than anything else and so much less. It is a sacred language only the two of you speak and a good laugh. It is slow and love and fast and lust. It is give and take. It is an escape from the everyday and a return to yourself. It is reality and fantasy. It is need right now and forever I promise. It is giggles and fizzles and fireworks and almost there and don’t let go. It is important.

And many men can’t figure out why they’re not having it.

Ahem. Hello Sir. Yes, you. Go ahead and turn the TV off, put away the video games, walk away from the preparations for the boys only camping trip. I want to have a few words with you. You know that girl you married? The one that hasn’t let you touch her for days, weeks, months, years? Well, she’s not having sex with you for some pretty damn good reasons. If you promise to be nice, I can let you in on five of them right now. Put on your big boy pants and get ready for some truth bombs.  (Don’t worry too much, I think you are man enough to take it.)

Now, on to the things you need to do, haven’t done and can learn with flair.

1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.

You need to listen. A woman needs you to listen to their dreams, their concerns, the way a day has made her feel and the aftermath of her successes and failures. Listening to your wife is one way of showing her that she is not just a reflection glanced upon at the end of each day. It is a way of communicating to her that you know she is complete and important and of worth.

You need to remember.  And I am not just talking birthdays and anniversaries. (Although I would strongly suggest you don’t forget those.) Of course, every now and then remember to bring home your wife’s favorite flower or a packet of those pens she loves or tickets to that concert she mentioned a few months back. It is amazing what the simplest gesture will do for a woman that loves you. Also remember who your sweetheart is, remember where she hopes to go, who she hopes to become. And then on the days when the world gets too big and the rooms are too small she can call on you and you can help her remember, too. It is amazing what striving to understand the woman you love will do for the life you have together.

You need to say thank you. It can be a tiring place, this happily ever after. Yes, there is love and there are kitchen dances and sweet cream baby cheeks. But there are also sleepless nights and mortgages and post baby stretch marks. Thank her for every long day and long night. Thank her for every smile and laugh out loud. Thank her for your babies. Thank her for the dreams she pursues and the ones she puts on hold. Gratitude is often an action. Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, “Thank you.”

Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?

ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.

2. Take her out on a date at least twice a month. Put on spiffy clothes and take her to a restaurant, museum, movie or stroll around downtown. Open her door and put your hand on the small of her back. Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race. Making out in the car before driving home (while optional) is strongly suggested.

3. If you want your wife to treat you like a man, you have to act like a man. Your wife did not marry you in order to raise you. She does not live to wash your dishes, pick up your socks or put the kids to bed by herself while you watch the game for “just five more minutes”. (Although she will happily do all of those things once in a while just because she can.) You are not her project or responsibility. There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.

Your wife married you because she decided her life would be richer and more meaningful with you as a partner. Stop trying to prove her wrong. You are her ally in adventure, tedium, fear, joy, laundry, dishes, children, lack and plenty. There is no such thing as women’s work or men’s work. There is only your life’s work together and she needs you to roll up your sleeves and dig in right alongside her. Cook dinner, change diapers and kiss bruised knees. You will be amazed at how much more happily (eagerly!) a woman will share her body when she knows you are there to share all the big and small parts of her life.

Side note: If I hear one more of you say you are “babysitting the kids” while your wife is gone, I will start handing out copies of The Feminine Mystique. (And nobody wants that.) They are your kids as thoroughly as they are hers. You aren’t babysitting, you are parenting. When she leaves don’t make her feel guilty, don’t ask her to take the baby with her (she will if she wants to) and don’t text or call to ask when she is coming home. They are just children, for heaven’s sake. I think you can handle it.

4. She needs a moment in each day that is just about her.  Your wife needs time and space, two things that are in short supply in a life full of work and play dates and pick ups. She needs room to breathe, create, to stop and do nothing at all. Every woman is different. Some of us dive into bubble baths, others walk under the stars and some (this one included) write until they find themselves at the end of a sentence. Remind her to escape. It will help her remember she wants to come back. When she returns she will be rejuvenated and renewed, the absolute opposite of, “Not tonight, honey. I am too tired.” Hint. Hint.

5. It isn’t any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not. For reasons unknown, the female orgasm has been shrouded in a cloak of mystery and unattainability. (In case you were wondering, the cloak is made of polyester and really doesn’t breathe well.) I have to lay the blame for the perpetuation of this myth at the feet of men. I believe the accepted reasoning goes something like this: “Female sexuality is very different from male sexuality therefore the workings behind it must be impenetrable.” (IMPENETRABLE! I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)

This, of course, is not true.

I had a professor that once gave the perfect description of the differences between the two sexes, ahem, “get up and go”. He said male sexual arousal and orgasm was like turning on a light. Locate the switch, turn it on, and let there be light. Mr. Professor then said female sexual arousal and orgasm was more like flying a plane. Once you get in the cock pit you have to flip switches and buttons in the right sequence in order to prepare for takeoff. The process is slightly more involved and yes, you have to get a feel for it. But once you do… holy cow, the sky is the limit. (Oh my gosh, I hope my Dad stopped reading two paragraphs ago.)

Don’t be intimidated. At any given moment most men can explain the rules behind the BCS, know what is happening under the hood of their favorite car and quote stats from sports people only care about when the Olympics comes around. You guys are capable of processing information and applying it in life. That is the only skill needed here. No magic involved. Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to’s are not a secret. Don’t be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden.  

Hello again, sir. How are you doing? Did I say orgasm too many times? I am so sorry.

Orgasm.

Alright, so maybe you haven’t been at the top of your game the past few hours, days, weeks, months or, ahem, years. One of the purest joys of life is our ability to change for the better. Start now. Leave the TV off, take a break from the video games and postpone that camping trip. You have work to do and what a great work it is.

And my goodness, isn’t she worth it?

Hell, yes.

Audrey gets it.

Also, these are just five of the thousands (millions?) possible reasons your wife won’t have sex with you! For better or worse, there are so many more. (This disclaimer for all the commenters that seem to think that one blog post could/should cover every possible cause for a sexless marriage. Ahem. You know who you are.)

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February 7, 2013  |  life in progress  |  ,  | 


338 Comments


  1. oh how i love this article! very well said there! can’t add anything better!:)go Meg!

    • Oh my goodness! Thank you! Go Inna!

    • hi I have done evrything thing you said in that post. i always cook help clean let her have her space ! we have been married for 3 years and she used to crave sex always in thre beginning. i raised my two sons by my self for 16 years alone no woman at all i did not have time, so i have know and even dated my wife since 1978 (went our seperate ways and 30 years later we found each other ) we rewconnected 4 years ago so now that I am haveing sex again it took me a while to GET IT BACK and have confidence and now when i want sex she says im tired or i drank too much and when we do have sex now i ususally like to please her first but that last 3 or four times she lets me have my orgasm frst and then i say ok now it is your turn and she says no im good and i say why and then she says im sore down there or im dry or what ever the excuse is she seems to have lost interest and i asked her whats up ? she said we have been marriwed now for a while and the whole meeting someone new you know the novalty has worn off do i need to worry about this what the hell am i supposed to do i have totally changed and tried breing what she wanted me to be and im really thinking that she might be not interested in me any more maybe she wants it from someone else . and by the way you are stereo typing men we are not all the same .I will not call you anynames but your wrong a lot of men are sensditive and im one of them

      • Mike,

        Of course many men are sensitive! Even the ones that need to fix the five things I listed are good men (at least much of the time). This is simply an article detailing SOME of the reasons women won’t have sex. There are many more reasons. Some good, some bad. I appreciate you not calling me names..that would seem unnecessary. I hope you and your wife find happiness. It sounds like marriage counseling is in order. (And that is okay. All marriages can benefit from that at one point or another.)

        meg

        • meg i only said that thing about someone calling you a name and also thaught that it is disrectfull your just trying tio help people !
          I am just confused in the beginning she just wanted that all the and the last two nights we had had sex when i try to please her she said that you go first and then when it is her tunr she is not interested in havre the pleasure on her part I do not want to her to have sex just becouse she may think she is doing it just so i will not complaine I would rather not do it unless she feels like doing it right where we both are satisfied and she also said that the newness of the relationship like the first few months where passion is endless i dont know what she is telling me or am i just trying to hard. I do love her but she has ben married once before and cheated she said she did it when knew her marrage was over but still married it was with an ex boss who she still has had contact with not recently but she has had lunch with him sa while back i did not know that this was the guy that she so called friends with benifits she swares there is nothing going on but she works 4 houts away and stay there two nights a week so like i said i am very sensistive and am just dont want to get hurt again. thank you looking forword to your next reply . i will check back in later.

          • one last comment she is 47 she should be at her peak from what I have read about

          • Hey Mike, I think the best thing to do is go to a couples therapist or, if you are religious, your reverend or priest. Good luck.

          • good morning yes we do go to church and i wanted to tell you that in regards to your advice I started to give her space becouse I realized that she has a very damnding 13 year old daughtere and last night I just came home cooked dinner and cleaned up evrything and did not puty any preasure and gave her some space and I think that she likede that, and we did haver a talk and i told her what was on my mind and what i was thinking what she may or may not have been up too. so i think things will be ok I relize that she is feeling over whelmed between work me and her daughter not to mentrion her ex husband that is a total control freak so I have learned and understand a lot more from just talking to you and remebering those 5 rules to understand woman . thank you for your kind words and help .so for now things are looking better and I need to not be to sensistive and have moore self esteam ( sorry if my grammar is incorrect) have a great day and god bless you.
            ~mike~

          • Mike, 100% it’s hormones, specifically estrogen dominance. Symptoms include low libido and dryness among many more. Do some quick research. I started a bio identical progesterone cream for almost all possible symptoms a year ago and it gave me my life back! I also have five friends using it now and they love it! So do their husbands. I picked the cream by beeyoutiful.com. Give it a try!

      • Mike, you are a chump. Please don’t take that the wrong way. Your wife is not interested in you and she is in denial about it. What she is not in denial about is the fact that she wants to have her yoga instructors babies and fantacizes about the male stripper she stroked at her relative’s bachorette party a couple months ago.

        Articles like this present a complex maze of “do this do that” trying to make you (and the women themselves) believe they are largely non-sexual and can’t achieve orgasms etc etc. Fact is that if this were the cave man days, shed have left you cave a long time ago. So its not so much that she doesn’t want to clean the house or pick up your socks (the assumption there is that women are mostly clean and organized men are mostly disshevelled and dirty – all the time). Its that she doesn’t want to clean YOUR house and pick up YOUR socks. Harsh but true.

        • Ogese, you are so right on!This stuff about washing dishes and picking up socks. Yeah, for sure do it…but that doesn’t help you get laid. Mama’s head is somewhere else, and no matter what you do, it ain’t there for you. So save yourself the rose petals and expensive dinners. Get her a vibrator, and take a side trip south of the border every full moon.

      • Notice the cop out reply she gave you? Women don’t like to deal with the truth about themselves. They’d rather point the finger and place blame on men. You wanna know the truth about your wife? Are you ready? She wants a man that’s not available to her. Women are turned on by men that are unavailable such as cheaters, married men, gay men, and players. Whatever label you want to use.

        The moment a man commits to an American woman she loses interests there is no more challenge. And the more you tolerate this behavior from her and wait and wait for her to see the error of her ways the worst she will treat you and eventually cheat on you if he hasn’t already. Counseling is a bunch of useless mumbo jumbo. Fix yourself up. Sharpen your dating game and kick that heffa to the curb. You’ll feel much better when she’s out of your life.

        • This entire article reeks of a movie line I remember…

          “How do you write women so well?…

          …I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.”

          Gimme a break, ladies. It’s the ‘guy’s fault’ you have lost your sexuality? It’s the guy’s fault you don’t orgasm? How about taking responsibility for your own bodies’, instead of blaming the guys’ for all that is not right in your world?

          Next you’ll say, it’s the guy’s fault you take a stinky dump in the morning. It’s the guy’s fault you have a monthly period. Hell, if you cannot take ownership of your own bodies, then none of your bodily functions are your doing; it’s somebody else’s fault, certainly not yours! Pfffft… “Honey, don’t make me fart while we’re waiting in line at Wal-Mart!”

          Are you kidding me?! Ladies, it’s quite seductive (pun intended) to allow yourselves to buy into the notion that anything ‘wrong’ with you MUST be someone else’s fault. Hell, I might also have fallen prey to such intoxicating lyrics, but let’s put this into perspective.

          If you hold guys to a certain standard of responsibility, but ladies have a different, shall we say, less stringent standard of responsibility… are you admitting guys are more responsible than ladies? Would this also imply that men and women have different rights BECAUSE men are more accountable for their actions than women are?

          Heaven’s forbid… is he using the dreaded ‘reason’ we are always made to suffer and listen to?…

          You see, if you claim a woman’s bodily functions are not of her own account, then you admit men are more accountable for their own functions. If that is true, then men have different rights than women have, because we are held to a different, HIGHER, standard than women.

          I think those who endured women’s suffrage and liberation would be highly disappointed due to the regress of women’s right’s and equality.

          Personally, if a woman has not taken the time to figure her own sexuality out, that is her own fault, not the latest sap she’s conned into taking the fall for.

          But, if you take away my reason and accountability, you get… ;D

          • I totally agree! This all sounds like “blame it on the guy” it’s our fault they’re not intimate with us! It’s our fault they don’t treat us like men! And so on… I’ve been married for 10 years and every night it’s another excuse to the point I quit trying. It’s not that deep… Accept some responsibility in this!

          • She has an article addressing women about their roles. Yeesh.

          • Guys,
            Check out marriedmansexlife.com. It is a website devoted to fixing what is really wrong with your relationship (not like the tripe in this article) to get more sex.

      • Okay, here’s something that is very common but lovers often miss it.

        Depression.

        One of the symptoms of depression is a low or no sex drive. I highly suggest you… I don’t know, observe your wife without seeming like a stalker? Does she do things that used to interest her like watch TV?

    • Your wife is not having sex with you because she is having sex with her colleagues from work or maybe the neighbor.

      She is doing this because those men are physically more attractive and seem/are richer and more fun than you are.

    • Lol…you women are demanding. Why do we have to do

    • Wow just asking for sex. Why do i have to do sooo much for sex. Why dont you buy me fing flowers i like flowers too. These articles are so damn sexist i just want what you gave me at the beginning. I have been looking for advice on this for a while and everyone just says “do more for her and then some more and then more and then some more and then you will have sex” not asking for a kidney or a huge favoure. Just asking for sex ladies. You know what a difference between a childhood best friend and a intimate partner are? Sex. Also isnt it enoughthat i watch all the crappy shows with you and pretend to care and hang out with your shitty friends and never bitch. Why is it so hard for women to have fun with their partner? Not asking you to lick my ass or anything just sex. I dont even ask for oral and give her oral everytime untill she is satisfied. Even took her to paris and shit. Stop acting like having sex is like giving up a organ. And stop being so damn sexist and tell us that the reason we are not having sex is because we.dont buy you enough fucking flowers or dont listen to you when you dont buy us flowers and act annoyed when i talk about my work buddies.

      • wow you need to calm down and control yourself a bit. Just because it’s the internet doesn’t give you the right talk like a fool.

        I am newly-wed, love my husband like crazy, and HE’s the one that doesn’t want sex. I want it every single flippin day! He’s good with twice a month if I’m lucky.

        I will say though that if/when my husband buys me flowers (rarely) or cooks (never happens) or takes me on a date (never happens) or if he would do any kind thing for me ever I would be on him like a dog on a bone. It makes me look at him differently. Want him more.

        You sound like doing these things for someone you love is a chore. Not good. Women aren’t dumb. Maybe she picks up on the vibe. Like you honestly don’t care about anything she does or says and fake it all. If I were her, I would turn and run away as fast my legs could carry me. Regardless of a fancy shamcy trip to Paris.

        • I am just as happy with a dandelion from the yard as I am with a dozen roses. It’s not the money spent but the gesture; or the idea that he saw something pretty and thought of me.

          Don’t know why it’s so hard to meet each others needs on an ongoing basis. Everybody has different needs and none are wrong or bad.

          And sometimes, honestly, I don’t need or want to orgasm, but still want to make him feel good. When he makes a big deal about it, it makes me less likely to make the same effort next time. Take it as the selfless offering that it is, And hold her tight when she’s done pleasing you.

          I think that men experience things during the day, and as soon as the event is over, it’s done for them. Women stew things over in their heads for hours – sometimes days. We can’t help it. So by bedtime, her head is swarming with the days baggage and it’s hard to focus on making love.

          I love the suggestion of honoring her quiet time; alone time is a rarity for me, and often seems to fuel resentment. If he hadn’t busted in on my bubble bath and yelled at me for ignoring him, he’d probably have gotten lucky when I was done with my bath. Sometimes you guys seal your own fate.

          Another reminder – the words you choose are directly linked to her vagina; they can make or break your snuggle time later.

          Oh yeah, and remember that if you (men and women) keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got.

          All of this’d assuming your spouse is relatively normal and not an emotional freak show.

          • Wow really another fucking hippy for shit feelings you know what I was a man whore never believed in love for the longest time due to having my heart broken and then met a girl named jen we had a child and got married well guess fucking what the more you give the more they take she stays at home all day while I work my ass of and she cheks her fucking facebook all damn day I buy her stuff I am romantic i actually lost weight since we have been together I try to do stuff with her but she always has an excuse so explain that shit to me huh exactly women are so two faced i mean they act so real and true but as soon as they get your last name who hooo no more making love no more having fun she can leave you with the kids after working 80 hr work weeks and being completely exhausted and she can go have fun with her friends but when you even mention that you want to hangout next door with a friend or go fishing for an hour it is in the wrong or the excuse my back hurts or i need help wih the kid please this is why as people we can not have nice things and dear author i am a psychologist with a mastersdegree please get your psychy checked the fuck out you sexist bitch

          • I guess I should throw a hissy fit as well. I went back to work so my husband could attend college and get his degree. He still gropes me on a daily basis. I work 40 hours a week to provide for the family. I guess he doesn’t realize I am more than a sex.
            Seriously your rant made you look sexist.

          • Another reminder – the words you choose are directly linked to her vagina; they can make or break your snuggle time later.

            EXACTLY!

        • No offense intended, but a newlywed has no opinion on this matter unless you’ve been married before or are an older adult. You have no idea what it’s like to work hard to please someone for 15+ years and it’s never good enough for them.

          I am nothing but a bank to my wife. I pay all of the bills–ALL of them. We have 4 kids together, so there’s no just walking away. I’ve tried everything under the sun. I am held accountable for every moment of my day but she can come and go as she pleases. IT is absolutely a double standard and these “It’s all the man’s fault” articles are just passive feminism. And you know what? Despite it all, I still love her. I am USED UP, but I treat her with respect.

          I gave up on sex 4 years ago. IT was just too much goddamned work and I was exhausted from jumping through all her hoops for sex. So I gave up. Withholding emotional intimacy–nevermind sex–is grounds for divorce. I am sensitive. I tried HARD to make it work. I’m good in bed, by the way–she always had multiples. We were always hot under the sheets but IN HER F’ED UP HEAD is where the problem lies. At a certain point, I couldn’t deal with her anymore. We haven’t even slept in the same bed for two years and I see no good ending in this. Why? Because SHE is not accountable for her choices. I AM.

    • Interesting approach, all ownership is on the man.
      Women drive relationships to marriage and then
      children. They get what they want and then become
      unhappy and are no longer attracted to the man they
      have.

      Men have improved greatly as fathers and husband
      from the 60′s, 70′s and 80′s. We became more enaged
      in caring and parenting for our children as we should have.
      We have become highly sensitive and intune with our SO.

      Serously, men have evolved to better fathers, husbands and
      lovers in the last 30 years.

      Women have driven themselves the opposite direction. They
      focus on themselves and quite frankly have become more
      narrasitic and focused mainly on their needs and wants.
      Men are simply an object, provider or a means to a status.

      Women file 70-75% of divorces in the US. So the basis
      of the article is really reinforces this very common dis
      connective behavior which is utlized as an excuse to have
      an affair or end the marriage. Women are encouraged to
      take Vegas trips, party weekends etc. So the sweet talking
      bar boy gets the loving that the hard working caring loving
      father should get.

      So, i tip my hat to the continually development of the narrassitic
      women…

      • You must have met my wife. They can’t all be the same? PFFT. Of course they are because they all share notes and decided “after you let him screw you for a while, screw him over for everything he’s got, use him up, and then he’ll die from a stress-induced illness and you won’t have to worry about him any more”. That about sums it up?

      • It is really frustrating, because I have been married 3 years now, and before we got married we had sex like rabbits 2 or 3 times a day. Now it is maybe once a week, and I am doing everything to be as romantic as I can with my wife. I’m not stupid, and I know that she is just not sexually attracted to me anymore, but when I talk to her about this she just says that she is sooo attracted to me, and that she just is tired all the time. Whatever the excuse is. She is just never interested in sex anymore, and as soon as I try to get sexual with her she gives me attitude to stop. It is really making me depressed. I don’t have any idea what to do anymore, because I try to talk to her seriously about this, and I tell her all of my true feelings, but she just tells me that she loves me so much and that she wants me sexually and all that. But where is it? I just don’t understand women I guess. Men need sex from their woman, it makes us feel wanted, because it proves to us men that we are still attractive to them. Sex to women is no big deal, but sex to a man is a stressful, and a very hard thing to accomplish (meaning giving a woman an orgasm). If they cut off sex, than we can only think that there are into or having sex with someone else.

        • If this is true, and I have no reason to believe that it’s not….

          Oh, man, I hate saying this, but Dan Savage is right. DTMFA (Dump The MF’er Already).

          Is she cheating? Is she interesting in someone else? Perhaps, perhaps not. But if she is obviously lying to you about her interest in you, and shows no interest in changing…you are only wasting both of your time. Go out and find someone who really wants you, and who shares your interests. And don’t rush to marry again; be sure it’s real before jumping again.

          I hate saying things like this. I’m a romantic, and I never want to see people break up unnecessarily. But…this cannot end well as it stands, and there appears to be no willingness for her to change it.

    • I’m close to giving up even trying! My wife doesn’t seem to enjoy sex nor want it very often….most times its once a month, and if i’m lucky its twice. For me, performing oral is a HUGE part of intimacy, and making love. Half the time, IF she decides to give in, she doesn’t want that (although she orgasms every time when I do) and just wants a “quickie” to, in my mind “get it over with”. I’m left feeing that its “me” she doesn’t want to be with, or that although she may love me, doesn’t enjoy sex with me. In the event I approach this with her, she just gets mad at me and says “I never said that”. I’ve been married for 10 years now, and am desperate to add some excitement to our sex life, and she doesn’t seem open to that either. So as I started this reply, I will end it. I’m close to giving up even trying anymore

    • Tell me one thing miss know it all, is there one situation where the women might be at fault or only the thousands of reason why it is always the men’s fault? I do most of the house and yard work, including cooking and laundry. I am the main bread winner of our house. Also, I stopped asking for my once a year sex four years ago. FYI, I am still a faithful man.

      • “I am the main bread winner” that’s your problem right there. That attitude is off putting. No woman wants to be in competition with their husbands. You act like you are superior and that just because you do all the things you listed (which every grown man does for HIMSELF) that you are entitled for sex from her regardless of how she feels. You sy you do most of the housework, yet you mention no gratitude towards her doing anything at all.

        • Janice,

          Unless he is abusive, once a year sex is unacceptable. Period. Why do you think it is ok for a woman just decide for her husband that he no longer can have sex, and he must just accept her control over him. If he decide she could no longer engage in some activity you would call it controlling, but since it s the woman it somehow ok in your mind. If she would have told him before marriage and kids that he was going to relegated to once a year sex, I guarantee he would have not signed up.

        • Right there with you,i work 12 hour days, come home and clean, put kids to bed and seriously getting no sex for months. I love my wife won’t leave her or kids, but its frustrating to try. Resolved myself to sadness and masturbation.

    • This article does enlighten me one bit on what to do in my relationship.

    • This article is the worst crock of shit I’ve ever read… And I’m a woman..
      Men and women are simply different…regardless of what happens, with holding sex should never happen.. Unless u want your husband to become addicted to porn or worst – cheat.. The last thing u want your husband to think is that you don’t love him .. And if u understand anything about men, the biggest way they realize a wife’s love is her giving her body… Whom ever wrote this article is not a Christian. Frustration should never lead to with holding sex…simply finding a solution is..withholding isn’t the answer

      • I am 42 married for 22 yrs and i have to say tina i love you.well said

      • If only my wife had your attitude :)

        I’ve given up begging for sex, heck, even for just some level of physical contact a few years ago. I’m married only 10 years and we live more like two friends, we share a bed but I’ve given up trying to even get a quick peek on the cheek or a hug at night. If ever we do have sex, 2-3 times a year at most, it’s clinical, totally for her satisfaction and usually I just end up more frustrated.

        We have a good life, no money troubles, lots of foreign holidays, short breaks and eat out frequently, we get on well and enjoy most of the same things. I just find it harder and harder to live my life without any intimacy or closeness. Any time we discuss this it turns into “maybe if you did x or y around the house then I’d be more interested, but really, I think the husband not doing his bit is just an over played excuse.

        2-3 years ago, I started a new business, while getting our three kids up, feed and out to school very morning, I make the lunches, do the weekly food shop, wash and iron all my own clothes, put the kids to bed every night and do a bit of general house keeping. As the business, took off, I do less around the house now, but still I cook all meals during the weekend and give my wife breakfast in bed every weekend. Either way, there has been no difference in the sex department. So please don’t tell me I need to be more attentive. Some married friends I have, yes some men do talk to each other about these things, are in a similar situation, albeit all at different levels of frustration.

        Sex drive differences aside, I believe it comes down to women “settling” on a partner. I can only conclude my wife settled on me as “good” partner and capable provider but that love in the true sense was not there. It’s possible to fool one self or keep up a pretence for a while, maybe even a few years, but as the years go by it’s obvious that the foundation was not there.

        I do love my wife and I guess deep down I knew she was settling for me, but I always hoped that over time she’d grow to love me. Just now, with every passing year, I’m finding I’m clinging to the memories of the woman I married and it’s that early time together and those memories and our kids that stop me from leaving.

        I’ve never been unfaithful but I’m human and while I’m in a position to have an affair quite easily, it’s something I would never consider. I’ve toy’d with the idea of just engaging an escort or perhaps a casual one night stand while away on business purely just for that physical contact.

        My wife has joked about how she wouldn’t be surprised if I was having an affair or at times how it would be ‘good for me’. As a said, 2 friends chatting, not the type of conversation I imagined I’d be having with my wife. The thing is, I believe she is happy, she is not looking for anything else in a partner and is content the way things are, probably more so now that I’ve just stopped completely trying to coax some affection my way.

        I think people need to be honest with themselves first. Why can’t we generally speak openly about relationships and as a society debate about relationships and feelings and what makes a good relationship. Too many “happy couples” close their doors in the evening to a different scenario and then blame their problems on some nonsense they picked out of an opinion article. I believe most where people can’t or won’t really try and understand and define their own feelings, it’s just so much easier to point to some article and say there’s the problem.

        So, please, less of these churned out nonsense articles that I feel more and more people actually convince themselves is true and lets try and get some articles that ask the hard questions and try get some level of understanding of the actual issue.

        • Every woman should read what Sony says. That’s what is going on in a man’s mind when his wife demonstrates no interest in sex. Could not have been better said. These kinds of articles cause women to believe that these excuses are acceptable and that men are like dogs who hear no and just slink off without any lasting pain, figuring on tying again another time. Men “ruminate” on your excuses, ladies. And just because they slink off, don’t think they bought your excuse. They are silently wishing they wouldn’t have married you too!

        • It’s interesting when someone actually lives your life exactly as you are living yours. I, too am not only a provider, I help out immensely around the house and coach my kids’ sports, plan trips and do the bed time-bath time routine…volunteer at school, when I can, etc. but my wife really isn’t in to me.

          The frustrating part is the concept of two grown, healthy, middle class adults living less connected than college roommates.

          My wife has endless energy for planning PTA events, fundraisers, girl weekends, recipe planning, meal planning, cooking club, wine nights and exercising, but no energy or interest in anything I do.

          She always comments on how different we are, I just think it’s interesting how she finds time to “bend” her friends activities into something she does, but never, ever will try anything with me.

          She would only attend a sporting event if the kids were involved; out drinking, only with the girls; watching TV, only her shows; travel, only places she wants to go, never my ideas. Household, always her ideas, none of mine.

          I honestly think she is having a mental affair with our handiman, who is very cool and married to her co-worker, but they have a great bond and although he is fat with a pony tail, they seem to click. He is handy and a craftsman, I am not. He doesn’t watch sports and drinks craft beer and gardens; I like politics, travel and sports, both spectator and participant.

          The bottom line of no sex sucks ass. She doesn’t want to kiss, she has no interest in sex and never, ever intiates it. Even on getaways, she has no inkling to flirt, tease, be sexy or wear anything risque/. On vacation, she wears a tank top and shorts. When we go out, same thing, looks like a soccer mom…when the girls are heading out, it’s makeup, heels and the newest Nordstrom $100 t-shirt and perfume.

          I am so desperate for closeness, just a nice cuddle would be nice, but she is repelled by me, so it’s useless. She will sit on her computer or text people at night vs. talking to me. I have read them on occasion, and frankly, it’s stuff about elementary school, cooking club or some child’s birthday party.

          I, too have never cheated, but the thought of coming home to my ex-girlfriend (my current wife) who was fun, sexy and interested is very appealing. I wonder if anyone else out there feels like this?

        • Wow, I have to say reading Sony and Brandon, Walter’s stories below makes we want to run to my husband and give him a long wet french kiss. I am a hot blooded woman who loves my husband very much and even I sometimes just really don’t feel like having sex. It could be a lot of things but reading how it affect you guys just makes me realise that using it as excuses are just not worth it.

          Often I have sex with hubby when I don’t feel like it though because well, its the right thing to do ladies! Many will disagree but I have to tell you that I certainly have a lot of friends that agrees that a wife should never withhold sex from her husband. Some of us get that and we try to be the wife’s you fell in love with years ago.

          To the girls I want to say that it lies within your power to make your husband happy. But I also realise that some women are just too brainwashed by society (and not to offend you, but American society is just a little f-upped)and their friends to look within and make things right.

          Maybe it is not a man vs woman thing this. It is individuals and their emotional baggage. Good luck to you guys, I hope you find the peace and happiness (and sex!) you deserve!

    • Your 5 item’s you list are purely from your own observations. I have done ALL of them INCLUDING laundry which includes folding fresh out of drier and even go as far as cleaning the bathroom and encouraging her to take a bubbles. I’ve wined and dined EVERY Saturday for the last 2 months and still get NOTHING. So Megawonderful, please tell me where I went wrong.

    • Me too.

    • What a bunch of shit. The article might as well be titled “its all the guys fault”. Many wemon simply have very little sex drive, many decide they will stop having sex and gain a lot of weight now that they are mariage, some are complete basket cases riddled with body issues after child birth, some have hormone based issues like PCOS, some have their sex drives wiped out by birth control, yes some have husband they can no longer stand, some are bored, some are busy with kids and always tired. To say that man is being denied sex because he doesn’t plan dates is idiotic. If a woman wants to go on a date she is capable of planing it herself. Why is it the guys responsibility?

      • Ahh you see Tim, there you are erring as the common mouthpiece of a man all of us women know, you are already thinking why can’t a woman do it, perfectly capable of planning a date… a man planning a date is wonderful I do all the planning and it would be nice for once for him to do the thinking. I don’t think your ready for a relationship yet….

    • First of all, great article. My wife and I are really close friends. We laugh together and communicate well in all areas but “sex”. It’s never mentioned in this house because I brought up the topic before and she described herself as non-gushy (as in…she’s not the romantic type). My avg sex encounters happen about once every month and a half. I’m at a total loss as to what I can do to make her desire me. I’m a sensitive guy and honestly, this is destroying me.

      • You are not alone. My wife has no interest in me and generally refers to me as a leach whenever I try to initiate anything. It definitely sucks being with a woman with no sexual interest. I blame most of it on having kids. If you want to be celibate just have kids because it creates a world of excuses. Basically getting married and then the kids seemed to put a stop to things.

    • My wife told me tonight that she was glad that she was not as sexually attracted to me as much, and that makes it easier for her to do other things. We have four kids two are special needs, i get the kids up every morning, do all the yard work take care of the pool , cook wash dishes and everything else in-between. I know that she was going to mental health for depression before i married her but i can’t fix those issues so any advice here?

      • Special needs…it makes the woman feel as though something is wrong with her biology she can’t produce the right genes, perhaps it was medication that interfered. Any way god bless you for being the strong person here. It’s her not you as a woman, I can only attest she is mentally stressed with so much she can’t fathom sex, as it is too demanding of her emotionally and physically. For men it’s seems more of just a physical thing. Get away from the daily grind for a while if you can. Even though you do a lot of work she probably feels it’s not enough. Go talk with someone, it will help your state of mind.

    • well, what if you have been with the same woman 15 years, and you have done all these things, and she still wont do it with you?

    • YOU ARE SO WRONG!

      Seriously, do those things and she still whines it isn’t enough. The only thing that separates your wife from your friends (male or female)is sex. PERIOD. Guys stop following forums like this. Love is a choice, a chemical reaction caused by Serotonin, Dopamine, and Oxytocine.If she doesn’t “feel” like she is obligated to meet your needs you have no obligation to meet hers, 40 bucks in drinks and decent conversation will get you laid in a bar, club or any other social event. I know some feminist idiot will say “That guy is a jerk for saying that”, but ladies face it, your foremothers burned their bras for equality, welcome to the new millenium, your equal, means meet a mans needs he will meet yours, men if they don’t meet them, split, run and find someone who will. We are men, not fucking lapdogs there to appease some twat that is so needy we have to wipe their asses for them, hang on every word, and clean like maids in order to get made love to by the person that claims they love us. FUCK THIS FEMINIST DRIVEL so woman is out there right now looking to get laid, so fuck reading forums on how to get some selfish woman, that yo take care of, paythe bills for, clean up after and listen to how “so and so got a new manicure today” and pretend we’re genuinely interested when inside we hate “so and so” and couldn’t care less if they fell off a 90 story building. FIND a quick fix, move on and find a woman that actually respects you…

    • Maybe women should get their heads screwed on straight and open their legs more. Certain words unique to women have foundation somewhere from something. Perhaps look to your hang ups and generalization about men and YOU LISTEN and YOU REMEMBER. He can’t get from you what he needs where is he to get it. That’s why hookers becaome popular 4000 years ago.
      sho lighten up ladies.

      • Both parties in a relationship need to listen and remember. No one has the right to access someone else’s body. Women don’t need to “get their heads screwed on straight and open their legs more”. If she doesn’t want to have sex no one has the right to force her. Stop complaining about women who want an emotional connection involved with sex and enjoy your hookers.

    • All I can say is the following with a broken heart. Asking, saying thanks, paying attention, giving, saying ours instead of yours or mine, cooking, parenting, providing, helping, courtesy, listening and shutting my mouth, caressing, massaging, waking up to Cover the lo while in bed cause they are cold or just to kill some Mosquitos, cooking, responding well, helping also her parents and proctecting when physically needed, taking on the hardest or heaviest chores around the house as well as inside, sexually capable ( sometimes too much for her and bringing myself to slow dos cause of pain ) paying attention to all her buttons. You just described me and I know there are so many men who needed to be raised while in marriage, men who were pampered to the extreme by their mothers who basically made them to grown incapable of doing nothing other than watch tv and out the blame on the sex as if that certain things were to be for females and not for men such as cooking, laundry etc. you are right in all you wrote and the worst part is that this information is not out thre too much nor too often therefore men in some way are victims of this great ignorance or taboo which is talking about how to find the orgasm not in the woman but in oneself when the woman has reached the heaven. A man who has sex and finishes finds a great joy but a man who ales her woman finish in a pleasant orgasm will find the heaven while she is about to have it, while she has it and after she realizes that he is still there ready for her turn to turn around and give her her best consciously cause previously she was just in the orgasmic limbo. Sincerely I can say that I am a man about to divorce my wife cause like you said msg, if you want your man to be a man you as a woman must treat him as one and value him and see, and be humble not inky of what he does when he truly is a man but also the impact of his actions short term and long term. I will divorce my wife not because I don’t love her or care for her but because after years of horrible sex, never making love, only made feel as if I needed to be a provider which I have been but never founding reciprocity I have come to the realization that my wife is a passive aggressive therefore controlling, insecure, manipulative, un appreciative, in so many ways victim of her childhood and the fact that her parents never caressed her nor had time for her that she had to deal with this constant question about why is it that myoarents are like that when other parents hug and kiss their kids etc. I know she is not to be baked for that but we have gone to therapy where I am inky to be blamed for being with a passive aggresive who must likely will only be good to me or to another man when she needs something. I am sorry to say this but I am not perfect and in frustration I yelled and did not help those times as a man I admit I was of no help when upset and feeling rejected I screamed in desperation requesting her help and in some other occasions trying to make her feel the pain I was feeling with insults back and forth etc. I didn’t know I was with a passive aggresive person and after years of reading articles, books, psychologist therapies etc I can only say that I am sorry for being a human being who wanted and did care, loved, paid attention, listened and said thanks, paid components and gave her all before I gave myself for I found happiness in her smile when I came back from work with the groceries in my hand and with her vehicle already washed and fills with has so she wouldn’t have to do it ( yes that day of the week I took here to get it cleaned up and ready ) . And for what? Just t discover that she was a passive aggresive person, immature who never values who I was or what I did but I estate she bullied me in hundreds of emails with her friends trying to make herself look as a victim of a man who was too invading ( for years I had to work for sometimes 16 hours a day and I still came to give her company and cleaned the house and take care of our son ) Jesus I have done so much that it pains me to say this cause I have 4 sisters and a mother but a hooker with all due respect will make me feel in one hour what my wife hasn’t make me feel in 7 years even if I know it’s fake. I will leave her son and I will leave wonderng for sometime if I could have done more to help this but I am taking my life back wanting to find a normal imperfect woman who does have a pathological issue cause I know I have what it takes to listen, respect, care and love but I want to be loved too.

  2. Sex is good. The problem is, our culture has debased it to the level of shaking hands. Monogamous sex, with a spouse you respect, love, & with whom you can communicate, is something that is completely mindblowing.

    After 4 kids, & nearly 9 years of marriage (and a LOT of ups & downs), I can say, intimacy with my husband (yes, sex, which is part of that) has never been more fulfilling.

    (and I agree, practice does make perfect.)

    • Agree. Agree. Agree. Contrary to percieved notions sex in the circumstances you describe is absolutely bat out of hell fantastic. Thank you so much for your insight that while not all intimacy is sex, sex is intimacy.

      And it’s like our mothers said.

      Practice. Practice. Practice.

      Wink.

      • “Absolutely bat out of hell fantastic”. I love it! Amen sista friend.

        I’m thinking we should all print out this piece and the one that goes with it and give them as gifts to newlyweds. Or maybe paste a QR code on the wedding gifts that links back to here. :)

        • Load of crap. We barely have time for sex with 1 kid. And oh, she has an orgasm every time – so how’s that for motivation (no, not faked, I know the signs, breathing, heart rate, blushing etc. she’d have an oscar if she knew how to fake all those)
          Face it people, attraction fades with time. It’s not something new, it’s someone new that you may need.

    • Wow! Do you have a sister?!

  3. You are rad. I’m seriously developing a friend crush on you by virtue of your brilliant writing. (And the polyester cloak is hysterical!)

    • Chelsea, the crushing is oh so mutual. Let’s get lunch. I can be at the airport in 25 minutes. ;) And thank you so much for being so kind about my writing. My goodness, girl! Coming from you it means so much! Have a fantastic Thursday!

  4. Meg, you’re a genius, and an amazing writer!

  5. This post made me tear up a bit. Not because my husband is a douchbag or because I suffer with so many of these issues (although no one is perfect!), but because I know how heartfelt and passionate you are about wanting people to be happy, to reach their full potential and wanting to help them better their lives. I can always feel your sincerity and love in your writing. You are such an amazingly gifted woman and writer, and it is an honor to be your friend!

    • AMY! You are too good to me and give me FAR too much credit. But I love you dearly and am so happy you see me as being better than I really am. We all need friends like that.

      I am the one that is lucky to have you as a friend. Really. Truly. The end.

      • Ditto! Well said Amy. You’re so sincere and passionate and you swear so perfectly. I wish this post could have been a commercial during the Super Bowl. Love you Megs!

      • I’m with Amy. You’re so sincere and passionate and you swear so perfectly. I wish this post could have been a commercial during the Super Bowl. Love you Megs!

  6. Love it! These posts of yours are my favorite. Always a fun and introspective read.

    • Thank you! You are my favorite. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Thank you! Thank you!

      • …and by “these posts” I mean the posts that you tell it as it is… not necessarily the ones all about sex. Just realized my comment could be a little misconstrued. I may be called a prostitute myself soon. Oh geez. Digging a hole. Deeper and deeper. That’s what she said. Ok. I’m done now.

  7. Hey Meg, how about this one – Try!!! I laugh when dudes complain they can’t get any now that they’re married. Well how much effort did you put into it? I Remember as a single dude, staying up till 3am giving massages just hoping to make out. Now we as married men demand our sexual needs be met on demand or ELSE!
    Sorry dudes, our lack of sex is a choice we each make. And some of us are more stupider than others.

    • JAKE, I love your insight. Just try! Remember all the hoops you were willing to jump through (happily!) before she said I do. Realize that so often (not always) the lack of sex is a choice made through actions or inaction. GO JAKE!

      • That right there is what reminds me of my husband! While I admit that the fact that we are not having sex is largely due to my own lack of interest, I also know that he doesn’t TRY, and it frustrates me beyond belief that he then says to me, in an up-in-arms sort of way, “I want to have sex and you don’t want to!” Come on. That’s not ALWAYS true. But at the end of the day, when he throws his arm over me and proceeds to fall asleep, just how am isupposed to assume that he wants it? I’m as much a mind reader as he is, and it’s absolutely frustrating that he just expects me to know.

        Thank you for the article. This is my first ever visit to this site, but you are a brilliant writer that I intend on visiting often!

        • Cas,

          Thank you so much for coming by! You know, I got an email from a reader that said she and her husband read both these sex articles as a kind of mini book club. She said it was so helpful and spurred a lot of discussion. I wonder if that would be a good idea in this case? The sex thing can be so complicated. Why? I have absolutely no idea! We’ve all been there, though. (Most of us just won’t admit it, ha!) Thank you so much for your kind words and your comment! I hope to see you here again!

        • He is likely tired of being rejected and no longer initiates for fear of rejection and is tired of the hours or days of feeling like crap after the rejection. He wants you to make the move when you feel like. Problem is, you don’t feel like so you won’t make the move, so he feels unwanted. Because he feels unwanted and fears rejection, he won’t make the move. He also will eventually stop making the effort to impress you in other ways over time. It’s a vicious cycle and you are perpetuating it.

        • I agree with Mike. I do all that I can to try to induce the same physical attraction that my wife once had to me. We’ve been married almost seven years and I haven’t let myself go. I think I’m in better shape now than on our wedding day. I talk to her, I take her on dates, I flirt with her, I try to initiate it and she says “I’m tired”. She started off our last date by saying, “I hope you don’t think you’re getting lucky tonight, because I’m not in the mood.”

          Finally, I decided that I’m not 16 anymore and I’m not going to beg for it. I’m waiting for the day when she will initiate it like she used to.

          She gives me the BS excuse “I’m in the mood in the middle of the day, but you’re at work, and I’m at home with the kids.” I’m not going to try to fix her issues anymore. I’m sick of getting rejected.

          Women also have a responsibility to make the man feel wanted and loved. It’s a two way street.

          • I wish my husband took me on dates and tried to romance me into it.

          • Well is there a reason u can’t come home for lunch & surprise her?? I am 1 of these selfish wives that u & mike seem to be addressing. I’m also hormonal & this does have a direct impact on ur libido. What used to work 10yrs ago doesn’t anymore! Besides I’m not that same person anymore. What life has thrown my way has shaped & moulded who I am today. As a mother of 4 sometimes my body has been touched , literally just physical touch nothing sexual so much that its like overload I need my personal space! My man has used the samebullshit excuse that iv rejected him that much he’s scared to try but that’s bollox!! Him trying is so predictable yes im bored, yes iv spoken about it but nothing changes, iv tried explaining it like this, I like a roast dinner with all the trimmings but if u serve it to me for breakfast lunch & dinner I’m going get tired of eating the same meal pretty darn quickly. & FYI I’m not having sex with the yoga teacher or the bloke down the road or in the office! I am still attracted to him & love him dearly but this has been a big problem for past 5yrs. Iv given birth had major operation suffered miscarriage & my mother had a blood clot on the brain & was in hospital for 6months all in the space of 1yr so yes stress levels have been high & sex was on the bottom of my list of priorities. But getting back to my original statement I do think of sex when he’s not here so sometimes when he can he comes home in his lunchbreak sometimes we make out like teenagers while we’r cooking kids dinner, 2min of passion is sometimes all it takes to get me in the mood & a gentle stroke of the hand while we’r watching tv keeps the physical contact until kids are in bed. These times are when I’m eostrogen high (hormones) during the last 2weeks of my cycle when these hormones are low I don’t think about sex at all, doesn’t enter my thought process. That doesn’t mean I’m against the idea of getting jiggy between the sheets but he’s gonna have to work damn hard to change my thought process. It’s achievable but I can’t seem to be able to get this point across to my man. It would seem that if I don’t melt at the slightest touch then he gets the hump & gives up & because its not in my thought process I don’t acknowledge how long it’s been until we end up arguing about it, which usually includes this statement from him it’s been x-long since we last had sex& ur due on soon so can we please get it on soon or il have to wait another week!! I’m really not going to feel sexy or want to swing from the chandeliers if I feel pressured & on a deadline my impending period!! Btw I’m actuall eostrogen high ATM so sex is good at the moment but that won’t last

          • My wife started doing the same thing while pregnant with our third child. Now it’s I’m tired, not in the mood, I have a headache, I have cramps, I dont feel good, my hip hurts, I’m having my period, or I just dont want to right now. At the beginning she said how she loved sex and hated going without, and now it feedls like the opposite. She said that I gave her an orgasm almost every time and made up for it if I didn’t. I take care of the kids in he morning go to work and on the weekend I do yard and hous work and fix things. While at work she takes care of the kids but doen’t do anything else. So I have quit chasing it. I hate asking for it or hinting at it and then feeling resetful after rejection.

    • Yeah, except not all married men having this problem are lazy do-nothings who lost their romance. There are a lot of us out there that still do all the right things (everything on this list and then some) and still get nothing in return. This article and your reply are an extreme oversimplification of a complex problem, and place all of the blame firmly on the man. Blaming the man for relationship problems seems to have become the go-to talking point these days, when the reality is that relationships are complex and messy and that often the women are to blame as much as the men.

      • There is bias in the article, but being written by a woman, it certainly does tell you ‘what women want’. I don’t think this age-old conundrum has its solution in a single article quoting the 5 top reasons why women won’t wanna have sex with their men! Even a study won’t be enough as the statistical sample set won’t get near what actual reality is: that there’s 7 billion+ people in the world, discounting children, 2 billion a piece men and women – so there’s 2 billion different situations that couples find themselves in and possible circumstances in relationships.
        I think men and women need to give each other enough space so as to feel apart but keep in each other’s orbit. Try to enjoy the life we live and derive the most pleasure from it. Handle stress together. Good luck everyone!

  8. Oh Meg, how I love thee! :)

  9. I absolutely adore your blog! You are truly one of the most unbelievable writers, and I can never wait to read what you write! Somehow you’re able to articulate the things we all feel and think but can never seem to say. I tell all my friends about your amazing blog and we all love you! I really hope you write a book one day… I already can’t wait to read it!

    • Oh my goodness thank you so much! I love you and all your friends and wish we could have a cupcake party! And my goodness, a book? A girl (that’s me) can dream. Until then, thank you for reading and commenting and being a part of this goofy journey!

  10. Thank you. I’m so glad that someone put BOTH sides out there. So many of us WANT to have sex with our husbands on a very regular basis and have a hard time explaining why it’s difficult. Men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex. It couldn’t be more complicated. Thank you for simplifying.

    • You summed it up perfectly! Just a few sentences to say what I blathered on for paragraphs to get across! So perfect. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment, Hope!

      • Except this is not both sides of the story. This places all the blame firmly on men when that is a gross oversimplification. It is just as often the other way around. I had a serious girlfriend who I lived with for years that had the EXACT same 5 issues you listed above. It was the reason I left her. Pretending that men are all lazy dogs and its all their fault may be in vogue, but it is spreading disinformation and ignoring that a marriage or relationship has TWO people responsible for keeping it healthy and exciting.

  11. Excellent piece–funny, riveting and oh so accurate! So now can you make it a handout with let’s say…TV’s, take-out pizzas or any electronics?!

    • Cindy! What a great idea. Could you imagine?

      “Here is your combo pizza, sir. Also? A handout about how to better pleasure your wife.”

      ;)

  12. I am at the two year mark of my second marriage, first one lasted 31 years , i wont go in to detail of why it did not work, but it ended when I got cancer in 2007 , I came in to new ,with 31 years exp, she had 23 so we are good at this marriage , we dont seem to have to say well you do this and I will do this in return , my wife is my PARTNER , EQUAL , TWO OF US ,NO BOSSES etc, I treat her like a queen and in doing that she treats me like a king .I have not been able to work much in my last 2 years because of health , the wife goes to work , I get up in the morning make her breakfast fix her a lunch I clean the house , make the bed, wash clothes ,make dinner , we go out once a week dinner or movie or something , what I’m getting at is we never new what love was until now , we tell everybody that we won the love lottery , I can’t do enough for her and she is the same to me , my only prayer is that I could give her 31 years , our sex life is incredable , we both want to take care of the other , she is a lot younger ( 6years ) but her health is far far better then mine and I have made some good changes in her ability to orgasam its simple !!! I wait , at my age I have that ability, we talk , we know what we like , we are very open ,and its kind of funny but some times I just tell her to use me in any way you want head to toe with me on my back and you tell me if you can ORG and at that point it does not matter who is on top . we have also found out that when we just cuddle it is like going all the way , enough said , we love each other ,we are in love with each other and that grows every day P.S SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND

    • So glad you have found happiness.

    • RJH I am very happy that the two of you have found happiness. By conventional wisdom you would be expected to wilait on her like a hand servant in hopes of getting sex. Likewise, many people would say you are being a man-child by being treated like a king by your woman. au contraire in my opinion, you are are in an equitable relationship where both sides give and receive and enjoy both the giving and receiving. This is healthy and happy and a lot better than the woman demanding increasing levels of independence and pampering while the guy goes from pillar to post to try to get laid.

  13. Meg!
    I love love love this post. It’s just as amazingtasticgoodness as your one for the women! I nodded, burst “amen, sister!” quite a few times, and teared up a little bit. As usual, you hit the mark–right in the center of the target.

    And how are you, by the way? I’ve gotten to see Riley recently, but have thought and thought about you. With all that thinking, one would think that I’d have called. I’m so sorry I haven’t yet. I could go on about being so busy, blah blah, not having my old phone with your number, blah blah, but really it’s all just junk and I’m not a very good cousin or friend. :( I do love you like crazy, though, and we’re all pulling for your super-tough dad and your awesome family.

    I love you, lady! Congrats on this awesome post!

    • Hello lady! So glad you liked it! And I love your new word. I want to name it and make it my own. You are a wonderful cousin and friend. Life gets busy and I of all people totally get that. I hope you are doing so well and thank you so much for sharing the link! LOVE YOU!

  14. your sex posts should be required reading….for the whole world! if i were a hacker, i’d put these up on lds.org.

    • YOU WIN THE BEST COMMENT AWARD! Thank you, Annie!

      Oh my goodness and could you imagine? (Although I agree, there needs to be more openness about sex in our religion.)

  15. Oh, how I look forward to reading these beautifully written thoughts that I believed were uniquely my own. You out-do yourself every time. You are so talented and so creative. I think I’ll save myself from butchering this with a paraphrase, and just forward it to my husband. It’s what I’m always trying to say, only it’s said perfectly here.

    • Katie,

      Oh I am so happy you have found something to relate to here. You have just absolutely, completely made my day. And your compliments are far too kind. FAR! I am glad you sent this on to your husband. (I sent it to mine, too. Wink.)

  16. This is the absolute truth. Fortunately for me, my husband quit gaming before we got married, but there are always other distractions for both of us out there. Oftentimes the kids are those distractions.

    I have discovered though that the simple thing of my husband doing the dishes or folding the laundry or taking care of whatever mound of mess was left that day is SOOO sexy. It just shows me that he was paying attention to what might be frustrating me, and did what he could to take care of it—which in turn gives me more time and desire to focus my time and attention on him.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!

    • Jamie,

      I love what you say about your husband paying attention to the things that frustrate you and taking care of them. What a lovely (and sexy!) thing it is when the man we love lightens our load simply because he can. Thank you, thank you for reading and commenting!

    • Jamie, I wish my wife noticed such things. Your husband is a lucky man. Being appreciated is the real issue that Meginprogress simply does not understand about men.

      Sex is the single most perfect act of validation in the world. It proves that you’re doing things right, that you’re working hard, doing a good job, protecting and supporting your family.

      Playing games with sex like Meginprogress describes, not only misses the core of the issue, but it gives women the wrong advice altogether, that it’s okay after all is said and done to play games rather than to be a real woman. That is the inequality.

      My going to work every day, paying the bills, bringing home groceries, cleaning the house, the yard, keeping the cars running, making the sure the kids have everything they need, driving her to an emergency dentist on a sunday night when she waited to get the root canal and simply couldn’t stand it any more–THOSE are the ways I give sex to my wife, from another point of view.

      Her playing games after everything tells me that doing my best in this life to make her happy–all things being equal–is not good enough. That in addition to real life, I have to get inside her head, read her mind, and figure out what turns her on IN ADDITION to meeting all of her needs. That’s neurotic, do you realize how neurotic that is?

  17. In Mindy Kaling’s book, she talks about how she wants to date a man, not a boy. Sometimes I feel something but I have a hard time concretely forming those feelings into words. But when I read those words, it was SO clear to me why I’ve always been in love with James and why everyone else I’ve been with pales in comparison. He’s a man.

    I have friends who tell me about how their husbands aren’t stepping up to the plate. They’re moping about not getting their way, complaining about their responsibilities, and YES, calling their time with their kids “babysitting.” The lack of sex is just one indicator that things are amiss. Because it’s this general resentment that leads to not wanting to have sex, which then leads to not wanting to communicate, which can really lead to a general unhappiness — and wondering why you’re together to begin with.

    I’m so glad that you wrote this post. Please, please send it to a men’s magazine so that guys actually read it. Or maybe man-boys don’t read men’s magazines. Maybe you should send it to G4 or something.

    xo

  18. This is great, Meg! You were actually able to eloquently put into words the feelings that I want to express but that typically just come out as pissy hysterics. So can you create a faux blog with a gadget or football theme and post this? Then maybe I can trick my hubs into reading. :)

  19. Oh, your sex posts are the best. I feel like my husband and I have it pretty good but there are always things we can work on, and this was a good reminder.

    My parents are amazing, but I think they came from the generation where sex is more of an obligation that only occurs on special occasions (perhaps its because that’s what they thought was normal). So the only talk I got before I got married (besides the initial “talk” when I was younger) was that sex is sacred. Not that sex is freaking awesome. I hope that I can be a little better at this with my kids. It took a few years before I allowed myself to really enjoy sex and those years were super hard. It’s not the most important thing in a marriage but it sure makes marriage a hell of a lot easier!

  20. These are ideas for boys. Is there also rules for women?
    For example if in your marriage the man goes to work every day and the lady stays home and does not need or want a job that there is an equal divission of effort and labor taking care of household chores.
    Seriously many men are still the sole supporting bread winners. Now we are to do that, make dinner when we come home, do the laundry, feed the kids, bathe them and put them to bed so the wife has time for herself.
    Please just give us a fair deal here. There is a certain amount of money that each couple needs to feel secure. There are an equal amount of household duties to be done. If you are letting one person do all of the work required for half of the equasion step up and do the other half and feel proud you have done your part.
    Seems as if withholding sex is just a way to get back at a spouce for being PO’d about whatever it is today.

    • Actually, these are suggestions for “men” not boys, men who aspire to be better men and better husbands. Your commentary has reduced marriage to an economic exchange. “What will you give me for what I provide you?” Reduced to the “quid pro quo” arrangement you describe there is little room for or necessity of love.

      I have three daughters. They are all married now. The three young men that married them were all courteous enough to come and ask me for my daughters. In our discussion I explained to them what was expected of them. In my house my daughters were loved without condition. I explained to the young men that I expected the same would be true in their new home. I told each of the men that they were not marrying my daughter to be a house keeper or for sex, they should only be marrying them if they loved them, unconditionally as they had been loved as infants, children and now as my grown daughters in my home.

      Admittedly, love is more difficult than an economic exchange. However, unconditional love is also irresistible. I explained to these young men that true love means a marriage is not a 50/50 equation, it is a 100/0 equation. I explained to them that didn’t mean to work really hard on the relationship to get what you want, it means accepting the burden because you love the other person. Unconditional love implies an “unfairness”.

      Unconditional love will find reciprocation. Bitterness and resentment are choices. Choose to love her instead. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” That doesn’t necessarily mean die. It could mean serve, perhaps even for a lifetime.

      I will be married 30 years this year. I have tried your arrangement and was unhappy, resentful and alone. I have found that loving my wife without expectation has provided me with happiness and a close companion. The scale will never balance. There have been times I have carried her load, and many times she has carried mine. Without her I would be dramatically less. With her I can do so much more, if only for her. I hope you find love, it is so much more durable than sex.

      • The real answer lies in evolutionary biology and physiology. The bottom line is women arn’t attracted to men that they can subjugate. Picture this, one man a little overweight, never fights with you, never makes a decision like “what’s for dinner.” Good provider, good dad. He does laundry loads the dishwasher cleans house on occasion. Though never quite to your standards. This man asks for sex and when he is denied he pouts and thinks he just can’t do enough to please you.

        Now this other man, in shape, dresses well, a leader at work and in the home. Good father and provider. He calls you on the way home and says pack a bag I have a sitter for the kids we leave in 30min for a night in the city. This man doesn’t ask for sex he just initiates. If denied he has better things todo anyway. .

        Which husband made your gina tingle ? No man ever got laid because he finally loaded the dishwasher correctly!

      • I like and agree with most of what you said Bill, except for one part. I don’t like how you chose to use Bible references yet somehow forgot that biblically it was a woman’s duty to her husband to be a lover. I follow The Bible myself and it is definitely in there. You can’t follow one and not the other or pick and choose what scripture to follow I should say. I commend you on all the rest of your post except for that component. Also if it is to be “unconditional” than it needs to be that way from BOTH partners, man and woman, meaning she should do things as well without expecting anything in return, or 100-0 on both sides not just the husbands. That’s how I feel anyways.

    • SJL, I can see your point of view here. Thinking that the article means to do all the work and money-making, plus all the housework would seem very unbalanced and unfair. Luckily though, I’m sure you would agree that you’d be hard-pressed to find any mother ANYWHERE, that would actually sit there ‘having time for herself’ all day and all evening while you did all the work. I think you’ll agree that most moms (working and stay-at-home) spend every bit of energy they have on keeping up with their endless responsibilities. But just to ease your mind, there is a companion article to this one for the woman, in fact. It’s all about why you should have sex with your husband everyday. The common denominator between both articles is that marriage and intimacy thrive when we focus on giving to and serving the other person. We’d all be a lot happier if we gave 100% of our efforts in loving and serving our spouses and worried less about keeping score.

      • Lana, I assume you are taking the piss when you say that “you’d be hard-pressed to find any mother ANYWHERE, that would actually sit there ‘having time for herself’ all day and all evening while you did all the work. I think you’ll agree that most moms (working and stay-at-home) spend every bit of energy they have on keeping up with their endless responsibilities.” Please tell me that you were joking, if not I would suggest that you immediately stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

        • Asum,

          Your comments are welcome here, but your combative attitude towards Lana is not.

          Refrain from using language such as “taking the piss” when interacting with ladies.

          Perhaps that should be reason #6.

          • “Taking the piss” is a phrase I heard while vacationing in New Zealand, and as far as I understand it, it is similar to “pulling your leg”.

  21. A few things…

    I love the way you write. It’s actually inspiring. Maybe I’ll start a blog once I’m a mom and need an outlet. Also, I like what you said. I’ve only been married for 9 months… we’re pretty much doing great as most would probably guess. But I found this entry to be eye-opening to improvements that even WE can make now. Also, you made me appreciate moms… holy cow you moms have so much going on and so much to think about. I can just imagine finally putting the kids to bed and going into the kitchen to see dinner still a mess on the table and tons of dishes stacked in the sink – sex? It’s almost laughable. But to finally put the kids to bed and walk into the kitchen to see the table cleared and the husband loading up the dish washer – oh man. My heart! I can see why that would really make a difference.

    Anyways, I like your blog.

    • Nans, Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! It was so insightful and I love that you are thinking about your marriage down the road while still appreciating the happiness of right now. So great! (And congratutions on your new marriage!)

      Much love,

      meg

  22. I am so happy to have found your blog! Good stuff—really good stuff.

    Write on!

    • Nakeia,

      So delightful to see you here! THANK YOU SO MUCH for your encouraging comment. You have no idea how a few nice words can just REALLY make my day. I hope you are having a lovely day yourself.

      LOVE!

      Meg

  23. thank you. thank you. thank you. I don’t know if he’ll ever get it, but I feel like less of an idiot knowing I’m not the only one who feels this way.

    • Britt,

      I know. I hear you.

      Here is what I hope and believe…with honesty, patience and all that love (you know the stuff that was there when we all first got married and then gets a little forgotten or stale?) the two of you can learn this together. I believe this because it is something we have had to knock out in our own marriage. (And will have to knock out again and again, some lessons need to be learned more than once. ha.) You aren’t an idiot, your feelings are valid. You are lovely.

      Much love to you and yours,

      Meg

      Ps. I am a HUGE advocate of marriage counseling. Sometimes we need to be able to have important conversations in mediated environments. Somewhere where resentment, hurt, confusion (all those NORMAL emotions) can be guided a bit. It can be some work to find a good marriage counselor that fits, but once you do it is gold. I mean, my car needs an oil change every 3,000 miles by an experienced mechanic. Why shouldn’t my marriage get the same (or better!) treatment?

  24. Meg, I just read this out loud to my mom and we were laughing so hard. I laughed so hard that I cried and I am snotting. You are so great.

  25. Great job! I love you meg and feel honored to know you in person you are so gifted in writing and I pray all your dreams come true!
    xo

  26. Oh Meg, this just made my heart stop:

    There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.

    Thank you for summing up so much of what went wrong my first go-around. How grateful I am now for a husband who GETS IT. and get GETS IT… I also mean gets IT.

    Okay now I’m embarrassing myself. Huzzahs for you!

    • Stephanie,

      I AM SO GLAD YOU COMMENTED! Also, your comment made me laugh out loud. So. Win-Win.

      I am so glad that you connected to that sentence. When I wrote it I was little worried it was too ummmm blunt. But if Stephanie says it is alright THEN IT IS ALRIGHT.

      Let’s get together soon.

      Meg

  27. My professor compared men to a microwave and women to a crockpot. It was a good lesson to learn early in our marriage.
    And it took me a minute to realize the BCS wasn’t a sex term or Kama Sutra position…oh, right? Football!

    • You are cracking me up! BCS! ha!

      And yes, microwave and crockpot I like that! Also such an approachable way to teach it. I am putting that one in my back pocket.

      Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. It means so much!

  28. useless reading. women marry men to have children and do whatever they have to get the man to marry! the man like myslelf is stupid enough to believe the lies. A number of men like myself just suffer after the women get what they really wanted, then they start to get over having sex, or not in the mood…most seem to lie to get kids and have a family, then they decide their wants are most important, no sex is their control. If you are a man that likes sex, it’s simple…don’t marry…unless your not religious—you can fuck another chick. If you don’t want sex have the children she wants and you won’t get sex anymore…option number three: listen to all this bullshit, you work, the woman bitches about how it’s not her job as a home maker to clean, do laundry etc. on drugs versions of womens lib makes her more important than the provider of money, and they can stay home watching a racist like opra telling them how they are better than men because of their sex. it’s simple, women fuck until they get what they want, then it’s back to controlling. just like the creater of this blog…she fucked/sucked until she got what she wanted, then she became a nun in her mind, now she’s a rude idiot because some carpet muncher decided her views are correct. Men want sex from their wives because it makes the man feel like his life has a purpose to make her happy, the children make the man feel like the wife is happy because her desires are met, if the wife is a home maker the man feels like the wife is supposed to make the home clean and raise the children in a good way, this bullshit of the man having to oral the woman or the woman oral man is bullshit. man and woman are supposed to respect each other and their positions in the marrage. the provider role can change and that is the reversal of positions, now in my opinion if the woman makes the money and the man stays home to raise the kids roles reverse…but if the parters dont have sex, they are at fault for the failure. I am married, but at some point i won’t refuse another girls advances because as a man we have a need, we have to come in a dream or in reality, in my so called ‘dreaming’ version is unacceptable, i guess for other men it is the same. i am done with my rant, stupid women just ignore this because, well…if you don’t know what womens rights movements refused in the 80′s you’ll remain clueless anyway. ( hint look up draft and women)

    Reply

    • Ladies, just a general rule…If a man doesn’t know how to use a comma or a period then he also probably doesn’t know his way around anything else. Ahem.

      And sir (I will use that term for you despite the misogynistic, hate filled language you directed at me), all I can say is that I truly hope you don’t have daughters. It would be one of the true shames of this life if a man like you is raising a precious little girl.

      I hope you find a way to be less angry.

  29. Yeah well basically at this point I am ready to go get a special massage. I am not sure I could live with myself getting more than that, but I am so frustrated, I am starting to justify this.

    • Sounds like a marriage that would benefit from couples therapy with a good marriage counselor(as all do at one point or another.)A marriage counselor is someone that can help you be honest with your wife (and her with you) in a safe place. Tell her you love her and want to make your marriage as good as it can be and that you want to find a way for the both of you to work to make it better. Tell her you love her. When you approach her about the counseling don’t use accusatory language. Good luck.Ps. Did I mention you should tell her you love her? wink.

      • Hi Meg. I’m not sure couples therapy is the definitive answer here. Many couples fail after therapy, with the studies showing that it is either ineffective or even detrimental a lot of times. It may be that as a couple they man and woman have overstayed their welcome with each other. John has tried and tried and I am assuming his other half has as well. Personally, as implied by my other posts, I think men and women are more similar than different. Both expect equal levels of emotion and physical intimacy and both find it hard to deal with other people. If women and men thinking differently were the root of the problem then gay couples would on the whole be happier and more stable than heterosexual ones. But that is definitely not the case…

  30. I have a few bones to pick with you about your article as I believe it to be well intentioned but full of stereotypical assumptions. First, the idea that a person coming home and throwing off the socks and turning on the tv is somehow a male trait and not a trait shared by both sexes is simply wrong. The behavior you describe by that passage can be characterized as someone unwinding at the end of a long day. Both men and women do this, and should. This is not a bad thing and it is difficult to always be on all the time. Secretly, I believe your comment regarding the socks and tv is merely an artificial construct upon which the rest of your article can float.

    With that said, I do agree with suggestion numbers one, two and four (3 & 5 I can’t make heads or tales of, but I will make an attempt (see below)) Being a better listener, spending a night out on the town together and making time for one’s self are all important activities for both spouses. (Although you did not mention the importance of these activities for men in your piece, I presume that you would not disagree that they are indeed important for both men and women.)

    With regards to “if you want to be treated like a man, act like a man” what does that even mean? Your assumption appears to be that it is the man who is acting like a juvenile somehow and it is the woman who is actually the adult in the relationship. In every relationship that I have been in as an adult, both of us have acted as adults (read responsible) and like children at times. Dare I say this exists in every relationship. For example, I have been married for almost 10 years and we have two small children. One of the lessons we teach our children is to put things where they belong (jackets go in the closet, shoes in closet, backpack in room, etc.) However, the minute my wife gets home, her boots are off in the living room, the jacket and/or trousers are on the back of the dining room table. I then have to either move the items myself, tell her about them to have her move them (an argument in the making) or leave the items there as a bad example to the kids. Neither of these are palatable alternatives. The odd thing is that my wife is always shouting at the kids about not putting there belongings in the proper place.

    Your article seems to have that underlying assumption that women are responsible and men are irresponsible. For example you mention the man rolling up his sleeves and joining his wife in doing work, the assumption being that it is a given that the woman is doing the work (and by implication the man is not). This is and has not been the case in any relationship that I have ever been in, including my marriage and a brief unscientific poll of my married friends do not support your lopsided characterization of the domestic dynamics of relationships.

    Your point number 5 concerning a woman’s orgasm is simply odd as it seems to place the entire responsibility of her reaching orgasm on the man which is simply ridiculous. A woman should dare I say be woman enough to have explored herself to know what (to be crass) gets her off and to be able to communicate that to her partner. There is nothing wrong with being communicative during sex. Suggesting that a man needs to read a book almost seems to remove the woman from the equation altogether. It seems to me that if a woman is not getting what she wants/needs sexually, then it is incumbent upon her to express what she does want specifically and clearly. Men are adults and have no compunction about saying specifically what they want in bed, both in the bed and outside of the bedroom. Women should also be adults about this. Don’t get me wrong, there is certainly nothing wrong with reading books on anatomy and sexuality etc, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that sex and orgasms are a most natural act and a woman (as does a man) should know him/herself well enough to communicate desires to the other without the other having to go read up on it.

    Apologies for the long post.

    • Asum,

      First of all, this post was a brief survey of five reasons a man isn’t getting sex. Just five. Trust me, there are many more and they all occur in varied combinations. I suppose I could have dedicated the rest of my life to documenting them, but I have slightly better things to do. Your comment (rambling and condescending as it is) seems to take the stance that these five reasons never exist in any marriage, anywhere. Could you point me to the “brief unscientific poll” that supports this assumption?

      As to reason #5, did you in fact read that thoroughly?

      “Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to’s are not a secret. Don’t be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden.”

      “Ask her questions”, “Learn together” “Have a lot of sex” How is that not involving the woman?

      As for a man educating himself through reading a few books. My goodness, man. Have you never experienced the triumph of introducing your partner to a sensation or experience she did not know existed? Have you never decided to meet her on equal ground rather than simply following to the places she has already discovered?

      Pity.

      • And also, Asum, do not use the word “incumbant” at any time when referring a woman’s sexuality. Totally ruins the moment.

      • To argue with the writer (and readers) this blog is like trying to win a fight with a grizzly bear, you will never win. You will be berated by the hordes of girl power feminists that lurk on this site. It’s obvious that this is a feminist site and that the majority of the readers are females. This means that no matter what, they will always think they are right, even in the face of irrefutable truth. You will be met with “amen sister” and “tell em girlfriend” even if your points are 100% correct. I have never understood why a relationship has to be all give and no take. It is a 50/50. This post tells that men must do 100% of the work. Why is it only the man’s job to make the other person happy? Am I not entitled to the same efforts? This post is absolutely ludicrous and just goes to show how strong the gender double standards still stand. A relationship should be about two people, not just one.

        • Amen brother!

          I was amused by Megan’s sarcastic reply that the man should learn some new tricks to please his woman. Meanwhile, the current is about not having sex. Which proves the point most men are trying to make on this site–that there’s clearly a double standard that this author not only acknowledges but laughs about. The laugh is on men, apparently.

    • Thank you for this. The article has some pretty cheap generalizations of men that form a shaky foundation for the argument.

      There is a fundamental problem with how we perceive the teamwork required to raise a family and maintain a healthy marriage.

      I don’t know when it became okay for women to dismiss all men as lazy, incompetent, juvenile, selfish and reckless, but the sentiment is rampant.

      Frankly, it sickens me a bit. How about respecting one an other?

      • Hi Agreed. My only explanation for this is that women feel hard done by and are taking their frustration out on men – their husband in particular.

        Imagine if every black or Native American person had to live forever and raise kids with a white American. Many couples would do well,but most will gave issues around “what your people did/do to mine”. Now imagine for a second if we men were treated as poorly through the ages and suffered the current inequalities that women suffer. No equal pay, no equal access to cool job like soldiery and constuction (until just recently), complete denial of the presidency,sportman getting paid more than sportswomen etc etc.

        I don’t know about you, but I think we are lucky to get any sex at all in light of all that.

        Being a minority myself though, I know it is hard to see past inequality as a down trodden member of the oppressed.

  31. Lichen Sclerosis, killed our sex life…however I found out after nearly a year of no sex, and none the past 4 months…That she wasn’t really using the prescribed remedy as directed…just enough to control the itching and some pain,but not enough to allow us to have sex.

    I had purchased some medicine online that claimed rapid results for this condition, it was expensive but I did not care, I hated that she was dealing with it and felt equally as bad for her and was upset that our sex life came to a halt. Well two more months go by…I am sleeping next to a gorgeous, sexy woman…I am hurting with desire..night after night, we kiss and go to sleep.

    So I started investigating this deal….she had two medicines to combat it and it hasn’t been alleviated.
    I picked up the medicines and read the instructions, I also went online and looked up the applications, etc. Well I then asked her if she was getting any relief, she said no and I asked how she was applying it, she was only sparingly using either medicine. From what I read it requires application three times a day for a week or two until all symptoms stop and then for several days afterwards to insure success…Well she admitted she was only using it for flare ups enough to stop the itching and pain, not enough to clear it to the point we could have sex again. It was very hard for me but I told her the other night my feelings about having a sexless relationship and I needed her to make a effort, she said she would, that she wanted me (sex) too.

    So a week later I find that she still isn’t following the directions and is making excuses about it. Now I am coming to conclusions I don’t like; She doesn’t really want to have sex with me anymore, simply based on her lack of effort to try and change things. She hasn’t consulted with her doctor for three years for help.

    I am in a spot…I have women all over that I could pursue, but I am steadfast that loyalty and trust cannot be broken, and I cannot engage with the woman I love.
    I start thinking that I am not good enough…the guy’s she was previously with were like Big grammy winning Rock stars or handsome airline pilots, the kinda people you’d see on a poster or something. I’m not that by any means….I am sure I am nothing at sex like those Pro football sized dudes, she says, I am “ok” in bed, she’s told me it’s… every time for her, I understand that’s wonderful, right? So what the heck. Now I wonder if she’s having an affair, or dreaming about one, I start tripping when she’s late home, having stupid jealous feelings when I see a guy giving her the attention and her eyes lights up! Or I see her checking out a hunk. I feel like a moron, we have so much in common yet this is driving me nut’s.. I am very, very sexual and I am living like a monk, I think it’s getting to me and I’m starting to be angry and I know I shouldn’t go there, it’s eating me up! Last night we got in a quarrel, one of our first ever and I lost it, I yelled at her, just raged on, then stormed out to cool off. I was a jerk and now I am hating myself, I detest anger like that…..and now, I’m sure sex isn’t on my radar for god knows when.

    Anyone have some insight…I’m starting to obsess with sex…what he heck….help!!!

    • It is more than normal that sex is necessary for you.

      I think this is an ideal situation for a couples counselor. Bring up the idea of counseling as something to improve your relationship, not as a means of getting her to have sex with you. The last thing a woman wants to feel is that all she is to her man is a means to sexual gratification. Take some of that pressure off of her for now. Tell her you feel like you need to learn how to communicate with her better and that you want her to be able to communicate with you in a way that makes her comfortable.

      In counseling, you will be able to express your needs in a safe environment and she will be able to do the same. She will also be able communicate the reasons she is not interested/unable to have sex with you. Perhaps the medical condition really is uncontainable, perhaps her drive is low, perhaps there are other problems in the relationship that keep her from feeling sexual with you. Stop comparing yourself to previous relationships and stop worrying about affairs. Neither thought process leads to anything worthwhile.

      When you get home today tell her you love her and tell her you want to work on the relationship to take it from good to fantastic. Remember that when something is done out of love, without recriminations, it is much more effective and long lasting.

      Good luck.

  32. You’re an amazing writer.

  33. I have several friends who need to read this to their husbands, especially number 5! I feel bad for them when they say they don’t like sex. And I feel bad for wanting to say, “Then, you’re doing it wrong.” Or, “You’re husband isn’t doing enough.”
    After 21 years of marriage, I can say, it only gets better.

    • Jewels!

      I love this comment. Man! I am going to remember this, “After 21 years of marriage, I can say, it only gets better.”

      PREACH, GIRL!

  34. Another good one here. So young, so wise.

    • You are too kind. Also…feel like ripping Jeff (the comment after yours) a new one? I am a little too tired for it today.

      Love you!

  35. Post is nearly complete bullshit. Women will not have sex with husbands that do what they’re told, ie – do everything their wife tells him. She shouldn’t be doing that anyways, but feminism has given women social sanction to boss husbands around.

    It’s not about any of the reasons here (extra tip for both men and women: never ever ever ever take relationship advice from women or feminized men. Men have the biological imperative to dominate women, not be “in service” to them. A man’s mission in life comes first. Feminism has obliterate the natural order between the sexes and we end up blog posts like this. Take the red poll and duck anyone else who gives you this horseshit.

    • One other thing–sweetheart, snowflake–NO woman is worth the hassle of jumping through hoops, except for modern American men who are now trained from birth to pedestalize women.

      This is why I married a girl from the Ukraine. No hassle, no nagging, no post-feminist horseshit. Love all the way.

      American women have priced themselves out of the market. You can’t compete with video games and endless porn.

      Just admit that you were lied to and you’re not at all as special as you’ve been led to believe.

      • Icameheretochewbubblegumandkickass

        Meg….. U r good…… Really good…..
        I am very impressed with your thoughts, humor, and effective communication on such important topics…. So many positive comments …….
        Except for some…… But Jeff and his friendshavelittleweewees…. Hahaha ahhhhhh keep on truckin MEG
        Ignore the lil angry doggies….. Aghhhhhhh!! :) )
        Lil wee wee boys go home

      • Hey, Jeff. So glad you found love–

        Ah, wait. No. I meant video games and endless porn. Sounds like a fulfilling life there, kiddo.

        You say the post is bullshit? I’m sorry. I think that foul stench is coming from you, seeing as you’re a complete asshole.

        And you don’t want an American woman? Good. I’d be sad to see such a woman waste her time on your sorry, pretentious ass.

  36. Meg I’m so disappointed in you. I’m want to start with some of the replies you left to the men responding on your article. Although I don’t agree fully with their comments, they do make some valid points. Your response, of lack of response to Asum was pathetic. You only wanted to belittle him for his comments instead of having an actual debate on the issue. You reply in another post about a lack of punctuation, instead of talking like an adult. I continue by saying this article is completely overrun by stereotypes as Asum suggested.

    The second part of my response is why this article is more fiction, than fact. I have been married to a wonderful woman for several years. We started our relationship with a bang. We couldn’t be separated. There was so much magic, and it was great. As our marriage has grown, it has become increasingly harder to keep that magic. I also realized that most women believe that it’s a mans responsibility to change to keep the fire going. It’s such a load of crap. Marriage is, and always has been a two way street. This article implies that men are doing everything wrong. Well here’s the truth. My wife and I both work full time. I do work more total hours a week, but I believe she works just as hard as I do. We have small children that we both love dearly and we share responsibilities parenting them. When it comes to house work, we share the responsibilities, both inside and outside our home. We have nearly a non sexual relationship. I have done a number of the things you wrote down and it has changed NOTHING. You wrote, ” Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, “Thank you.” Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?

    ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.”

    What a bunch of crap. If that’s all it took, EVERY man would do this. Your article implies that women are simple, and we man just need to do a little more to help. Well women are NOT simple. They are very complex, and often don’t know themselves what they want. That’s why men don’t get it.

    I have sat down with my wife several times and talked to her like married couples should when they have a problem. She assures me that I help out plenty when it comes to chores around the house, and being a parent. I do forget a lot of things, but when your given a task list of a dozen things to complete, along with the dozen things you already had on that list, some things will be forgotten. Sorry. After I explained that, my wife said she completely understood. We often go on dates. So what’s the issue? I wish I knew. I have brought up this issue numerous times, and I can’t get an answer. The only thing I can think of is that I’m expected to know what the issue is. Well seeing how I can’t read minds, I guess I’m up the shit creek.

    So after reading this article, and many others like it I know this:
    1. Women still think men can read their minds. WE CAN’T!! You need to communicate with your spouse.
    2. Women believe men are broken, and it’s their job to fix them. There is nothing wrong with your man.
    3. Women believe men don’t having feelings. Well we do. They can be hurt just like yours. Tired of getting yours hurt? So are we.
    4. Women have been brainwashed into believing they are all princesses. I’m sorry, you’re not. Quit making unrealistic expectations for you man, and work TOGETHER to fix your relationship.
    5. Women use sex as a weapon. If you just do the dishes, I’ll have sex with you. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!? Want your man to hate you, do this.

    So women, seriously. Take a deep breath, and go talk to you man. If it’s really all about the dishes, GO TELL HIM THAT! If you love him, for God sake, have sex with him, or you might lose him.

    • Dear Unappreciated,

      Oh dear. I really hate disappointing people I have never met in real life. I don’t think it is patronizing AT ALL when a man I don’t know tells me how much my little woman thoughts have disappointed him.

      Whatever shall I do?

      I thought about taking the time to respond to this seriously, but then I thought…Mr. Unappreciated didn’t really take the time to read through the entire conversation. He didn’t read the article where I tell women to have sex with their husbands (http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-you-should-have-sex-with-your-husband-every-day/). He also seems to have missed my response to the comments from men that feel like they are doing everything and still aren’t having sex. The ones where I suggest couples therapy and tell them their need for physical intimacy is legitimate.

      Also, Mr. U thinks that rather than mock punctuation I should have a serious debate with a man that uses language I haven’t heard since sitting behind all those unwashed, angry boys on my jr high school bus. (You know those immature boys that weren’t getting any but wanted everyone to think they were? So they said awful, vile things to make themselves feel like men?)

      And finally, when it came to Asum…I did respond to him. And my response was that I disagreed with him.

      I am not sure what you read in my article that led you to believe I don’t think men have feelings, or that men should read minds, that women are princesses (even though they, like totally, are) or that I approve the use of sex as a weapon. I am not a therapist but there is this thing called projection…you might want to look into it.

      So Unappreciated, I think you should take a deep breath. Go to counseling and talk to your wife in an environment where you can both be comfortable. And please, please find a way to live in a world in which you are disappointed with me. It will be difficult, but I think we both can find a way to manage.

      meg

      • I only had to read “take a deep breath”… Like wtf? I like how he is instantly berated because he is a man. Is this how you girls get your jollies? It seems pretty sad that you have to go around rustling everyone’s jimmies because it makes you feel powerful. Maybe instead of whining about how your man doesn’t do the 6 million different things that Ryan gosling does in the notebook, you should try actually showing your love to the man you’re with. Make HIM feel special for a change. When did women become so self-entitled?

        • Feminism. Plain and simple. The only reason women come up with pointless lists like this when they need to go look at themselves in the mirror.

      • Megan said: “Oh dear. I really hate disappointing people I have never met in real life. I don’t think it is patronizing AT ALL when a man I don’t know tells me how much my little woman thoughts have disappointed him.

        Whatever shall I do?”

        I quit. As I was reading through these comments, I thought there were a few here and there, but this gentleman wrote with clarity and conviction and your reply was adolescent. I am no longer reading and will not return to your blog ever again. I’m sure your reply would be “Oh dear, whatever shall I do?” so don’t bother.

    • I can only second everything Unappreciated said. I already do your 5 points, am a good listener, hard worker and used to be great in bed. We have wonderful children, compatible interests and decent mutual respect, but we haven’t sex in months, and there is seemingly nothing I can do to change. I have been completely faithful for over 20 years, but somehow I think I’ve been turned into some asexual drone and friend. It isn’t even about the sex, it’s about feeling really, really, fundamentally lonely at an intimate level.

  37. Meg,

    I need to thank you for opening my eyes.
    Over time I became about 40% of your description, and I started working on that today after stumbling on your site. I am a soldier, a thinker, and a worker. I am also a bit of a softy when it comes to my wife. I still look at her the way I did when we first met. Unfortunately for me, I am the guy who has 2 full time jobs. One of them is a restaurant. the other is a Wall Street business man, so you can see the pattern. My wife works at our store full time (she is also a diabetic). The success of our store has taken it’s toll on her, yet she still came home and: did wash, cooked, cleaned, and grocery shopped. I never really thought to thank her, or always pick up my socks, put the dishes in the dishwasher, made the bed, or always remembering to say thank you. I am very good at remembering, and tending to my wife’s needs during those few intimate moments.

    This morning I decided to turn things around. I let her sleep, closed the door, and did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, put the whites in the wash, made her coffee, and when she was in the shower, I started making the bed. Imagine the look on her face… She was in the doorway of the bedroom, with her mouth open as I put the throw pillows on the bed, and turned around to get my coffee. She came over to me, felt my forehead and said “who are you, and what have you done with my husband”. for the first time, she did not have to run around at 3:30 am. I did it… And it felt good. Let’s see how things go…

    Some of us do listen and realize the err in our ways, so keep writing on this topic (because anything that can help us guys is always welcome).

    Thank you.

    • Robert,

      My goodness, man. You just made my day. I am pleased as punch over here. Smiling ear to ear.

      She is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have her.

      God bless.

  38. Meg,

    I appreciate the advice, but I’m just not buying it. I do all of the above (consistently), yet still only have an encounter once in a blue moon. My wife usually gives me a hug and says she loves me…that’s it! When we do have sex, it’s always just me doing all the work. Hopefully the few guys who are reading this article (since it’s mostly just women) don’t stop here…

    Good day!

    • Blake,

      As I have said a few times, these are just a few of the reasons women don’t have sex with their husbands. There are so many more! I couldn’t possibly detail all of them…they are very personal and ever changing. And many of them have nothing to do with the husband…not even a little bit.

      However, I will say I get emails nearly every day from men and women alike thanking me for the insights contained here. This article may not have been the right one for you. But it is right for some. And that is really all I could hope.

      Good luck in your quest, Blake. I hope you and your sweet wife get on the same page.

      meg

  39. Dear Meg,

    I will not call you names as I think that is just ignorance on the part of the individual that is responding to you. I will say, that you post is nothing more than a fluff piece. You are simply regurgitating the same old useless information that everyone else puts up.

    Why don’t you go back and really dig in and see what are the real reasons why couples no longer have sex. Unlike the readers that you wrote this article for, I do love my wife very much. I do tell her thank you and I treat her very well, after all she is my wife.

    I am the guy that pointed her towards her life’s dreams and told to take a chance and follow your heart, “I will support you.” Its been five plus years and I am still doing all I can so she succeeds.

    I am the kind of guy that will make dinner if she is too busy and I do my own laundry. I do more around the house than she does, and that is OK, because she is trying to get her business off the ground and going. I have my own business as well and I bring in all the money for the household. I do all this because I love my wife very much, with all my heart.

    I take her out to eat many times, I bring her flowers on special occasions and even times “just because”. The problem I have is she likes to have sex one time a month. I would prefer three to four times a week. I have tried setting the mood, talking to her about it, everything I can think of, but to no avail.

    Talking to a shrink is not going to happen, they will only make matters worse. No, there is a bonafide reason while she won’t have more sex with me and I am beginning to think that she just doesn’t like having sex with me. I have tried anything she wants to do in bed, and I have brought her to orgasm many times. She is always satisfied after we have sex, as I make sure she climaxes. Yes they are real, not faked. She will never let me do what I want in bed, I can only have sex the way she dictates it, this is also frustrating to me. I have had sex with other women, and sex was never an issue. She likes everything else about me, just not sex.

    So, how do I resolve this problem Meg? I didn’t get married just to become a celibate monk. I don’t want to leave my wife, because she truly is a wonderful person that I enjoy being with. I am stuck with a problem that demands a solution but doesn’t seem to have one. I cannot continue living a sexless life, it is something that sustains me and I really enjoy it. I would never consider cheating on my wife, I made a vowel and I will keep my word. What to do.

    Now if you don’t mind, go back and find the real answers to my questions and don’t waste your time plagiarizing data that you find from someone else on the Internet. Spend some time and earn your stripes.

    Sincerely,
    Celibate Monk

    • Celibate Monk,

      So many angry men! My goodness.

      Dear sir, the five reasons are valid but they are certainly not the only reasons. (Hmmm, I feel like I have written that phrase in comments many, many times before.)I cannot tell you how many emails I have received from men and women alike that felt this article was helpful for them. I wrote it for them, not for you.

      I can appreciate that you are in a difficult situation. I feel for you. However, your problem sounds very personal. I am not sure what deep answer you think anyone can have for you that does not know you or your wife. There are no magic words. There is only hard work and counseling and hope and compromise.

      And at the end of all that you may simply be married to a woman that does not like sex.

      I would suggest having an honest conversation with her. One that is full of love and empty of accusation. Something very different from the way you approached your comment to me here.

      And my friend, I didn’t have to “plagiarize data” from the internet. I was able to write from my own experience. As a woman. I have spent the time and I have earned the stripes. Your condescending directive is unnecessary, but the anger and frustration in it is felt and noted.

      Good luck.

    • Marriedmansexlife.com go and learn.

  40. Ya I work 40 plus hours a week , come home and make a great dinner for us and he kids. . I give my wife of almost 16 yrs many compliments that get dismissed by her. The back story on that is she’s slightly overweight and I offer to train wither become more healthy. for the most par mycomps get dismissed so now now she is horrified.to even show me her naked body. If.we.didnt have 2 kids I d cheated on her already, 12x a year for sex, I don’t think I can handle it any less.

  41. I’ve read some of your stories and I’m still confused. Me and my husband have been married for 4 years and we hardly ever have sex. I feel like the only time we do is when i start it. I try to cook his favorite meals, let him pick a restaurant to go to, i even drive so he dont have to. I do 99% of the housework plus work a full time job. When i ask him why he doesnt want to he either has some excuse like im tired or my head hurts or whatever. Or sometimes he says oh i do want to…but nothin gets done. I feel bad because i start looking at other guys because i feel abandoned. I know its bad but what can i do??

    • Cheyenne,

      So hard, sister. Yes, this door can swing both ways. I have gotten so many comments like yours. Your feelings and needs are so completely valid. I am a firm advocate for marriage counseling in situations like this. You have taken on too much. You need help and you need physical affection. Marriage counseling is a place where you can both discuss your needs and aversions within a mediated environment. We all need a third party to help see us through our difficulties every now and then. There is no shame in it.

      Good luck.

      Meg

  42. I have really been enjoying your writing and when I came across this entry I felt compelled to respond. Looking through the replies , I see a lot of guys saying what my friends say, such as “I cook when she doesn’t have time” or ” I make sure to watch the kids and give her a night off each week” as though these responsibilities are inherently the wife’s and guys can gain super-husband status by pitching in on occasion. It drives me crazy but that is all-too-common in my gender: we never see our own shortcomings unless they are frivolous. A man can fix his golf swing or his quarter mile launch in one afternoon of practice, but ask us to be better husbands and most of us wait for the punch line, completely ignorant of the very real ways we let our loved ones down.

    Having established that all men suffer bouts of poor husbandry (in marriage, not livestock…though the same probably applies), I would greatly appreciate a fresh perspective of what on Earth I’m doing wrong! I completely take care of our dogs, most cooking, all dishes, laundry, making the bed, I surprise her with flowers every so often or (if work has really been rough) chocolates and a massage, I do all automotive maintenance, I try to work out at least every other day, on the rare occasion we do have sex I have always had a rule that I do not finish first and really try to get her to three (for which she has always been grateful) because I never want to be one of “those guys.” She recently started telling me she could not do any of this without me after I told her I feel pretty under-appreciated but the best I can hope for most of the time is a hug. We don’t have kids yet and right now I can’t imagine adding that to my plate since I already do nearly everything else at home (and yes, I realize every mom in the world has it worse than me because they have tons do o PLUS kids to raise). But on top of being responsible for everything and spending a good chunk of time every day trying to figure out how to be a better husband, I am still a man and sex is still 90% of my brain activity. She comes home from nights out with friends and says she can’t believe how lucky she is because she never has a reason to bash me in girl talk and she seems to be aware of how hard I work to take care of her (honestly, I was sick this morning and actually felt bad that I didn’t prepare a decent breakfast for her). On average we have sex once every 6 weeks, and this has been typical through nearly 7 years of marriage. When I ask her why it is so hard to want to be with me since she feels so loved and, by her admission, loves doing it so much, her reply is always “I just don’t have as strong of a sex drive as you.”

    I’m sorry to make this reply all about me but I wanted to present you with as clear of a picture as possible. What on Earth am I missing?! I once suggested counseling and she was shocked that I thought we were having big enough problems to warrant such a suggestion. I then tried having a serious, “we need to communicate better” kind of talk, and her solution is that it isn’t fair to me that I want sex and she doesn’t, so maybe it would be best if I found someone else who could discreetly help on occasion. I was appalled, I thought she had stopped loving me, but she assured me that she loves me more every day and it is because she always feels bad about this topic that she finally came to this conclusion. Well I don’t want it. I want my wife back. I want that girl who used to get excited that I was going to stop by her dorm room. The one I went into a puppy store with, repeatedly saying “don’t fall for their sad eyes, we are NOT taking one home,” and who then just laughed when she heard me say “awwwww” like a little girl and never once gave me crap about being the one who walked out with a puppy. How do I get that girl back? What am I missing?

    • Johann,

      This was a really beautiful, insightful, heartaching comment. I think that women, perhaps your wife included, have a common misconception about why their husbands NEED sex. Most women believe men need sex simply because it is an animal instinct. As such they see it as base and unnecessary for the heights of their relationship. And yes, man’s compulsion to have sex does have a bit of the animal about it. But the point that many women miss is that coupled with that is also something grander and so, so necessary. Physical touch is the way that most men are able to feel sustained in love.

      My dad (yeah, my dad…we talked about sex before I got married, thank goodness) explained it to me best. He asked how I would feel if my husband came home and never spoke to me, never listened, never asked how my day had been. I was appalled, I would be angry, feel unloved, uncared for and unnecessary! He then told very young me, that sex is the end of day conversation that most men need to feel seen, validated, loved. I think if more women understood this, they wouldn’t be so worried about whether they were “in the mood”. We love to care for the men that care for us.

      I don’t have magic words, but I don’t think there is anything even close to hopeless about this situation. You and your wife sound like truly lovely people. Here is the thing, it can be very difficult to have sex as a women if it has fallen out of our routine. We get out of touch with the act, we get uncertain, we get (and to a man this is crazy) truly uninterested. Luckily, even with a low sex drive, sex is one of those things where the more you have it, the more you want it. (Have you read Just Do It by Douglas Brown? A silly, little read, but it makes some very valid points. He and his wife decided to have sex every night for 100 straight days. It chronicles the ups, downs and benefits for their overall relationship.)

      If I were you, I would take your comment and turn it into a letter, something that is both full of love and honesty. Your words about the dorm room, puppy and how much you love her had me all misty eyed. Tell her you want to make what you have better. Tell her what you need can only come from her because you only want and love HER. Tell her you will be patient, tell you you don’t want her to feel pressure. You just want to understand one another’s wants and needs. Explain to her that this isn’t just a physical need, it is an emotional one as well.

      And then hold her hand. Touch her over dinner. Kiss her just to kiss her…don’t try anything else. Show her physical affection outside of bedroom expectations. And then, Johann, give her a little time.

      If the issue continues, I think you should bring up counseling again. But do it in the context of making your marriage better, stronger rather than addressing a problem that needs fixing. There is no shame in making a good thing stronger.

      Good luck,

      Meg

      Ps. the article I wrote that looks at the issue from the other side: http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-you-should-have-sex-with-your-husband-every-day/

  43. I found this article interesting while looking for answers, as my wife and I are in this bad situation right now.

    We are approaching our 10 year anniversary, and over our 10 years in marriage, our sex life has gone from loving intimacy and sex nightly (the first year or so before we got married), to weekly (about a year into the marriage) to monthly (for about 6 years or so), and in the last 4 years to about 2-3 times a year.

    My wife and I have discussed this issue many times in the past month, as a friend has been recently diagnosed with late stage cancer, and simultaneously I have several friends whose marriages have fallen apart. These three events have made me realize that I am guilty of marking time in my marriage, just coping with my feelings and avoiding conflict as much as possible.

    I have found myself more and more anxious and fearful as time has gone on, to the point I find myself jealous of my wife getting on facebook or surfing the internet.

    After talking with it at length, we have come to a few conclusions.

    First, the sex started vanishing because we are raising two young children while working full time. This is stress added to our relationship. I am tired at the end of the day, and make excuses to avoid romance. She is tired at the end of the day, and makes excuses to avoid sex (and intimacy in general).

    Second, as we’ve grown older, we’ve gotten more comfortable with each other and have drifted away from “we” to “you and I” again.

    As this has happened, physical touching ceased, we spend more time doing our own separate things on separate sides of the room. We rarely talked after the kids go to be, she watches mindless television shows that I cannot stand, and I work or read.

    This physical and emotional separation has led to less sex, which lead to less contact, leading to less sex, leading to… you get the idea. Emotionally and physically, it’s a cycle that has left us with little to no sex (and it’s not enjoyable or intimate, just pity sex).

    Worse, I have noticed that when I do ask for sex, (it’s never her) she nearly always rejects me with a laugh. This is hurtful to me. I finally explained this the last time it happened… men do not view sex as merely a physical act. It is an emotional act too. Men emotionally want to express their love for their partners in a physical way, through the act of sex. Woman want to emotionally express their love in a communicative way.

    I am not sure how to move forward. We are aware of the situation (at least she is aware of how I feel about it), and it has led to some pretty spectacular arguments, both of us threatening to walk out, while the other talking us back down.

    She has stated that she wants to improve things, that she enjoys sex while we are having it but doesn’t ever want to engage in it. However, I have seen no real improvement or change in her behavior in the past 4 weeks. I initiate all intimacy (physical, emotional or just holding hands). I feel it’s only passively being received, and she disagrees, she states she needs time to absorb these changes.

    My inner feelings of late have been the same feeling as dating someone new again, rediscovering my marriage and wife, and I have felt that it’s being met with passive resistance… not rejection, but not acceptance. In other words, I do not feel the love being returned to me actively.

    So, given these statements, what do you think? I like reading your entries, they are intriguing.

  44. Dear Meg.
    First things first. I have never talked to.anybody about any of what’s been going on mostly because I have only been married for two months. And yes I may have been a little young to do so. The problem is yes the sex. I have dreamed about having sex for years now but i have been good and i kept it in my pants till i got married. I was a virgin till I got married. The same goes for my wife. She was also a virgin till we got married. the problem is she says she doesn’t look forward to it because it hurts her. She sometimes trys to be strong and let me have my way . But she won’t even look at me while we are doing it. she hides her face and won’t look at me. also I am the only one moving around to try to make it better she just lies there with her face hid and expects me to have the time of my life! Now I am sorry but to know that i am causing her pain and when she won’t even look at me much less move around make a noise or Anything to let me know she’s even alive. I feel. really really bad I can’t even think of the right words i feel so bad. so i end up just getting off and wishing i hadn’t even started. I have Always since day one gone down on her first and never let up till she has felt good. but i barely get started and she pushes me away. we have tried lube and she says she still hurts. Now I am in what feels like a Huge jam. I mean we have been married less then two months and we haven’t even had sex in the last two weeks! I mean is that normal?? I want sex So bad believe me. But I don’t want to and I can’t hurt her. So what do i do? After reading what you wrote. I won’t lie i am no perfect man and i dont pretend to be. I am however very busy. I work 8 hour days and after work i go work on our house so we can hopefully move in soon. So get home around 7 or 8 she used to meet me at the door with a hug and a kiss and help me carry in my lunch box and water jug. But now i don’t even see her till i go in and look through the house. I haven’t made dinner in a long time ( but i can work on that) I do clean up and do the dishes about 3 or 4 times a week But when we get into bed I can’t hardly touch her because I get all turned on and horny and she wants nothing to do with me. Like tonight. im still up worried about what im supposed to do. and she is sleeping peacefully on the other side of the bed without a care in the world. I really want some advice. please help! Rhys

    • Oh man. Rhys, this is so normal and so something that can be taken care of. Stop worrying. Everything is going to be alright.

      First things first, take the pressure off of each other. For just a little while go back to what you were like when you were dating. Kissing, holding hands, touching without the expectation of sex. Here is the thing, if sex hurts her and she thinks that every time you touch/kiss her means that sex is coming then she will naturally begin to pull away from all intimacy. That is the last thing you guys need right now.

      Second of all, sex shouldn’t hurt after having it for two months. There is something wrong. It could be a few things. She may not be aroused enough, so she isn’t relaxed and her body isn’t preparing itself to have sex. That can be really painful. There could also be a very simple medical issue. They are too numerous to list here. But she simply needs to go to her OB, explain what is going on and they can investigate the matter together. There is so no embarrassment or problem with this! My friend is an OB and says that a SIGNIFICANT amount of appointments occur because of this very issue. It is so normal.

      Sex doesn’t come naturally to most women. And the fact is that what many men think will get us going in bed is ummmmm just a nice try. We are built so differently from you guys. It isn’t hard to to do, it is just (apparently) counterintuitive for most men. You were both virgins, so I am assuming you are both religious. There are tons of faith based books on sex and marriage. Find one that seems like a good fit for you guys and start reading it together.

      Third, and this is the most important one – and applies to all other areas of your marriage. You guys need to be upfront and honest with each other. Everything that you wrote here? About feeling bad, missing her at the door, knowing you can do better, and needing her? You need to say that all to her. And then actually do better. Also? There is a common misconception among women that sex for men is purely physical. When, for most men, it was one of the integral ways they feel and express love. A friend explained it to me best when I got married. She said,

      “Megan, how would you feel if when your husband came home from work he never spoke to you? Never talked to you, asked how your day was, wondered how you were doing? That is how a man feels when his wife won’t have sex with him.”

      Also, and this is the part I think is the most important, sex if for her! Women have a greater capacity to enjoy sex than men when it is done right. Honestly, Rhys, I am more concerned that she is enjoying sex than that you aren’t getting any. This is something that can be addressed by figuring out the source of the pain, and then spending time to educate yourselves about what she likes, needs and wants. What you think she will like is not necessarily accurate. Learn from her.

      I had one women write to me that she and her husband sat down together and read both of my articles on sex and then had an honest, hard but in the end, very good discussion. That might be a good starting point.

      Here is my other one. (But you better start with Five reasons she won’t have sex with you. ha!)

      http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-you-should-have-sex-with-your-husband-every-day/

      Don’t worry. You are both new to this. It gets better. You just need to be open with each other. Be patient and be loving. So, so loving. Remember to kiss and touch her just to kiss and touch her. Court her. It will all turn out alright.

    • I have to say that the two of you really jumped straight into the deep end with your approach (for moral reasons, but nonetheless, that’s hard), and that has been distressing and difficult for obvious reasons. Maybe there’s some way to step it all back a bit and work on areas other than penetrative sex, most particularly things that might turn her on. Young relationships typically start with a foreplay period that you’ve missed out on. For most people starting into intercourse for the first time is less than ideal, but in time you realise its power of intimate communication. Be patient, be kind, and stay committed.

  45. My husband and I have a 5month old baby…. I’m very sore still due to some major taring (sorry not tryin to say to much) but I’m now very sore an hurts to have sex so we don’t do ot to often well because we don’t it makes him mad I still give oral because I still want to givw him attention but when I try having sex its not injoyable and that’s all he wants. My main point and question is it wrong for me want help and want attention on me atleast once a day and not be demanded to spred my legs…. I love him we have bee. Together 3 years and this jas only started after our baby was born. I feel I get no respect and when I get help with the baby I also get glared at and told to hurry whatever I’m doing… using the bathroom.. cleaning…. just relaxing… anything its like a huge deal of I ask for anything. What do I do? Is it wrong to be soo mad about the way I’m feeling?

  46. 5. Woman doesn’t get orgasm? For perhaps over 2/3 of my marriage, once I realized I could give my wife an orgasm (via my masturbation of her), I’ve have given it to her EVERY TIME since (with a handful of exceptions, when I sensed she didn’t want orgasm herself, but just wanted me to “get it over with” [sex] as soon as possible. Those few times, I went straight from a little foreplay, straight to me “getting it”. And this has been around a couple of decades now).

    Once women start going through menopause, then they don’t want it as much (if at all). Although I have since we got married tried to communicate about our intimacy with my wife, she has given me precious little feedback. A couple of dozen times over the years (literally), I have been able to coax her to tell me what she likes (that I do), and what she doesn’t like (that I do).

    To find out that I even (really) satisfied her (my wife), our oldest daughter, (married now for close to 7 years) told me that her mother (my wife) had told her that I had made her (again, my wife), very satisfied in our intimate relations.

    Well, don’t they say the husband is the last to know? Wish she would have told me, once or twice (or much more). I tell her like 98.5% of the times (and this, over and over), how much I like what she does for me, and how wonderful what she does for me is to me.

    I think she has long held her tongue on this, as she has on many things, for fear I might bring what she said up (and hence use it as leverage to get what I want). Wow! I’m an open book. She’s a closed book. And too much of this is a one way street.

    One small thing that I she has never said back to me is when, before or after we make love, that, “I lover (her) soooooooooooooo MUCH!” She has ONLY repeated back to me (and doesn’t say this to me hardly ever at all, except back in response to when I say that), “I love you” (but, without EVER repeating what I ALWAYS have said to her “…soooooooooooooooo MUCH!” So, I gather from that that while I love her “sooooooooooooooo MUCH”, she doesn’t love ME “sooooooooooooooo MUCH!”

    I’ve even hinted to her a little now and then how important she is to me. Again, though I “give a deposit”, nonetheless, I (never) get a return.

    Guess I’m not “Mr Fantastic!” That’s extremely evident (by what she DOESN’T say, and what she too often DOESN’T do).

    I gather, basically, because women don’t have to depend on men so much anymore. They can work outside the home. They can become, largely, independent financially. And though I’m still married, and will likely remain so, the ‘back ups’ keep her mind wrapped around the idea that, if she “needed to”, or just “wanted to”, she could “do without me”, her (current) husband.

    It bothers me greatly!

  47. Nice article. Question. What is your view on why a woman will not work on bettering her sexual relationship. Married 26 years. When we have sex, she says “its for me” “I need it” etc. This is very bothersome because she does not approach sex as…something for herself-Coming from her own desire and passion for sex. She rarely starts things and is always waiting for me. I told her we should try something new to help get her mind onto sex because she says “she does not think about it.” I said why dont we switch off; I’ll start things, then the next time, you start something. She says thats too much pressure. So, any advise other than…go to counseling?

    • You know, some women just don’t have high sex drives (true of some men, too.) I think it would be helpful to read my other article, http://www.meginprogress.com/the-good-girls-guide-to-great-sex-and-even-better-intimacy/. So many of the books listed are so great in helping to develop intimacy AND sexuality. Start a book club for just the two of you. I would approach it as a way to create more intimacy, open line of communication in your relationship. More sex may follow the readings, sure. But more importantly, a better understanding of one another and one another’s needs and wants will also follow. Much luck, meg.

  48. All my wife wants to do is sit and watch television.

    I am a musician, I’m interested in sports (playing not watching), I like to do things, hobbies, but She doesn’t seem to want to do anything fun.

    There are many things her life which have gone negatively, her brother is a lazy idiot sometimes, she has more or less disowned her dad, her mother moved to the U.S. to be with her teenage sweetheart. She got Chrone’s Disease this year.

    I would say all of this is contributing to the fact that we don’t really have sex more than once a month or 2 months, but this has been a steadily declining pattern since 6 months before we got married, and we are just approaching our 4th anniversary. She has been in a job she enjoys at a company she hates for 5 years. I think that has a lot to do with it, it is her first real career and she began changing almost immediately. She is looking for a different job, and hopefully when she finds one she will be happier.

    I clean all the the dishes, wash all the clothes, she cooks as she is more fussy with her food where as I will eat anything, we have no children but I take care of the dogs we do have, I occasionally ask her whether she is in the mood but continuously get rebuffed with “We’ll do it tomorrow night” or similar, so I just got tired of asking and more often than not I don’t ask any more.

    I ask her about her day, I listen, she tells me about her dreams when we wake up, and I listen. We kiss every day.

    On the rare occasions we do have sex, she is almost always drunk, which incidentally is the only time she initiates. But she says its amazing and she forgets how good it is (an indication of how long in between instances it can be).

    I tell her how beautiful I think she is, and how much I love her, but sometimes I feel like I am lying.
    Early on in the relationship she mentioned that she thought the only reason I stroked her hair and kissed her in bed was that I expected sex in return, I said it wasn’t, and that is true, but at the same time I would like it some times.

    I want her to have hobbies and interests. I wish her parents had pushed her to do something and helped her find another passion, it just seems she has nothing but me, and I’m not good enough, and it is a drain.

    She used to be my biggest joy in life, but lately it just seems like my biggest effort is spent remembering reasons that I love her and hope the way she was returns, as she doesn’t believe me when I tell her she has changed.

    • Phil,

      So heartbreaking. I know I have said this again and again, but so often marriage counseling is the only thing that can give hope and help to a crumbling marriage. There are so many red flags here. She may be depressed, the illness could be taking its toll, there could be other issues involved. This issue sounds like something that predates her diagnosis and the fact that she will only have sex when she is drunk is concerning. The thing I can say is that in this circumstance you both need a third party (clergy, counselor, therapist) to help you understand what has gone wrong and how or if it can be fixed.If she won’t go, that may be an answer in itself.

      Best of luck.

      Meg

      • Hi Meg,

        First off, I’ve read a number of your posts and admire your writing, wit, candor, etc.

        I came to this post, probably like at least a good number of the men who have responded here, for some insight. I found little, but thanks for trying.

        Backstory: I am a good man, but not perfect by any means. I do a pretty good job of everything in the 5 reasons you list. I love my wife and I tell her so, as best I can in both word and action. I have been faithful to her through the good and bad of more than 25 years of marriage. We have had no intimate contact, nevermind sex, for more than 15 years. I am not at all ignorant that I have played an integral part in the issues of our relationship, including sex. I am at a crossroad, and am struggling to, but will be moving on; she is not interested in any type of MC.

        Back to it: I’m trying to balance some of the good advise you note in your “sex every day” post with this one. A lot of folks reading and posting here need to dial it back. When it comes to relationships between men and women, it often seems to resort to finger pointing. Let’s get real and acknowlege it will forever be a two-way street. I think you have tried to impart this in your posts, but I’ll spell it out in my terms: it all comes down to communication and intimacy. Without healthy attention to both…

        I’ll say I don’t like this 5 reasons posts much, because most seem to be interpreting it as a platform to say “it’s all the guy’s fault.” Bullshit. And, I don’t think this was your intent for writing it.

        Face it ladies and gentlemen: yep, there are definite reasons guys that your lady doesn’t want you, and ladies there are things you are doing that perpetuate some of those reasons too.

        Back to the crossroad: I’m coming to terms about my role in the downfall of my marriage. All I can do at this juncture is focus on fixing myself. I’m a recovering “Nice Guy” — Gentlemen do yourself a favor and read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. Ladies, If you are waving the victory flag at Meg’s article here, take a moment and reflect on how you may be part of the problem. There are plenty of you out there complaining about your man, when in fact you have quite possibly helped him to be that way.

        Keep writing Meg. You are a good soul.

  49. Reason 6.
    She is depressed.

    Unlike the persons above who claim she is a whore and getting sex on the side, while at the same time blaming her husband for her promiscuity, in all likelihood, if she will not sleep with you and you cannot figure out why, most likely she is depressed.

    So, instead of pointing fingers at the husband, or the wife, some compassion toward both may be in order.

    Kudos to the men and women who are faithful and stay with chronically depressed spouses.

  50. OK so, im going through this same crap. I clean, I cook, I ALWAYS help with my kids. My wife cheated on me alittle over a year ago when she was in Korea. (Not with a Korean). Shes the type of girl that doesnt like to talk. Like talk about role reversal. I talk she ignores me, when she talks its always about work and bills. I tryed to have sex with her last night and she literally told me she was just gonna lay there….I have no technique issues seeing how I have no issue making her reach climax and its not fake and I know this for a fact cause she you know….lol squirts. ANYWAY, I have had a hard time holding onto a job since we have been married cause she is in the army and I am not, I have been a little lazy and yes I have given up hope a few times. But I still try and I still do what I can. The other night she told me she loves me but doesnt like me. I dont even know what that means. I love her very much and my two children and I mean if I could help provide more I would but it seems thats all she cares about. Ive raised my children partially on my own. She shows no intresst in seeing a marriage councelor but also tells me that she doesnt want me to leave. I dont get it. Im at a loss on what to do.

    • you don’t know you do not need to live your life lik you don’t know you do not nee don’t live your life like that be free explore new women

      • Sorry I meant to say don’t live life like that if she cheated on you once before she will again and again if she hasn’t already as for the kids take them with you they dont need to be around a cheater it will teach them its ok to cheat but its not OK to cheat its in the Bible so be free life is to short to for wondering about tomorrow make tomorrow how you want it

  51. Yea… none of the “5″ are an issue. Married 25 years, and haven’t had sex in the last 5… I know she’s not getting it elsewhere, she just doesn’t care anymore.

    Screw that… no wonder there are so many divorces. I’d rather be single and free to do whoever.

    Women suck!

  52. I am so late to this game, but I LOVE this! Seriously, Meg- You are awesome! :)

    • Meg! I need help! I am recently married and our sex life has already fizzled. W started as a long distance relationship and were very sexually active with each other. After years of dating and engagement, we finally got married and the sex all but turned off. I have told my wife many times through conversation how important it is for me (intimacy in a relationship). She then brings up things I could be doing better. It seems things reset and maybe we’ll be intimate once or twice. I feed off this and do everything in my power to make her happy (flowers/cards for no reason, foot massages after work, surprise breakfast in bed, etc). But after a couple of days the intimacy is gone again. This upsets me and then I begin to disconnect and we start all over with an argument. It is a true downward spiral. Help!

  53. Hi Meg:

    Thanks for the great article. I promise not to call you any names, other than “someone who really understands how people work!” At least most of the time. This note is about those other times.

    First, let me say something bluntly: I married my wife for sex. We did not know each other very well when we tied the knot. I have had what many people have considered to be very peculiar views on relationships; for example, I really do not want to hurt someone or cause issues which disrupt the lives of others. Consequently, I did not have sex before meeting her even though I was nearly 30 years old and craved a relationship, though had difficulty figuring out “how to make it” with a woman. I am not very smart in that regard. Our courtship is a long story, but she needed me to marry her in the end for financial reasons and I saw marriage with her as an opportunity for sexual relief and much needed companionship. So, we married.

    After our first week of marriage and intense love-making, one of my office co-workers said: “Wow! You have really changed. You are so relaxed and easy going now. I wonder if it had anything to do with getting married?”

    It did. I finally had a companion with whom I could talk, share our lives together, and, yes, have sex. It was nirvana. I read some articles about sex and practised the suggested techniques with her. She had some incredible organisms. Even so, she would not reciprocate when I showed her some of the articles about making men happy, but that was no problem. In the end, just making her happy made me happy.

    A few years into our marriage, she began complaining that I did not make enough money, did not have enough degrees, and was not very handsome. Of course, she knew all that going into the agreement of being partners, but since getting married, my income had shot up to the top 5% in our area, we had saved quite a bit of money, owned a fairly expensive home, and I did have a Masters degree (she felt I should at least have a PhD). About that time, she began hanging around a man who was a corporate executive who had a PhD. Sometimes she was out until 1 or 2am with him. When she got home, she would tell me that the late nights were a part of the arts program she was involved in with the corporate executive. Part of me screamed “Alarm bells, this does not compute!”, but I trusted her implicitly and bought the story. She seemed happy. I was happy.

    Then, one day, I had to work late, so called her to say that I would miss a Christmas party with her arts group. I apologised profusely, but made it clear I might lose my job if I didn’t finish the project. As luck would have it, one of my co-workers figured out a very creative short-cut and we finished the project early. I was so very excited, thinking it would be a great surprise to bring a Christmas gift to my wife while showing up at the party unannounced. I would give her a big hug, we could maybe dance a bit, it would be a great way to start the holiday season!

    When I got there, my wife’s friends looked down at the floor rather than at me when I greeted them. That seemed strange. I asked where my wife was, one of them nodded against a window. There she was, with the corporate executive, holding hands and getting pretty affectionate. Apparently her friends had known all along that they were boinking each other. When he saw me, he pulled his hand immediately out of hers and stepped away. I just didn’t know what to say. I had never cheated on my wife and had always brought in as much money as I could, helped raise the kids (changed a lot of diapers), and tried not to just be a good husband, but be a good partner.

    I mentioned earlier that while I tried a lot of sexual techniques on her which made her climax, she never did anything back with me. I accepted that. That night, after I asked her what I was doing wrong, she said nothing, stripped down, led me to the shower, and showed me what the corporate exec had taught her: how to give a blow job.

    But, that was the only one I ever got from her. I put her affair behind us, we moved away to another city, when, one day, she asked if she could “go out’ with one of the arts guys who was a medical doctor. I told her I just couldn’t go through that again. I had a business trip and found upon my return that she had flown to LA to be with the doctor anyway.

    It goes on and on with her. Finally, about 5 years ago, I really needed the tender touch of a companion and brushed with my fingers through her hair, told her I still loved her, when she turned away and told me to never touch her again. At that point, I had never had sex with anyone but her. The effort I had put into maintaining our relationship was immense, as much as I could considering I had a full time job. I wasn’t going to give up. I need a companion!

    But, she was insistent. I was no longer allowed in her bed or permitted to touch her in any way. When we were in public and particularly around her friends, she was to hold my arm to show them that I was her husband, but anything outside of that meant no-touching. She was dictating terms. I’m not sure why I accepted them. Yes I am. Because I don’t make friends easily and I treasure what few friendships I have. After everything that had happened, I didn’t want to lose her.

    Yesterday, she called to say there was something on her computer I needed to check for paying a bill (she was away at the office-she has a job now). I was checking it when a message came up from a guy who belongs to an athletic club she frequents. Earlier, she had told me that she needed to be in another city for an event the following month. From the message, I learned that there was indeed an event in that city, but that she planned to sleep with this guy from her athletic club while there. He was very excited about it, even putting salivating icons in the message.

    I feel really bad right now. But, the story is more complex than you’ve read thus far. More complicated than is possible to put down here, but I owe you more details.

    Early in our marriage, my wife use to introduce me to some of her friends and tell them that I “was available” for them. I would laugh, thinking she must be joking. Surely she didn’t want me to have sex with her friends? Some of her friends were beautiful and would have put many movie stars to shame with their looks. But, I just wrote off her comments as a joke. Finally, after announcing that I was no longer to touch her under any circumstances except in public five years ago, I ran into one of her friends and we had sex. In fact, we had sex for over two years. It was the only affair I had outside of marriage and my wife’s friend said that my wife was completely aware of it. But, it wasn’t just sex. We would spend nights together, have dinner, discuss plans, it was really like the marriage I had never had. I even thought of getting a divorce and marrying her. But, my wife’s friend said, “No. You leave your wife, you leave me.” In the end, her friend eventually got married and that ended that, so I no longer have a sex partner. I will not pay for a prostitute. Maybe I am stupid. I am sitting here typing this letter feeling very sad and stupid, as a matter of fact.

    Anyway, life is complex sometimes. I am too stupid to figure out where this is going.

    • Hey brother, not trying to be a jerk, but you are bit of a spineless wimp (not so attractive). I understand because its my natural disposition as well.

      I read a great book that may help. “The disease to please” by Harreit Braiker. good luck

    • Go eat a snickers and get some nuts!

  54. Your article is informative and interesting. I am planning on getting my phd in mate selection/sexual desire and enjoy reading Dr Buss and Meston.

    Some of your readers seem frustrated or confused that contradicting and irrational behaviors can be true, and all at the same time. One of my favorites is dual mating strategy theory by Buss.

    My best advice to all people is keep researching if it really matters. The truths you discover might disappoint or frustrate, but ultimately give you peace.

    thx

  55. you serious? pfft! I provide everything for my wife, feed our baby,change his nappies, play with him, cuddle, cherish,nurture,ect.
    I bring home flowers,chocolates,wine, great food,clean house,dishes,cooks fantastic meals that you could not get in 99% of restaurants in london. cleans yard,even built her annother house, so she can play in. She dont work,and will never have to so long as our relationship continues, she has no money that she earns. Cant ever earn money, today the big “D” word came out. wants to take my baby away to her country, where she will have no home or money and will proberbly end up living on a rubbish tip, begging for cash at traffic lights in Serbia. “Ill give you a blow job later” she often says, but never does. 3 months now and still no sex.
    It all went wrong when she got pregnant.
    I cant divorce her, she will just take our baby to her country and it will have a miserable life living in a bankrupt,cespit banna-republic, that cant even manage a shag in a brothel. So what i do? Take the baby and kick her out? oh and everything i do is wrong to her, even when she realises she was wrong and i was right (100% of time btw) can she say sorry? no! she hates me & i h8 her. (spoilet little bitch) i should have slapped her teeth out when she 1st started becomming a bitch. (ive never hit a woman btw)

  56. Now I guess the question is, what if none of these apply? I am a good husband. I clean, cook, work two jobs, I always ask about her day, I make sure to make time for her, I am very affectionate, I always put her needs and wants first. There are a lot more things that I do, but you probably get the picture. She tells me that she’s just not really into sex, yet when we have sex she always enjoys it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I believe that in a healthy sexual relationship sex happens more than once or twice a month. But maybe I’m asking too much.

    • …wice a month……Andy, mate, that would be heaven.
      My live-in GF went off sex 2 years ago, and that’s that. Tried all the romance stuff, tired talking about it, talked to Relate (UK counsellors), talked to doctor. Conclusion is: that’s your lot. Unless I leave her, I’m never going to have sex again.

  57. Meg,
    Your articles are great, I’ve been with my husband altogether 24yrs, married for 19yrs. Sex was not something I used to have to ask for now I have to beg for it. It makes me cry even now just writing this thinking I have to beg my husband for sex and he says well I’m tired and I don’t know one guy that would turn down sex from their wife. I just have this gut feeling he is cheating on me. We do have sex it’s just not like we use to and it’s like he will only have sex on certain days if that makes sense. We never can have sex 2 days in a row. He is driving me nuts and if I try he gets very angry and starts a fight with me. So I really feel like there is more to this. I would love to know what you think.
    Thanks, Steph

    • Steph,

      Okay, here is what I think. Generally if the wife feels like there is something else going on, then…well…there is something else going on. Now! That doesn’t mean it is cheating or anything so destructive. There could be a number of issues that could cause him to act that way. Depression, ED, problems at work or other issues in the marriage. I know that my readers often hate when I say this. BUT. I think it sounds like a good time for marriage counseling. I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that you are both unhappy, things aren’t working and you need the help of an objective third party. If he won’t go (and he might not), go by yourself. Your therapist will be able to help you work through your own responses, expectations and can you help you better evaluate the situation. It can be tricky to find a good therapist, ask around, read reviews, often your primary doctor will have a good recommendation. (If you live anywhere in Utah I am a big fan of The Healing Group. http://www.thehealinggroup.com)In the meantime, please remember. Whatever is happening, it is a reflection of a new development in your husband’s life. It has nothing NOTHING to do with you. It doesn’t change your value, appeal or femininity. You are still lovely.

      Best of luck and so much love,

      meg

    • Welcome to the world of most blokes!!…in all honesty though any guy who turns down sex either cant get it up ot is playing away.

  58. Meg
    There is merit in or article, but of course wouldn’t it be wonderful if this matter of sex and intimacy could be handle by just knowing these five reasons. It most cases (possibly over 90% of the time) it comes down to sex and money. That sounds terrible but unfortunately true. Both couples want to feel safe and secure, nurtured and loved. Though both couples work to achieve these goals the traditional gender roles still hold true. The man is expected to keep his family safe and secure and usually this is done by him providing for his family, and the woman role still seems to hold true as the caregiver. Today both roles are shared but again the male and female roles most of the time still fall into the traditional mold. If a woman wants items in the house to be replaced or fixed,the husband will try to make his wife happy, safe and secure. To work to get these things takes months or years to accomplish. Your advice on the 5 reasons a wife will not have sex with her husband is worth understanding. But there is 1 reason a woman should have sex with her husband, it makes him feel loved and cared for. The husbands role as provider is very difficult and takes long hours and years of effort. The female role as caretaker is also a lifelong commitment. The difference is that a woman can make big difference in a marriage just by showing a little kindness to her husband every now a then, it takes much less effort that building an addition to the house.

    • my girlfriend talks about sex and shows her dildos. sex toys.to other men .i try to just not here her talk that way.she says. theirs nothing wrong with talking like that.it bugs me.why dose it bug me.she says its normal.to tell men about how she likes it. and if a dildo isn’t the right one. when she sucking a dick.or how i don’t eat her pussy eight.am i just over reacting”?

    • I hear you, but there are two sides to a story. My husband works long hours and the majority of the time 7 days a week. When he does get home, he goes to the bedroom and lays down and watches TV. Any interaction with me or the kids is minimal at best and he thinks its ok to yell from the bedroom, “Hey baby, come on back here.” And I am suppose to be OK with that? We were going out for a short period of time every Friday and my feelings began to start kicking in and I actually began to feel something for him. When we have sex, if I don’t masturbate myself, then I go without and he doesn’t care whether or not I have an orgasm. And I am suppose to be OK with this? We’ve been married 21 years now and we constantly complains that we don’t have enough sex. He wants it a couple of times a day. No I don’t comply, and fortunately for me he learned early on he cannot force me. It was a tough time to get through. I am numb. The only affection I get from him is when he wants sex. He tells me he feels love for me when we have sex. His behavior makes me hate him, not love him, nor feel like giving to him. After 21 years of him nagging me I finally start to feel guilty, maybe something is wrong with me. But I don’t believe this to be true. Every time he looks something up he looks to validate himself. He does not try to see where I am coming from. The only reason I am with him is because I cannot leave my girls and I cannot support them right now. Therefore, I must stay and endure this crazy life a little while longer. Other than that, he does work hard, however, he has been letting that slip now. We’ve got leaks in the roof and he is not making an attempt to fix them and now we have no money. And I am suppose to “makes him feel loved and cared for” when other than providing a roof over my head and making sure we have money for food – not many clothes, be OK with only that? I am a woman and need a relationship with my husband. I need to share my entire life with him, not just the bedroom. I could keep going on and I apologize for saying so much, but if you read this, thanks for your time.

      • Terri,

        You are absolutely right. None of that is acceptable and I am so sorry you are dealing with it. I don’t know if you saw the companion article I wrote for this. Five Reasons Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You, http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-your-wife-wont-have-sex-with-you/. Reading your comment, it looks like he has given you more than five reasons. I wish I had a good answer. Having children that need to be supported absolutely complicates the situation. Marriage counseling might work, but sometimes things are just broken. I knew a woman in a similar situation. She decided to smile and survive until her kids were grown. She took night classes so that when the last one left, she was in a position to get a job. And then as soon as her last child was gone, she filed for divorce. She already had a job lined up and an apartment to move in to. I don’t know if that is the right answer for everyone in this situation, but it certainly was for her. I am so sorry, Terri. All I can say is that your girls are damned blessed to have a mom that puts them first. And that you are strong. And that you deserve more.

        And I really hope you get it.

        Love,

        meg

      • Terri,

        I am so sorry you are going through this. You seem to be describing my life almost exactly before I got divorced. I was a stay at home mom for 15 of the 18 years that I was married to the man who abused me the way your husband abuses you. And it IS abuse! I was determined to stay in the marriage because I believed in the covenants I made and didn’t take those lightly. We even saw a counselor together and I saw one on my own thinking all I had to do was be a better wife and he would someday be the man that I thought he was before we were married. Anyway, I won’t go into detail about all the abuse we (I and our 4 children) went through. He only cared about sex and one day admitted to me that he was and had been heavily into pornography for a long time. I tried to become more sexual and eventually found that I was using sex as a tool to keep him from being abusive which wasn’t working very well. Although none of it was physical- emotional and verbal abuse is very harmful too. There were times that I hated hime so much that I prayed that he would just die. My youngest was 10 when I finally left him. It was NOT easy. I had to find a job that would allow me to be home when my kids were home from school. I hadn’t worked for 15 years. I also took some classes at the local college. Fortunately for me, my church helped me out for a while. I have now been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. All I can say is it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was hell. My X got more abusive and has completely ruined his relationship with his children. They won’t have anything to do with him now. But it was all very worth it. We have been divorced for 10 years and he has a new wife and her four children who he is abusive to now. My life is wonderful and so are my children’s lives. Plan now to get a life outside of that abusive marriage. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. If he wants a relationship with you he needs to work for it. If he doesn’t work for it he doesn’t’ deserve you.

  59. I’ve tried almost all those for a year. I have given up. It is what it is. Either I leave or ill have to live with it forever. I just quit my job recently I’m not going to follow happy wife happy life rules. What makes her happy makes me feel like a locked up dog. Shame and uncare used little dog. Its just present time media making everything base on women treating men’s like slave. Fuck the media and fuck all the blog forum about how a man should trreat his wife. We should both be happy and both equally plan out our lives together. Why even get married if your going to end up being a slave. Shake my mother fucking head.

  60. As others have noted, this article was very stereotypical and one-sided.
    I really don’t think that anyone’s needs are served by perpetuating this myth that complex relationship dynamics can be improved by five reasons which essentially say that men are the constant flaw in the equation.

    Your rather childish and immature treatment of anyone who disagreed with you however, was really telling and unfortunate. Yes, some of the posts did not deserve a response, but some raised some rather valid points which you conveniently avoided addressing.

    I don’t know what happened in your life to make you hate men to the degree that you clearly do but since you so obviously hold counseling in such high regard, I would recommend dealing with the obvious and palpable hate you have towards men in such an environment yourself.
    While reading your post, the term misandry immediately comes to mind.

    It is a shame that BOTH men and women feel the need to pander to ugly stereotypes and gender bias in the guise of offering advice to others.
    The internet is full of sites and articles that slam modern women as narcissistic, entitled, arrogant and spoiled. It is also filled with articles like yours, which paint men as clueless, lazy, selfish and childish.

    They both find a ready and eager audience of the relationship disaffected, who now have an easy scapegoat for all of their frustrations. They are conveniently absolved of any personal responsibility or ownership over that area of their lives because, after all, it’s the other gender that is flawed.

    Sad.

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  62. my girlfriend talks about sex and shows her dildos. sex toys.to other men .i try to just not here her talk that way.she says. theirs nothing wrong with talking like that.it bugs me.why dose it bug me.she says its normal.to tell men about how she likes it. and if a dildo isn’t the right one. when she sucking a dick.or how i don’t eat her pussy eight.am i just over reacting”?

  63. my girlfriend talks about sex and shows her dildos. sex toys.to other men .i try to just not here her talk that way.she says. theirs nothing wrong with talking like that.it bugs me.why dose it bug me.she says its normal.to tell men about how she likes it. and if a dildo isn’t the right one. when she sucking a dick.or how i don’t eat her pussy eight.am i just over reacting”? is this normal or is there something else going on?

  64. I disagree.
    I have been trying for 11 years of a 14 year marriage to make things work. As the husband I have never thought that my role precluded any “women” chores and share the responsibility of the house with my wife. She works 8 hours a day, I work 14. I do more than half of the housework, enough that she can fall asleep on the couch at 8:00pm if I even start to act romantic. I listen to what she says and actually care, I tell her I love her, and show her every chance I get. She is my world and I will do anything for her. I stay manly and am the first to stand up to defend her, our children, and yet I wont start trouble. She says she loves me and would be devastated if I left but will do nothing to improve a passionless marriage. She won’t do date nights, won’t see a counselor, won’t discuss any changes that could improve our emotional connections. I always read how we (men) need to help out more, how we need to listen more, how we need to do something. Women are complex and the problem is complex. Crap! Sometimes, it’s the woman’s fault. Sometimes these little tips just don’t work and no matter what we do, at the end we (men) are always going to be the bad guys.
    She loves me and doesn’t want me to leave. I stay and I am miserable. I leave and I am the bad guy because I didn’t try enough. Yea, I have and it doesn’t work. Not a weeks trying, 11 years of reading everything on relationships. Trying to discuss the problem with her. Listening to even the slightest whisper of her comments to glean some understanding in why I am left to feel undesirable only to be told “It’s not you”. One counselor said “screw it, sometimes you just have to leave”. Okay, great advice, but she breaks down when I start to and reminds me how bad it will be on the kids. So here I am left with the knowledge that the one person that means the most to me, that keeps telling me she loves me, doesn’t find me the least bit desirable, and the best advice is to continue to listen and try harder.

    • JR….ohh man I couldn’t have written it any better, in fact we could be the same guy. Ha ha.
      Look I get what the original article is saying and It frustrating that I see my friends (couples) have those problems, I’m not frustrated because she won’t have sex with him, I’m frustrated he has it on tap and could care less.
      There is little to add to JR other than my wife of 12 years had no bother having sex 2 times a day when she was ovulating…..and only when ovulating. And I know the normal response is “that when she is horny” but it’s not that at all, it calculated and pre planned boring climb on and get done sex. Orgasm…… not a issue, in fact multiple times 90% of the time. NO not a big noting of ones self we have both worked on the ability to do that. So that’s not the reason.
      Fit and in good shape, done.
      Clean, cook and work 15 hour days, done.
      And for the “baby sitting” of the kids? I agree there my kids and I spend as much times as I want with them, granted I’m very lucky because as much as I want is as much as I can. So it’s not baby sitting it is exactly as previously said PARENTING.
      I love her so much and love how hard we have worked to get where we are, after years of bashing my head against a wall with feelings and changing myself in the hope she has a change of desire I have decided to just work on me! I don’t ask any more, still be romantic, still give body massagers still do what I need/want to do around the house but have given up on the reward system. It sucks, and I fear that this new path will eventually not involve her, and not because she won’t “blow me” but because if one changes without the other eventually we will grow apart.

      (That’s all, sorry I wasn’t suppose to dribble, but in the end I had to slow myself down.)

      Thanks Meginprogress, good article.
      And JR hang in there mate, I really feel for you and perhaps we will talk one day

  65. ” Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race.”

    Bullshit. The moment after “I do” she changed and started working on changing me.

    I stayed the same. Well, I tried to. It worked for a while.

    I didn’t marry her because I wanted someone else. I didn’t marry her because I was looking for a side-project that I could work on over weekends. Apparently those were her criteria and, boy, I fit the bill. I mean, I FIT the BILL. Yeah!

    These days my balls are there for decorative purposes only.

  66. Okay, this goes to the men because I’m now convinced that women are so FULL of themselves that they can’t even fathom the idea that there are women out there that are just nuts and have snakes in their heads.

    I feel you guys. Listen, I’m 38 and have been married to the same girl for 11 years and have a five year-old. Before we were married, the relationships I had with different girls was a sexual frenzy and I will and have done ANYTHING to get a girl off – because I get off on it. I have NEVER had anything but praise and damn it, I have the experience and I am good because of it (sounds ridiculously egotistical, but you’ll see why I have to think this way after being beat the hell down for no reason). Anyway, after a lot of sex – me getting her off no matter what and never any complaints and a good relationship – sex stopped on a dime. She started this hand checking me when I’d touch her intimately – no I’m not being too rough – and hand-checking me (blocking) me when going down on her. I ask what is up and she says she’s just really sensitive. Okay, this is new, but okay, how can I fix so it’s good for you. “I don’t know,” is what I get. “Maybe more foreplay (which would then be about 40 minutes) – but okay. So 40 minutes it is, and she indicates this is good, until moving forward, then same issue. At this point, let me remind all females reading this in disgust that I have NEVER been offered any type of foreplay EVER. In eleven years – Tame example: I have given hundreds of massages and never ONCE received one. I have pleasured without reciprocation may, many times, but have never received even a token hndjob when she doesn’t feel like doing anything. But that’s okay – just need to make this point.

    Domestic – I am a neat freak. She seldom cleans. I do my own laundry, iron my own clothes, and cook for us all the time. If not, we go out. Fine with me. I tried to do her laundry and stopped after I ruined one of her shirts because I didn’t know what I was doing. Am I whipped and does she see me as non-masculine? No. I make it quite clear that I do it so it will get done and I hate sht lying around and being dirty. So I quit touching her stuff – dishes, crap lying around, etc – and clean my own messes. I don’t cater to her every whim, guys – seriously. I just don’t expect her to do crap for me and I don’t do her crap either. Womens’ Lib? Great. But you CANNOT have your cake and eat it too. Not at my expense.

    So starts the hoop jumping. I love sex. I always have and I’m good at it. Ego run amuck? Maybe – but I got the idea from being told this…a lot, so… I am emotionally and physically available and transparent and try to live by treating others the way you would want to be treated. Period. Guys, when you say that once you are like this, (nice and respectful) you are finished – I tend to agree with you. The girl doesn’t want this. They say they do, but they don’t. Girls, you’re kidding yourself in arguing. You just don’t know yourself yet. Anyway – so trying to deal with this sex issue – it slowed to a stop. I would get frustrated. She’d sense it and throw me a bone. Then over and over the pattern goes until I call bllsht from feeling like a charity case when she finally feels like doing it (which she acts mad that I feel this way) “Well, it’s this”…so I jump through that hoop and she is thrilled. “Now it’s this”…so I jump through that hoop and she’s thrilled. Fine, I think if nothing else I am improving myself in the long run. Well, guys, guess what…she ran out of hoops and she knew it. So we go to therapy. I’m willing to and actually do this stuff with a good attitude and it does nothing. So we stop. She says, “I guess we really should be having sex twice a week,” I am in disbelief. OKAY!!! Doesn’t happen – EVER.
    So what do I do ? For awhile, I think she has something weird going on with this guy – not physical, but maybe an emotional affair? Yes, there is such a thing. I call her out on some things that are bllsht that start getting fishy and it stops when I privately confront her…then him. She claims it was all on his part, which I kinda believe, because he is waaaay not her type – she’s smoking hot (and I have ALWAYS told her that – ALL the time) and he is, well, not. I know it wasn’t physical, I know the tricks and it wasn’t logistically possible anyway.
    So I finally call her out – which she has had no problem by the way doing to me over ANYTHING. Do you not like sex? “Yes. I try to please you.” Bllsht. Has anything ever happened to you that may be causing something psychologically? “No, never.” “Haqve I lost it – is it bad? “No.” Then what is it? “Nothing, I’m trying to do what you want,” bllsht answer. “I just don’t want to do it as often as you I guess.” Once every month if I’m lucky? (People, I had sex 12 times last year – 12 times out of 365 days. Even conceding the days each month for “her time” (which I have no trouble dealing with if she would want to do even during that time) – it’s still bllsht.

    Okay: I’m being led around by my nose and my c*ck is in a jar on the shelf. I’m 39, in shape, a professional making good money (I’ve even offered to have her stay home if she wants) have a lot to offer and I’ll be damned if I’m giving up sex this early in my life – if ever. Call me what you will, but I have never cheated and I will not even consider leaving because I WILL NOT do that to my five-yr-old and I take my vows seriously (yay, me – I know…just the way it is), I don’t believe in quitting…fix it. Even I think this sounds egotistical, but I am confident (not COCKY – I’m actually quite humble…I’m just being VERY frank, people) and that confidence has been shaken and I’m doing what I can to not lose it, because I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way. Especially when I look around and see how most other girls are being treated and still have stars in their eyes over the biggest dirtbags on earth treating them like dogs. I’ll never understand this and am frankly sick of hearing girls whine about how mistreated they are…sorry, but guys know exactly what I mean).

    I’ve asked her to be evaluated by a doc as I think her hormone levels are messed up. She won’t, it makes her mad. I ask that she look into anti-depressants, which also makes her mad – BUT it was okay that I started taking them as one of the hoops I jumped through for her. (I really do think it’s hormonal. I’m not a doc, but I do have medical training).

    I refuse to let us separate over this as for the most part we can get along if I concede to not having sex.
    I’ve asked her that she talk to someone and she finally agreed to get mentally evaluated, but I’m afraid she’s wavering. So – here it is: I’m about to ask her that we develop some kind of terms about this situation. I’m about to push the envelope by suggesting that she concede to letting me have a “just sex friend” outside of our marriage. I have had and continue to have plenty of opportunities that I’m sure would have been some guys’ wet dreams, but it makes me ill. Do I want this? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But damn it, I feel trapped. Again, separating is out of the question. So is this just going too far? I’m out of ideas. I’m taking suggestions if they are constructive. If not, go fck yourselves, especially if you are female (nothing against your sex, just sick of hearing your self-righteous, never-your-fault-jump through this hoop bullsht. Not all females, but god, get over yourselves – you don’t deserve anything more than anyone else – even if you get it.) And I’m sure people think I’m an asshle, but take a walk in my shoes – I’ve tried to walk in her’s and can’t figure it out. So… ???

    • When I read this, at first I though it was a ghost writer describing my life right now to number of years married, a 5 year and I do most of the laundry, cooking and cleaning while she claims that she does.

      Basically, I’ve tried all the wonderful stuff like “do the laundry, clean up after the kids, make dinner” and so on so that she doesn’t have to. What do I f***ing get in return? – Taken for granted and she has even more time to indulge in her facebook and internet addiction which she won’t admit to while I do the dishes.

      As a husband, I cherish my wife and I’m not ready to give up sex this young. But I ask myself – what’s the point of monogamy if it becomes an excuse for the other party to simply ignore.

  67. Oh ya, and I forgot to mention. I care for my child, bathe, dress, feed and play with him – I’d say just as much IF NOT MORE than she. She takes for granted that I’m always available to watch him when she wants to do something – that I don’t have plans. Plus, I get upset at times because I don’t think she gives him enough time or affection. Not always, but enough to bother me at times.

    • Holy shit, donewithhoops that was a huge rant.
      Very fucking interesting, I hear you on the hoop thing. I stumbled across this article just the other day and had a little spiel earlier. I understand what your saying and it’s hard to get it off your chest and get advice at the same time, I also get how frustrating it is that you need to jump those hoops just to get your end away when in fact it’s a great and loving thing for a couple to share. It drives me crazy when I ask all the same questions and get all the same answer and you ask, well why don’t you want it? The answer is I just don’t. And not quitting, good for you man but I ask the question how long can you pretend to be happy.
      Best of luck with the side kick to just fuck! If that works out let me know.
      I have had the conversation many times, we take the vows we promise to be each other’s shoulder to rest on and all that but when you say you desire a blow job there is some sort of ok line to deny it and still be annoyed if you sort after alternate means (no I’m not saying cheating at first chance) if you talk about it, work on it, jump through the hoops and your still not any closer it’s time to have a solid look my friend, is it really going to get better.
      Chere

  68. I must say I just read your whole article and that must be for some city boys.
    I’m from the country put in 60-70 hours weekly do the yard work, laundry, trash, dishes, fix things around the house and serve in the army reserves. I have three step daughters and my son who lives under our roof. I spend time when I can with all of them. Try to take her out on a date in which case she only wants to go to the casino. She takes college class’ s at night twice a week. Doesnt clean around the house. I don’t get anything in return except constant bitching about how stressful everything is. Dont mean to be rude but I disagree with your article. Especially if your a stay at home mom. If you want to be happy then do stuff with your husband to make him happy if you expect the same.

  69. Hi Meg! I think your article is very good and truthful. Of course as previously noted that people and circumstances are different with each couple. Bravo if this helps any frustrated couple. Just bcz a few guys want to rip on it doesn’t prove their point. To me it shows them stuck in their own perceptions. My husband does come home, throw his socks on the floor then stare at tv for an hour or two. For me it doesn’t stop me from wanting sex with him. It does mean I might grumble as I pick up behind him. What makes me want to refuse him sex is when my foreplay to him becomes his orgasm and I sit there sexually frustrated or he’s in a hurry for his and mine is slow therefore he’s done and I’m not. It’s thoughtless and or selfish on his part to think I am only there for his gratification. Of course it’s not like this every time so I have hope each and every time that it will be as mind blowing as I know it can be.

    • Oh yeah for a lot a women if they’re not secure in their mates sexual preference or lost of trust this affects our sexual drive. My husbands friends used to send him pornographic pics and as a woman I want a man who’s with me and not thinking of that hot pic. That pic that doesn’t get tired, get periods , stinky breath and armpits. And on no grounds can I compete with an airbrushed model.

  70. TheHardAndProbablyTheTruthThatWorksButiHaveNotAttemptedYet

    I am a man who has treated my wife with respect and helping raise our three children. Married for close to 14 years. Having read the vast majority of these posts, it is a sad truth that no matter how much she may claim she cares about you – and of course galaxies less than the children – the moment I am involved with another woman to do ANYTHING remotely romantic – for instance go to a church event – she is ALL over me pestering me with insecurities and even alluding to this in front of our children. Which is the most unfair of all I I hope you are well you agree.

    It is a sad truth and throwing a spanner in the works BUT SOMETIMES CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE IS THE SURE WAY TO FEEL EMOTIONALLY CLOSER TO HER.
    I have not done it and have been given lots of temptations but I am only human. I wished she could see it before too late.

  71. My wife is a freakin lesbian or the coldest fish ever. i am a VERY LOVING AND CARING husband, but she denies me for months at a time! Thank God he gave me a hand with five fingers! :-)

  72. There is much more at play here then the simple 5 reasons provided. My wife grew up in the LDS faith believing that sex was bad and a lifetime of doing dishes and Friday date nights cannot change this. Many women simply have no desire for sex whatsoever. My wife has not made love to me for over 13 years. (I’m not looking for your sympathy – It is what it is). Some advice to women: “Do you need sex? OK, lets make it really fast…do your thing.. get it over with, etc.” These comments and this type of attitude does not help. Men don’t want a quick out of pity (or guilt) sexual release. They want to know that they are loved. Do you care enough about your husband to share yourself with him?

    But the sad truth is that no matter what you teach, some partners simply have no desire. Live with it or leave your religion.

  73. Totally agree,I love the way you describe how women are. I don’t feel like having sex with my husband anymore. He is too busy working and coming home everyday with tons of complaints. We just had a three moths old baby and my time is also taken a lot taking care of the baby. We lost intimacy and I still have personal issue of his betrayal while we were dating. I didn’t want to have sex with him because I kept my faith. Then I found out he slept with two women and paid them then said goodbye. In another word, prostitutes. That’s why I lost interest now, I think he will only have sex with me to drain his sperm, not to build a strong and true intimacy.

  74. “Meg, I just read this out loud to my mom and we were laughing so hard. I laughed so hard …”

    This is what is wrong with many American women. This is very sad.

    • Oh Dr. Steve, you missed it! This is what is so very right about us American women. Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice!

      • I think he hit it right on the head. In the beginning sex was very primal and physical as we all are. We men and women are wretched things. No more than beasts even though we tend to give ourselves more credit than that at times. I am tired of women Rejoice Rejoice Rejoiceing in using sex as currency. If its currency that i need for sex i may as well go to the fucking bunny ranch and get what i pay for.

  75. Women think of sex as a “favor” that they would do to their man if he has behaved in a way they wanted him to. And they never tell him how to behave, in words. They expect men to automagically read their minds.

  76. Really? because she acted like a complete whore when we first met right up to the day we got married. Dont give me the bullshit about softness and paying attention because I never did. Your all nuts!

  77. This is a completely biased view. I find it incredible that we are stipulating the MAN has to do something to fix what is an equal issue. Again we are lumbered with this. I pull more than my fair share at home. We’ve two kids and I work 12 hr days, come home, help clean up, get lunches ready for the next day, at weekend I give lie-ins to my wife so shes not tired (limit excuses). She’s had endless weekends away, nights out and romantic baths and gestures – with nothing in return. She’s been given space, time and god knows what else. And yes I’m tired of it. And Yes I reaslise Im the chump here…but you have to try…

    BUT, this raises the more serious issue. Why is it the man has to do all this to have sex? Why do we have to go over and beyond in order to have mutual intimacy and pleasure?

    I actually came online to find out reasons as to why my wife might not fancy me anymore. Id consider myself good looking, I get attention when Im out, I’ve only eyes for my wife but I cant continue like this.

    To find a link to your article telling us/me to do more and more is pointless and archaic at best. It’s straight out of a Harry met Sally movie. When are women going to take responsibility for their own sexual drive and understand they need to meet 50/50 on this?

  78. A nice, succinct article. You mention reading some how-to’s…do you have any in particular that you might recommend? Everything that I’ve glanced through has focused on orally stimulating — something that my wife is very sensitive about and only allows it when she’s had more than a few drinks. I am typically stiff-armed when I try to please her; she’d rather I just have my fun. She is pessimistic about ever climaxing during sex (she does come with a vibrator). She claims that she’s tried lots of things with lots of other people before she met me and simply feels that she is broken. She’s also had some bad sexual experiences in her past and seems to have some lingering Catholic guilt about the act. My position is that we have a lot of years of sex ahead of us, so why not try to have fun. How can I help her to turn her attitude around? Clearly she isn’t about to climax if she adamantly believes it can’t happen!

  79. I agree with everything you wrote and I have done all of this before reading your post. I’ve been married going on 10 years and my wife has cheated on me. She she felt guilty and had told me about it. When I found out my world had fell apart it was like I was living in a bad dream and my wife is the only person I’ve ever been with. I have thought about cheating on her but I will not let my self do that even though I have plenty of opportunities to do so and I will not do it because I love her. I have forgave her and I still do everything that you had wrote on your post. So if you could write 10 things wives can do for their husbands that would be great. It is after all supposed to be 50/50 it’s not all about the woman or the man but both. thank you keep on writing your posts they do help more people than you think.

  80. Thank you for the advices that is important to understand. But I think that it is different i marriages. It depends on how the situation and personalitys of people are. What you are writing about is a long looking article. You forgot all the other aspects.
    Like i told you, thanks.

    But there are many things missing.

  81. Meg,

    Thank you for your post. However, while I have made a reminder list and will try do some of your suggestions everyday I am still at an impasse. My wife is stressed all the time, exhausts herself over our children, and refuses to do anything for herself. She has worked herself into a ball of anxiety, stress, and anger.

    I am a good husband. I work a full time job (the only outside job in our household, that is to say I am the sole breadwinner. but I recognize she has a full time job too with the kids and our home), am a full time student, do all the cooking at our house, help with dishes, laundry, etc.

    I encourage her to do anything for herself, but I can’t seem to get her to. She has become very scared of social situations and uses the children as her excuse for everything. She even tried to back out of a girls trip to Napa after months of planning. Her excuse was the kids are sick (which they are always sick, there’s 3 of them and one is always coughing as is the case with any house with 3 kids). I bought the ticket and told her she had to go to take some time for herself.

    I have suggested for many years that she get some help with her anxiety, but she will not and it is getting worse. I have offered to go with her to many different therapies including but not limited to couples, sex, and family.

    With all that, we are still not having sex. Whenever I bring up the subject I am a jerk who only talks about sex. However, I feel that actually, I am becoming an actual jerk with a short temper because I need sex for my mental health. I am an egalitarian who believes that nobody should be forced to do something they don’t want to. So I understand and agree that she has no obligation to have sex with me. However, in that same vein, that does not work for me. I do not want to be celibate. Sex is a very important part of any relationship for me, and the lack of it is having an effect on my personal image, confidence, and general attitude.

    I have ben reading posts on the web all morning and see everything from “leave her” to “deal with it. Marriage is forever”, but your post was the only one with some constructive ideas. But I do most of that (with the exception of saying thank you enough. but I will work on it).

    My general plan is to try something new for 30 days. I will not bring up sex, say thank you and I love you everyday, and continue to help with the kids and housework. But baring a drastic change in her attitude I don’t know what else to do.

    The simple fact is I put our relationship first, and she puts it last. I believe that if we are a strong couple, the kids will see how a family can work. But she puts the kids first, which has made my 3yr old a spoiled brat, and the twin 6mo boys are well on their way to understanding that if they cry mom will come running. How do I reconcile this drastic separation of our ideals.

    I am not really expecting an answer, as I am about a year late on this post. But it helps to put it all down and get it out to the world. If you do feel like responding please send it directly to my email. And you have my permission to post this on your site or use in another post on this topic. Maybe it will help another person in my situation.

    Thank you,
    Unsure about the Future

  82. Bullshit. Women say all these things, but at the end of the day it’s nonsense. It’s how they feel, what their day has been about, how they see themselves, and whether they are in the mood. It’s never been about me, or anything I do. I gave up trying to please her about ten years ago. No difference. Our sex hasn’t changed since I stopped caring whether she liked it or not. Same.

    Simple fact of the matter – women don’t need sex. They give birth, they have a hysterectomy, they have a cold, they disagree with their boss, they have a hangnail – it’s all about what they need. For them, sex is not an appetite, it’s a treat. Kind of like chocolate mousse – indulged once in a while. For most men, it’s a need, not a treat.

    • Top post Ron. Hit the nail on the head!!

    • Absolutely! Women control the relationship through sex instead of using direct communication and honesty.

      They care about what they want and need and if you complain, they list reasons why you are being unreasonable.

      They are fear based and simply cannot address their own issues without externalizing and making it about someone else.

  83. Wow, such drama.
    If one person needs to eat 3 times a day and the cook only needs to eat once every 2 days then one person starves or one person cooks when they are not hungry.
    What ever happened to the art of the quikie.
    15 minutes, a quick clean up and life goes on.
    Sex is not something to dispense as a commodity. It is the centre of the universe. It drives everything we do as a human.
    Men need to understand that women only need to eat every 2 days and women need to understand men need to eat 3 times a day. No one likes to be hungry.
    Women need to cook when they are not hungry and men need to miss a meal now and then.
    I get it 3x+ a week and my wife needs it once a week. It’s a real simple balance.
    If a spouse works out for an hour 3 times a week enough to take a shower, then there is no excuse to have a “unsatisfying” quickie 3 x a week. It’s less strenuous and more fun.
    I’ve been married for 26 years and our sex life is perfect. It’s everyday and once every 2 weeks sometimes, but it’s never the same and always light and fun.
    Men: make your wife coffee and chocolate croissants in bed every weekend morning and get over yourself.
    Women: enjoy that your husband still desires you and embrace the quickie

    • What John said! ^^

      And also, sometimes she (or he) really IS over-tired, or stressed with work bullsht, or the kids are overwhelming.

      If that’s the case, then some practical changes in lifestyle may need to be made… ie: time management, change of job, get a baby-sitter, adjust schedule, etc. It’s not always some deep psychological thing going down.

      My wife and I are both self-employed, and whenever business is steady and things are good we end up having lots of sex; if business is slow or things are stressful, sex becomes less frequent.

      Anyway, I get the article, and I know for some people there are other issues or something, but sometimes it’s not so deep.

    • Did it ever occur to you that your situation might be different than others?

  84. Every morning I get up, make coffee and a light breakfast for my bride. I take it to her in bed. Then I put her lunch together with a travel mug on weekdays. With love notes.

    We both work but I am the primary income. I always open the car door for her. And the house too of course. I cook most of the meals, and I do most of the dishes. Pots and pans… I give her the back rub she likes every night as she watches her favorite shows. I scrub the floors, dust, mow the lawn or shovel snow, take care of the 2 cars, walk the dogs, exercise, help her with all her computer problems, paint rooms, fix the plumbing, electrical, shop for food, and I vacuum every other day or more.

    She tells me she loves me every day. We sleep in separable rooms because she watches tv and I need quiet. She plays on her iPad and falls asleep with it in her arms instead of me. Don’t ever buy your wife an iPad.

    I’ll be leaving for work on a Monday morning and she will say to me “we should have sex on the weekend”. So all week I know I will have no fun. Then on the weekend she’ll fall asleep. I am working all day at work and then all evening on chores. I go to bed tired but still up for some fun.

    People who say that men need to do more have never lived in my shoes. My wife and I didn’t have sex before marriage so I have decades of catching up to do… But I don’t have sex for 10 months and then I stop counting. Before I got married I had women wanting sex all the time. I broke up with so many beautiful women because they wanted to fornicate. Even women pretending to be Christians at church. I thought how great it will be when I do get married because these women want it more than I do.

    I used to lie in bed and weep when I was single, looking for someone for many years. Now I lie in bed and weep – dreaming of being intimate with my wife. I used to dream about different positions and places – now i’ll settle for any way in any place.

    I don’t watch sports. I never go out with the guys and I don’t drink. Some times when I am rubbing my wife’s back I will get an erection and she will grab it and say we should do something about this tomorrow.

    Now when she is naked I try to look away so that I don’t get aroused as it never goes anywhere. I don’t kiss her long because it arouses me and it is just too hard to deal with the guy cramps.

    I thought when I got married I would be having this fun, free, intimate bonding every day. Or multiple times a day… I’d settle for once a month right now. I gave up on the multiple times in one day dream a long time ago.

    So my days go. I read articles on what to do if your wife doesn’t want sex and I am already living their suggestions.

    I wake up every morning with kleenex strewn all over the bed from the last night’s weeping. Then I start my day again.

    For so many years I sacrificed to wait for my bride. I found her, and now I am more lonely than when I was single.

    I wish I had known this before we got married. I will honour my covenant until I die, no matter what, because I love her. And that was my covenant to her. I just wish so much that she would want to be with me.

    I loathe the weekends now because I have to do so many more chores around the house to keep occupied. It is depressing to have those free days when we could be having sex and yet you cannot. Weekdays are still depressing but just for hours not days.

    The longer I go without sex, the more difficult it is to not take a second glance at other women, and the harder it is to resist the temptation to look at porn.

    There are thousands of girls who will let me see their vaginas for free on the Internet … And yet the only one I want to see I have never seen. She doesn’t like to be touched there, let alone viewed there. So it is hard to live out a fantasy when there is no touching.

    I am tired of reading that the reason is that I am not doing enough. I don’t have any spare time to do more. I listen, I encourage, I protect, and I have provided a nice home and vehicles that are all paid for. We have no debt.

    But I would go into extreme debt if it meant having sex occasionally. I would give up all the fantasies of different positions if I could have just one. I didn’t know I could be so lonely. I miss my wife so much, and she is right in the next room asleep with her iPad.

  85. Quit with all the winging about what you need etc etc. Sex is fun if you dont want it there is something wrong with you!

  86. Nice article, and nice writing. The cockpit metaphor is very appropriate–much better than the microwave versus crockpot metaphor I’ve heard before because I know for a fact that not just one switch is involved, as is the case with crockpots.

    Additionally, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is an ever-changing array of switch patterns. While one combination of switches may have worked once, a different combination will be needed the next time. And another combination after that.

    At least that’s how it works where I live.

  87. I’ve noticed how you pretty much blew off every man that has left you a reply nice or not that does not matter. So from what I’ve seen you have some daddy issues and you are also a man hater.

  88. Another women’s blog that blindly places the blame at the foot of the man without ever considering the fact that the issues are more than likely internal.

    Women need to stop think that men NEED TO EARN EVERYTHING… Men simply don’t think this way. It is a trait prevalent in the internal dialog of women and one born of narcissistic thinking, selfishness, and low-self esteem. If your husband made you earn emotional and physical contact, you would be pissed… Yet, when you do it to him, he is a jerk for being offended.

    When women stop thinking that a relationship is about control and making their spouse live up to some idealized standard that they have in their head and just appreciate what they have, they will find their relationships much more fulfilling and happy.

    This blog is a sad indictment on today’s society and the narrow and selfish way we approach everything, including our most ‘valued’ relationships.

    Grow the hell up and stop making everything about you.

  89. Let’s address your 5 points, shall we:

    1. Men need to listen? We listen all the time. Women just don’t want to ever accept that there needs to eventually be a resolution to the problem or issue. Endlessly prattling on about how you are a victim and expecting men to listen without frustration is silly. We will listen and be supportive but for God’s sake, either accept that there is an answer and that it is your responsibility to take action.

    And for the for the record, the concept that women are better communicators is nonsense. Women are better at talking about how THEY feel and look desperately for people who will allow them to go on and on about the subject while validating the selective process they used to reach their conclusions. Men use fewer words and they do listen. It simply doesn’t take that long to say, “I understand how you feel, however, the world does not work on concept that everything YOU want is going to be done”. the Universe doesn’t owe you a damn thing. Suck it up and realize that your needs are no more important than anyone else’s and I think you will find happiness easier to obtain.

    2. We need to remember? Really? We work everyday to show you we love you. Stop being so damn insecure and realize that the things you desire, are desired by men as well. If you are withholding sex, you deserve your fair share of blame for frustration and bitterness.

    3. We need to say thank you? SO DO YOU!!! If you think the rigors of your day are any worse than that of your spouse, you are in denial. You are trapped in a world of self-pity and probably never considered what your husband does for you in the first place.

    4. Act like a man??? Stop trying to get your husband to live up to some idealized version of what a man is and accept that you are far from the ideal wife.

    Your husband is a person. He has individual thoughts, feelings, goals, and needs. I bet you couldn’t name any of them because you are too busy telling yourself that he is spending enough time meeting your needs.

    5. Women need time for themselves? Great! I will help you. How can I help you with that? Just say it. But why does your PERSONAL TIME always have to take place instead of SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE???

    6. Sex is NO FUN??? News flash, if you don’t have fun during sex, then it is your fault.

    Your ORGASM is every bit as much YOUR responsibility as it is ours. Stop thinking that we are unwilling to help you and get rid of your hang-ups and EVERYONE will have a better time…

    Men don’t FEAR women or their sexuality. They become annoyed with women who spend their lives thinking that it is always someone else’s job to fill their needs.

    Grow up… Take responsibility for yourself, your feelings, emotions, and stop trying to communicate through passive aggressive behaviors like withholding sex.

  90. Like most men writing these post I to have frustrations with my spouse sexually. She never wants sex. When I being it up it’s always a fight or I have to get mad to even have sex. She always says she’s tired or headache
    Don’t get me wrong she works hard. We have 2 kids and been married 13 years.
    It’s like she doesn’t want to make time for me sexually.
    I have slacked off even asking for for it anymore cause it’s a struggle
    She acts like she tired or don’t have time but she always on Facebook
    Or the freaken phone texting friends.
    She always has time to talk to her co-works that she sees
    40 hours a week or more but no time for me
    She has time to buy my daughter’s boyfriend a vday gift but nothing for me
    She has time for pintrest or tweeter… Shall I go on
    She treats me good and I love but but somethings got to give
    I’m a male I have sexual needs but she don’t care
    I am so sick of her saying that’s all you care about that’s all you want
    That’s BS. She used to want it 13 years ago
    You would think she would (think) I have a good guy
    I’ll keep him happy and have sex or crap I’d just like some sort of romantic gesture. That not to much to ask.
    Is it me…I tent to think that if I were someone new or famous like justin timberlake she would be on me in a heartbeat.
    I really don’t know how much I can take for how long
    Am I asking for too much?

  91. Though I can understand the allure of people following after you. Especially majority of them women who feel they are underappreciated. Yet I noticed one key factor lacking in this article. One sided arguments are not my thing. Yes since you posted this you simply argued that men who slave for working hard. Minds racked with issues and situations all day should come home and ideally continue this strain by tending to their wives emotional needs and issues at home. I say that’s the breaks hun. I can understand the give and take in a relationship. But, what your lacking is equality. It takes two to tango and if women think men are lacking why there is no luster in the marriage. Ideally you do not understand the psychology of a man. Especially where at the beginning about manhood. There is several ways to interpret it. But, honestly men have a natural domineering genetic makeup that causes us to care and desire to protect the ones we love. We have domineering emotions to be territorial of what we believe belongs to us. Not saying that women are things to own; no it means we see women and family as part of our pack as you could say and no one else can have them. Men believe weakness in the face of others will cause dominance by other males. Women that do not give their men appreciation or complements reminding them of their right hood as a man or their strength are lacking. Women are just as much to blame for inept sex life as men are. Women believe they should be pampered while we do all the work. For me when I get home from work I like to sit down for a moment and just mentally digest the day that I just had. Men hold all their feelings in and good majority do not know how to express those feelings while majority of women are a waterfall of emotions. No matter how sophisticated or advanced as human beings people believe they are the pure underlining fact we are animals none the less. The primitive urges of a human being need to be satisfied most do not understand it and do not acknowledge our baser instincts due to thinking they are higher level of being. The sign for a man is the tip of a spear for aggression. This means men by nature are as the alpha male over their herd and by right hood are treated as thus. Even if the rolls of hunter and gather change and the female is the bread winner a man is a man and should be treated as thus. They need the reminded that they are pure raw strength and the protector of the household. Thinking we have risen above this baser instinct is why the percentage of marriages are falling dramatically. Equality means to me you share the load of the marriage and find ways to complement each other and remind each other they are needed and appreciated. Equality is understanding and taking in account of the other person’s needs and wants before assuming yours comes before the others. Give and take doesn’t mean you think of your emotions before the others you should automatically look for ways to appease the other. Again this is a tango and if the other person is doing the waltz you’re not going to be flowing in harmony. Read their body behavior know that the burden they suffer from. You simply can’t take that from someone and guaranteed a man that doesn’t feel appreciated at home when he gets home is the same inept sexual feelings as a woman expecting to be pampered when he gets home. Think before you speak listen before you act. Jumping to conclusions is the reason most women think they are being underappreciated in the household. Communication is the key to any blossoming relationship if you think you’re doing better than the significant other stop. There is always room for improvement. Some men are so barbaric in nature they can only comprehend one thing at a time and have little to no social skills. This is where I say if you want a yack someone’s ear off so bad get a friend. Knowing your spouse and their demeanor is part of the dating phase and knowing them before you get married. Don’t assume they should hear every detail and care about it for to some it is already a strain dealing with everyone elses crap and having deal with deadlines bosses that one annoying yammering customer just won’t stop complaining. If you have ever wanted to just sit down and allow your mind to go blank. That’s 90% of guys after getting off work. So where are some more tips? We’ll have agreed upon time frames when you get home. If you had a bad day at work allow the first 30 minutes the moment you step through the door to vent allow yourself to unwind and unburden. That means if your pissed by all means raise your voice a little express your emotions don’t damper them. Remember significant other this isn’t directed at you don’t speak just assure them there being heard. After they unload they are to immediately switch mind set to being at home with the family. Next consider each other’s strains exhaustion of being stay at home parent or a blue/white collar shmuck either way you both are exhausted from the day. Sometimes quiet time is a good time for both of you. Hearing noise all day can be strainful especially complaining. That’s why I say first 30 minutes of getting home is ideal time for both of you to vent. Let it out and let it go I say. Next is intimacy well many I mean many believe women are the fortress and you are to woo the pesky guards at the gate to get in. Well remember a man wants to touch you as much as they want to be touched. Also read the vibe of the moment is 4play necessary every bloody time. Men like to be romanced too. What?! Really yeah we like our women to desire us as much as we desire them. We should be the only ones trying to keep it a flame. Desire is the key and knowing how to keep it lit is your responsibility. Yeah this means it is a Tango yet again and you have to know when to take the next move forward. I can go on forever.

  92. This just seems to be the same old, males are not the “men” women want. Here is a little secret, men are not a stereotype. Stop treating us like one.

    Why is there any suggestion or thinking that women do not want to have sex? Talk to your wife and see if she can tell you why she does not want to have sex with you. If you cannot ask her that question then you have problems. If she cannot give you an answer then she has problems.

    A man and a woman are unique and each relationship they create is unique. Do not allow someone else to tell you how you should behave in your unique relationship. Work with the other person and decide if you can each get what you want or need from the relationship.

  93. Another “honey do” list for men? That might have worked 20 years ago after an Oprah episode…maybe. Now it’s 2014, so spittle-flecked lists of things that men must do to earn sex (“now if only they would just do them!”) just don’t resonate.

    Women withholding sex from men in relationships (and vice versa) is nothing new. Relationships still do “work” even when participants are not 100% satisfied sexually.

    Some women are just not interested in sex anymore, and still more couldn’t care less about modern male sexual frustration. Why should they if withholding sex works well for them and the consequences for doing so are relatively low? Today women are extremely busy, preferring to focus on more fulfilling activities in life like careers and education, rather than sexual congress with men, raising children and all things marriage-related.

    On the other side of the equation, more men are noticing the folly of marriage, how the contract is rarely fulfilled, how the odds are stacked against its success, how risky and unfair outcomes tend to be for them in the end-legally, financially, socially, emotionally and sexually. The overall return on investment in marriage for men is typically a diminishing one in the majority of cases. This is not the case for women. Hence the inherent conflict of interest, excessive romanticism, and expectations (like frequent sex) that is utterly divorced from reality.

    The sexual frustration for men on this question of sexual frequency correlates closely with and is proportional to the extent of the man’s contractual investment in the relationship. If the man were not contractually bound, then the sexual frustration would be close to or approaching zero, because the sex-withholding female would have less emotional and financial leverage against him. He (and she) would no longer be a hostage in the situation, and would be be free to find more suitable and satisfying partners elsewhere.

    The problem here is not the withholding of sex. Up to an as long as the behavior works in the relationship, women (and men) will continue to do it.

  94. Meginprogress, you really are a beautiful writer. Tons of people love your content, and it is awesome stuff, but it is just so different from conventional ways of explaining things. I got it. Every time. Not only did I get this DIY make-your-life-better stuff, but I love the open and lovely writing style. I am pretty young, but when
    I am older I hope to remember to write to find myself, the myself before kids and long corporate hours. Maybe I’ll become a writer then too!

  95. Guys seriously, if your having issues in this department lookup Athol Kay (MMSL)and Rollo Tomassie (The Rational Male). The Red pill is bitter, but it holds the answer. No man ever got laid by loading the dishwasher correctly! Sorry ladies it’s true, you just don’t want to admit it;)

  96. When ever I am asked how many children I have, I respond 4. 3 of my own and 1 big hairy one that belongs to my mother in law. Sorry just a bit creepy to think about sex with someone I am continuing to raise , even though he is 50. Not a turn on! It’s gotten to the point where he is just one of the kids. Needs as much care and supervision.

    • Chances are he wasn’t like that when you married him. You either allow him to ack this way. Or you nagged, berated, discounted his contributions to the family and he got tired of fighting with you.

  97. Sorry Meg but you talk shit! Why don’t you do some real research on the subject, like what’s going on at a psychological level. That would be more beneficial. Do the dishes for more sex? And guys when your bitch woman don’t wanna have sex with you just cheat on the bitch. Your wife using sex like a reward, how about you reward her with some good loving, and if she don’t want your good loving then don’t sweat it, find a bitch that does!

  98. Some of you sound like my ex husband. We had 1 child. My sex drive was crazy. I was never fully satisfied All the time, but always pleased him. And I didn’t mind. What ruined me was finding out how much he watched porn. And flirted with girls at work. So stop complaining about how perfect you are as a man and how you should get some but your wife for no reason doesn’t want you. Stop with the porn, stop with the egotistic flirting. I was a stay @ home mom for awhile, and i t was the worse time ever. He treated me like I wasn’t worthy. Anything I did in the house was not accounted for. There was always somethingg I wasn’t doing to his liking. I slept with the bby every night so he can get a good nights rest. And believe me it was never enough no matter what. I was always less important than him. Any concerns I expresssed meant I was complaining. I had it good. I was supposed to be happy. My concerns were never addressed so I stopped “complaining”. My libido died eventually and it hurt to be intimate with him because of all the resentment I had. I focused on my daughter, and myself and less on him. Best thing I ever did was to hold on to my worth when he checked out. When your woman is hurt and broken inside she will notwant to have sex with you anymore. You don’t demand respect and love. You earn it. Women file for divorce more because we are strong enough to get out of bs when we get caught in it. Hey not all women are perfect, and in some relationships the gender is reversed. But majority of men still see women as just people who exist to serve them. I think you can add o the list of reasons why she won’t have sex with you is resentment. Thank you for writing this. Some men are pretty clueless…

    • Who’s dream was it to get married have kids, car payments and a mortgage? His or yours? Men are despised for what they give up to satifiy your dreams.

  99. 1. I’m not perfect in this regard but I’d give myself an A- or B+. Occasionally I forget things, not about “her” but general life, news, friends/family type stuff she tells me. However, I listen to her talk about work, something I’m happy to do, but, most of it goes over my head because we’re in very different professions. She does realize this but appreciates that I listen.

    2. I try. Money + hard to find babysitter = not much.

    3. I DO. Sh*t, most days I get the kids ready for bed, get them dressed in the morning (she leaves for work before me), clean up after dinner, sometimes cook, but usually she’s home first from work. I could improve here, but she’s said her friends are jealous of her because her husband does so much. That’s got to mean something.

    4. I do. It doesn’t really help.

    5. I KNOW it isn’t. Well, she says it is “fine” but doesn’t show much interest. And you know what? I’ve talked to her REPEATEDLY about trying new things. She never wants to. She may give lip service but never act on it. It’s one position only, never oral (giving OR recieving) or mutual masturbation, etc. NEVER. I know she doesn’t orgasm (but I’ve been shy about asking her directly due to her shyness about talking about sex), but she seems to not care. I’m at a loss. I ask her what gets her really going, her reply is a shy and sheepish “I don’t know.”

    Using your plane analogy…if I’m lucky enough to be let into the “cockpit” (Pun intended), she never lets me use any of the controls but one, and if there are controls she has I’m not using right, she isn’t talking. The one I can use doesn’t seem to fly the plane, although I have fun with it myself. I just want more than that, though. I WANT her to want it like I do.

    I don’t think there are deep seated issues here. I really do not. Truth is, post kids it has gotten worse, but even from day 1, she was only slightly more adventurous sexually and modestly more interested in sex than she is now. I can live with that but I’d like to improve things at least a little, and ensure that I’m not the problem and she’s just so scared to tell me, although I’m more mad not knowing than I could possibly be if that were the case and she told me. Some is just sheer exhaustion, and probably some self-image issues, but most of this is ongoing and, to some degree, predates the kids and marriage.

    I love her dearly, and I know she loves me, too. Even if frequency of sex doesn’t improve, I’d feel there were progress if at least she’d TALK about sex more openly. Usually now it’s mostly me talking and just a few basic responses from her. She’s SO open about most other things, it’s weird.

    • Joe, please, please, please, add alpha. You have beta covered brother. Search for “married man sex life” your sex life can be better. I have been where you are.

      • Aah, the “alpha” BS. So I should stop helping my wife with the kids and house (who, by the way, works MORE when you consider her commute) while sitting on my ass watching football, and that’s supposed to somehow help things?

        Does not compute. Am I supposed to just sit on my ass and watch football and drink beer, then at the end of the day, slap her ass and grunt “Me need sex” and that’s it?

        The “alpha” stuff is SO oversimplified as to be pointless. For one thing, it assumes all women want the exact same thing out of a relationship.

        • Joe,
          Evolutionary physiology my friend. I didn’t tell you to stop the beta, I said add alpha. Are you a leader in your house. Are you a leader in your community? Do you have a plan for your family’s future and actively pursue it. Are you physically fit? Are you pursuing your own goals and ambitions? ALPHA! Sounds real simple doesn’t it?

    • Joe,

      Great comment here. Listen, sometimes sex drives just don’t match up. That can be difficult. I’d recommend this reading list. And I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve had a few men and women write me to say that they printed out both articles on sex (from the male perspective and female perspective) and read them together to start the discussion.

      http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-you-should-have-sex-with-your-husband-every-day/

      If it is a possibility, I’d recommend a couples therapist. We all need an objective third party to help us understand one another once in awhile.

      Also, for what it’s worth, I really appreciate the way you’ve written about this touchy subject here. Honest, but with real love and respect for your wife. I am a big fan of writing things that are difficult to say out loud. That approach might work here also if it is done with real love and real concern for her welfare. Women, especially those from repressed households, have a lot of hurdles to overcome when it comes to approaching sex without the baggage of uncertainty or indifference. It can be done. Especially with a partner that is patient and loving.

      http://www.meginprogress.com/the-good-girls-guide-to-great-sex-and-even-better-intimacy/

      Good luck.

      • Thanks for the reply.

        I read your other articles. Getting my wife to take the time to read them (and the books suggested under the second one) is the challenge. She’s very understanding of my position, but doesn’t seem too willing to read any books or anything, even together. She actually told me she honestly doesn’t know why she’s not more open to trying new things in bed. Not freaky, kinky stuff even. “Really it’s just that I’m tired and worried the kids might walk in” is usually her reasoning.

        She doesn’t see it as a “problem”, and I think the fact that I do bothers her, as if I’m suggesting she isn’t “good enough” doing things the way (and frequency, or lack thereof) that we do. As I said to her “I’m a guy, I’m easy to satisfy, it’s your pleasure I am concerned about”. I think her reluctance to read any books, or see any counselor, is her idea that there isn’t a ‘problem’ to begin with.

        There’s SOME truth, I think, to the idea that if we could get away for a whole weekend, I could open her up a bit. But our kids are young (3 and 5) and not quite at an age where I think they would fare OK without either of us for an entire weekend.

      • Meg,

        Sorry, but I have a dissenting opinion. Attraction cannot me negotiated. If I man becomes the best version of himself possible, he will be attractive regardless of her. Her telling him why he’s not attractive (couples theropy) only increases the resentment on both sides. She just wants him to get it. She will be less attracted to him if she has to explane how to do it.

        I spent four years in a sexless marrige after our third child. That is no longer the case. It had nothing todo with the things on this list ( I did all of those things for years). We are both happier for the work I put into myself. It’s amazing what happens when you realize your true value as a man. Others will notice…..including your wife.

        I just want these men to have hope. There is a way back!

        • There is a very good reason that couples’ therapy has an 85% failure rate. (I can get the peer-reviewed journal articles if you want them.)

          The reason is simple – most couples think of therapy together as a sort of last-ditch effort, and therapy doesn’t work that way. You have to be invested in it; you have to want it to work. If you’re on the verge of divorce already, how invested are you really going to be in potential success by then?

          Couples’ therapy works – but only when implemented early. Otherwise the chances of success are always going to be minimal because of the nature of the treatment.

  100. Hi Meg,

    I appreciate the effort and positive intent behind both the “five reasons” lists, and have some thoughts to add.

    Many women react positively to this list because they feel that they do not get the level of consideration it calls for.

    Many men react negatively to this list because they feel the same way. They see this an implication that men are more often inconsiderate than women, and they question whether these are really the major reasons for lack of sex within marriage.

    Both are legitimate reactions, because the list touches on needs we all share: good communication, couple time, help with life’s burdens, and personal time. Historically, the average woman was more deprived than the average man in these areas. At the same time, it remains imperfect, the average marriage is now more egalitarian than ever before. In support of these points, this is worth a read:

    http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/mens-changing-contribution-to-housework-and-childcare-brief-report/

    In my view, we should attempt to address the aforementioned needs for our partner for a much more fundamental reason: because it’s the right thing to do. The need for sex wanes; the need for consideration does not. Making too much of this about sex can verge on the transactional – if you do X for me, I will (be more likely to) have sex with you. Of course this does happen, and will for a long time to come. Likewise, if “X” is “show love, respect and attention”, by all means! It’s when we start talking about dates and chores that I’m a bit more nervous. Additionally, this can create unwanted expectations after a date night, on Valentine’s Day, on an anniversary, etc., when maybe it’s better to just be in the moment and enjoy the company.

    This brings us to whether the list “works”. I am positive that mutual communication, love and respect lead to better relationships. At the same time, some ideas this list reflects give me pause.

    Concerning #3, the idea that a more equal partnership leads to more sex has been challenged by modern social science – see here:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

    I have seen this myself, and many men report similar experiences here. Husbands who strive to be more equal partners are doing the right thing – but there is good evidence that this does not lead to more sex.

    Concerning #5, we all start out bad at sex, and only a minority of women enjoy their first sexual experiences. If all women lost interest as a consequence, we wouldn’t be here. As you say, sex improves with practice. Really good sex requires consideration and communication – the same issues touched on in #1. Those who are inconsiderate and uncommunicative in bed will inspire little interest in their partners. Implying that those who inspire little interest in their partners must be inconsiderate and uncommunicative in bed does not follow; this the fallacy of the converse.

    More generally, focusing solely on male behavior has had the predictable effect of alienating much of the audience you would most hope to reach, when the reality of the matter is far less one-sided. Some items I would add to the list:

    A.) With increased focus on intensive parenting, working women now spend more time with their kids than stay-at-home wives did 50 years ago – see here:

    http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/time-management/spending-time-with-kids-00100000077147/

    The choice many moms now make to put their kids before everything else has consequences; quoting a family psychotherapist from this piece:

    http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1019175/how-attachment-parenting-may-be-harming-your-marriage

    “People do not enter into committed relationships with the idea that all of their personal needs will be put permanently on hold for the next 18 years.”

    B.) The physical consequences of having kids take a toll on a woman’s self-confidence. Compliments are dismissed, physical intimacy is avoided, and husbands feel hurt and rejected as a result. They withdraw, which to their wives only confirms the self-image issue.

    C.) The aging process, hormonal changes following childbirth and the stress of being a modern mom contribute to reductions in libido, regardless of self-image and no matter how great one’s partner may be.

    There are no easy answers here. A husband asking for more time as a couple when young kids are in the picture may be blown off or condemned for being selfish. If a woman is convinced she is unattractive, her husband’s complements will fall on deaf ears, or worse, may be interpreted as unwanted pressure to have sex – even though the same woman will be hurt the moment he stops giving them. The incredibly family-unfriendly nature of modern American life is something that hurts us all, and aging isn’t going away any time soon.

    That said, it’s critical for women in (near-)sexless marriages to recognize that physical intimacy is as important to a healthy relationship as emotional intimacy; the two are linked and neither is optional. Understanding why something is missing is important, encouraging good behavior is essential, but wedding vows call on us to love and cherish our partners unconditionally, not just when they do as we wish. To the extent either partner fails to contribute to this – and, in practice, we are all human and we all have our weaknesses – we can and should try to do better. Not because of what we may or may not get, but because it’s the right thing to do, and we made a vow to do so, come hell or high water. If either partner suffers because the other is unwilling to make an effort, this is an automatic fail, and it will damage the relationship.

    The problem, of course, is understanding when and to what extent we contribute to our partners’ suffering (since we all do at some point, whether we know it or not). Specific to the discussions at hand, the degree of suffering many men experience as a consequence of having a (near-)sexless marriage imposed on them is something that I think most women – the wives of said men especially – have a hard time understanding on a visceral level. As such, the issue does not attract the attention it should, and is too often coupled with the unfortunate assumption that the men must’ve done something to deserve it (no one deserves this). This almost certainly explains some of the most negative responses here; for any man who has been in this situation and really has tried without success, it’s touching a raw nerve. Such situations are especially sad given how short life is and how little time we have to enjoy each others’ company; everyone loses.

    Bottom line, I think posting the two lists side by side would’ve allowed you to reach a broader audience with what is at its core a positive message, and might’ve encouraged more thinking and discussion from those who most need to hear these things. Otherwise, we all
    tend to seek out what confirms our own biases and ignore the rest. Also, while once a day would be wonderful, I think most husbands in this situation would already find once a week to be a major improvement – and I think their wives would be less intimidated by a more modest goal.

    My two cents. Thanks for reading.

    • Hello! Well thought out comment. There are some points you and I agree on and some we do not. I don’t have time to respond, (kids, husband, writing deadline) but I will say that I have the second list you speak of, in fact I recommend it in this very article! http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-you-should-have-sex-with-your-husband-every-day/

      Best,

      meg

      • Hi Meg,

        Thanks for writing. Concerning time, I can definitely sympathize – very similar things on this end. As to your very brief comment, indeed, I was aware of and had already read your second list, and some of your other writings besides, when I posted my comments. This is indicated in my very first sentence (“lists” = plural). My concluding remarks recognize your tandem efforts as well, and directly address their presentation. Needless to say, a lot transpires in between. I know you’re busy, so rather than force the issue, I would prefer to give you the time to read what I’ve written as carefully and respond as thoughtfully as I’ve attempted to. If and when you get that chance, I’ll be happy to have a look. Thanks again.

    • Regarding your comments about #3 (where you said – Concerning #3, the idea that a more equal partnership leads to more sex has been challenged by modern social science):

      This one puzzles me. I mean, if half the reason my wife says she is uninterested in sex is a feeling of being overwhelmed and tired, I can’t see how giving her MORE to do at home is going to help that.

      Unless it’s just a matter of not increasing sex even if she’s overall happier, and the focus should be on the other 4 points, instead.

      It’s like I can’t win, really.

      • Hi Joe,

        Careful with that logic! The source I’ve referenced argues that helping more at home may lead to less sex. It does not follow from this argument that helping less at home may lead to more sex. This is what’s known as inverse error. Your second to last statement (“Unless…”) is indeed the point they’re making. That said, don’t take my word for it – read the article and see what you think. Regardless of whether you agree, it’s thought-provoking, especially given the proposals for why this might be.

        As to your situation, and that of many others like you, to the limited extent that anyone can say this about anyone else, I think I have some idea of how you feel, and I’m really, really sorry. I can only go back to what I said in my original post – we have so little time for each other as it is, that to not make the most of it seems like such a waste…

  101. Oh wow! Another article written by a woman blaming men and rationing sex to modify behaviour.

    http://mgtow1.blogspot.ca/2014/04/what-i-learned-as-mgtow-episode-1-part12.html

  102. I didn’t realize doing laundry was so hard. Dragging that basket down to the river and rubbing my dirty undies back and forth across that washboard seems very tiring. How about a thank you for working all day then coming home playing catch with Jr. cutting the lawn and paying the mortgage and electricity bill that runs your washer and dryer so you don’t have to drag the clothes down to the river. P.S. men don’t stop having sex. They just stop having sex with you. Sooner or later you will wonder why doesn’t he try anymore. His day is hard enough without having to work for affection from you. He is getting it easier someplace else.

  103. The problem is many women are selfish and just want the big wedding and house and car and kids to show off to their friends and family. The husband comes way down the list, and if he complains a divorce is quick and easy, and she gets the lot anyway. There is no reason to want to make him a part of her life. He is stuck until the day she blows him to the kerb and moves on.

  104. My husband of 46 years hates sex, intimacy or any love. We did have sex once but he has never slept with me. He just ignores me and lives in our basement or out in his garage. Worked midnights for over 40 years all weekends and holidays. This has been my life in a nut shell. To old to change things so I hang out till the end.

    • heads nor tails

      You are never too old! I’m sure you told em how ya feel, but seriously. My grandmother in law divorced (his decision) after 34 years, and met her match. She’s 87 years old and has never been more alive. Better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho for the rest of your life. If he (or she) still cares they would have made the effort to resolve the issue (same goes for you toots) If unresolvable, you both are just wasting each others lives. You live every day, you die once…

      • Your are right ‘you live every day’ and you die once. I’m just so tired of my whole life. He hasn’t talked to me in years and refuses to even start a conversation. We can’t even share the same space together. He just walks away and if he’s out side say mowing the lawn and I come out he stops the mower and goes in the garage and closes the door. When I’m gone he will come back outside. So after all these years I’m so tired and just given up.

  105. Hay there Meg,
    I have to say that I read and followed your article but nothing worked. I mean every day I work, come home, clean dishes and house, feed the kids, do laundry and yard work. I ask about how her day was at work or with her friends and everything seems to be ok. But I guess my question is Would my wife not having sex with me and coming up with every excuse known in the book be because of her brother living with us and the smoking pot all the time be a reason? I dont do drugs because of the kids and I dont know what else to do.
    Your article is amazing tho, I told a bunch of people to try everything on your article before thinking of divorce (like I have) and have heard all good things about your article.

  106. heads nor tails

    Been married for four years now, and reading all of your posts has been quite enlightening. It is hard to be attracted to a person who ignores the most beautiful aspect that comes of consimation… A child. Would rather play on Facebook or see what’s trending on pinterest? Plop our child in front of a television while you “take me time”? Teach the child it is OK to throw your belongings wherever you want because someone will take care of it for you? Gender roles have greatly changed in this society, and it is for the worse in my opinion. Gender should have nothing to do with your problems, and using it is a sign of weakness and incompetence. Sorry for the random tangent, now back to the point… Buy a vibrator, go on vacation, sleep with whoever the hell you want… As long as your honest about it. To quote the great Dr. Suess, ” Be who you are, and say what you mean, because people who mind don’t matter and people who matter don’t mind.

  107. Men love your family like Christ loved the church. Wives be submissive to your husbands and husbands be submisive to your wives. NO COUPLE should deny each other rather its physically or emotionally. Come to an agreement respectfully, in today’s time trust is being deminished because of bad experiences and fear. Pray during the good times and the bad times and both men and women need to concentrate on LOVE. Jesus said love covers a multitude of sins, longsuffering is part of the relationship my wife and I both clean and both cook. We have 3 children together and I use to do everything at first becaused I loved her so much. It took 5 yrs before she started cleaning, washing clothes on a regular, and she has never been a sexual person I know we have children but still its true. Being faithful to GOD who sent our LORD and savior JESUS CHRIST, staying faithful to your family to the best of your ability. And stop bashing each other pointing fingers saying things that hurt each other, now if your spouse refuses to come to a understanding they didn’t take their marriage vows seriously. I usually don’t condone divorce unless cheating or abuse is involved but don’t be no ones door mat. Life is to short to be frustrated and angery most of the time the situation can be handled when two people work together. And last but not least LOVE each other and have communication that allows growth in the relationship. That means if you talk to much bequiet and listen that was me, and if you keep everything bound up and don’t express your true feeling how can the other person change what they don’t know which was my wife. And for those who have an excuse for everything and your never wrong or your a control freak stop it.. God Bless Everyone!

  108. Another article that shows just how selfish women can be. Why is everything about what a man should be doing “for you? ” Listen too HER, take HER out, treat HER like a woman, a moment just about HER. Do women have no responsibility in a relationship? Monogamy and marriage comes with strings attached… one of them is sex.

  109. There are a couple of issues I have with this article. For one, it puts the onus for reform squarely on the man under the assumption that he’s not doing this stuff already. I see a number of comments from men here saying they do. I’d say you could fill a small planet with men who do all this stuff and still get left out in the cold. In the comments it seems like the only response is that “she’s just not into you”. There’s another alternative. She’s doing the wrong thing. It’s possible–crazy I know. Marriage is made of two people. Another problem I have is the word “sex”. Sex is nice, it’s fun, but it’s the lack of intimacy that this article should address. It doesn’t have to be sex, believe it or not. Men say sex because it’s a catch all, but the guys complaining are talking about things as simple and nonsexual as not rolling over and completely ignoring them. Kind of removes point 5 from the table, too. I’m willing to bet money and statistics on it. Know what the number one driver for male affairs is? It doesn’t start with “s”. It’s love. Intimacy. Interest. That’s not to say these 5 points aren’t valid, but it is a two way street.

    • I agree Jim , I’ve been with my wife for 6 years and since our daughter was born i feel totally shunned sexually.
      I try to make her feel good, i always cook dinner (she never cooks), i look after my child while she’s at work(We work opposite shifts), I make romantic gestures flowers , candlelit dinner & wine, buy small gifts, give her massages, give her compliments, fix things around the house, give her time to relax, we take turns at dealing with the baby in the mornings too so its a fair share.

      We had a pretty good sex life before my daughter came along and she always enjoyed it and shes never failed to orgasm with me (And no she’s not faking) Im very open minded sexually as well I’ll pretty much try anything once , and always put her orgasm and needs before mine YET STILL my wife is not interested in sex with me.

      Three things my wife can do to make me happy and pretty much all wives can do to make any husband happy, Love and appreciation when he does things right and helps out (This makes me want to do more to help)

      Allow me occasional alone relaxation time (Work on my car, watch something on TV or go out for a beer with a friend) , im not asking for an all day wife neglect-a-thon just a couple of hours of guy time can do wonders.

      And third my wife to want to have sex with me , I love my wife and she is ridiculously sexy to me which makes it all the more frustrating when she’s just not interested in having sex.

      Its worse when you hear the paranoid delusions from her “You will probably cheat on me or something” or “You dont think im sexy”

      Yea because all this effort im putting in clearly means i dont love you (Sarcasm alert)

      Now Im young in my prime only 24 my wife is 27 and im lucky if we have sex once a month , initiated by me and reluctantly agreed to by her after much persuasion and foreplay ends up being great both enjoy it at the time , but then it doesn’t make her want it more in future.

      I literally have no idea how the female brain works at the stage.

      Cook, Clean, Care of the kids, Work, Romantic Gestures , Give her Orgasms, Manly stuff like fix and make things around the house.

      Got all of those well and truly checked off but i can assure you they don’t work.

  110. Your so full of shit, this article is full of romantic childish bullshit that doesn’t exist. Get a fucking life.

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  114. RationalizingOutLoud

    be it in the animal kingdom, or in human behavior, there is one absolute truth. “When the hen crows louder than the rooster, there are obviously two roosters in the hen house!” Romanticize it all you want, in the end if your significant other / spouse / girlfriend / booty call / whatever she is, if she stopps being sexual with you, she is either dreaming of cheating on you, or is cheating on you. Either way, you should try to fix it. If it is beyond repair, you should discard it. This is the bedrock foundation of truth. Everything else is frilly nonsense.

  115. I didn’t know my wife came with an instruction manual…

  116. What about what the man needs?? You only talk the about the women. How narcissistic. Its a 2 way street for listening and understand whats happening with the husband. Most women dont listen to whats going on with the husband’s life and day etc.

  117. You know what, I’m not so sure I want to get married anymore. It is really sad that wives do this to their husbands. Guys, I wish you all the best man, I really feel for you.

    • DON’T Get Married! Please man don’t do it. Not to an American anyway. It seems like it’s only American women that are selfish. And that’s exactly what it is. SELFISHNESS. They want this. They want that. What about what we want? Save yourself some grief, hair loss, stress, resentment, and years off your life.

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  119. Meg I love your style

  120. My wife is so distant and she only has sex with me if I beg her for it or sometimes she gives in and she just lays there till I am done the deed

    • Yup. I know what you’re going through bro. I’ve been there. Hell I’m still here! Best advice I can give you is to to stop asking. There’s no point in it. The majority of the time she’s going to say no, which will lower your self esteem and make you feel unwanted. The time she says yes it will be boring and her just laying there. Tell her you are going to find someone that will satisfy you and walk out of the room. Then see what happens. These girls want to play games. We’ll play games too!

  121. Think about this. Most couples don’t have sex whilst the wife is on her period. That’s 12 weeks in a year – i.e. 3 months. So if you’ve been married for 4 years, there was at least a full year of that time when you didn’t have sex.

    Of the remaining 3 years, think about the amount of times she wasn’t in the mood, or tired, or travelling, or whatever – it all adds up.

    Seeing as we’re such an advanced and diverse society, I don’t see why the concept of polygamy is so distasteful. If one wife is unable to fulfil a man’s sexual needs, why is it illegal for him marry another?

  122. Some women are just bitches. I work like a dog, which means she doesn’t have to, that’s fine and my idea. I spend every home moment playing with or helping with my kids. Can I get a root when I want one? No. Do I give a fuck how much “fun” it is for her? No. Should it be a problem for her to open her mouth and stick my cock in it from time to time? I don’t fucken think so. She has a free fucken ride thanks to me. A brand new house. Two beautiful kids. It’s fucken bullshit. I’m fucken divorcing her anyway. Just thought I’d let you cunts know so you feminists can see what happens. My money’s all hidden too so she ain’t getting shit. FUCK YOUR HUSBAND WHENEVER HE WANTS..!!!!

  123. I have ticked all the boxes above not even having sex in mind but just to make sure my wife has a proper break. My wife is a full time housewife because she won’t trust our daughters (11 months old and 3 years old) with any childminder or nanny. So, I work hard pushing my business while employed weekend part-time to ensure all bills plus affordable luxuries are sorted. On a normal day, I exhaust my physical, psychological and mental strength working hard. I however keep my emotional strength intact. I return home in calm exhibiting love and care even moments when business or finance is at its toughest without putting an inch of such burden on her. I want to chat with, cuddle and if possible sex my wife. But it’s often unlikely. We’ve gone from sex of 7 times a week in first year of marriage to once monthly. My 11 month old was a product of first sex in 2 months and my wife made it clear it was time for another child. So, sex is more like she’s doing it out of obligation rather than out of intimate desire with her husband. Even our once in a month sex is done with the attitude of ‘let me give it to him before he looks elsewhere for it’.
    What intelligibility will you apply to this situation. I am frustrated as my wife has turned to a ceremonial wife with every sense of love and romance gone even when it comes to normal conversation and care.

  124. I’m curious. How many of these stories are from American Households? I wonder if only American women act like this. After having sex withheld from me for over a year I have came to this conclusion.

    If I am doing everything and I mean EVERYTHING I believe a husband and father should be doing to satisfy his wife and she (the wife) is not doing her part then in my mind the best thing to do is find a girl who will. Guys either get a divorce or get a girlfriend on the side. We tried to tell them what we want and they don’t deliver. I know for me anyway. When she told me she wanted something I would do it.

  125. No. No. No. No.

    I am married and I have as much sex as I can handle in my marriage and I don’t do hardly anything Meg proposes. At least not very often. I am not a jerk or a hater. Love my wife, love my children and we all spend lots of time together. I do the things that attract my wife and will attract most women.

    Meg’s five reasons is a list of reasons women think they are not having sex with you but it is really a list of reasons the relationship is not what it should be, or the 5 rationalizations your wife is making for not having sex with you.

    Here are the REAL reasons your wife is not having sex with you:
    1. Sickness/disease
    2. She is asexual. She either started that way (overly religious in the wrong ways or other psych reasons) and you have never had a good sex life or she became that way (age, decreasing hormones, post-pregnancy changes, etc).
    3. She is not into you.
    There is no 4 or 5.

    So – will anything on Meg’s list fix these? Nope, nada, nein, nyet.

    Solutions:

    #1: See a doctor. It may be a long term thing, sex is not everything – hang in there for the one you love.

    #2: See a doctor or psychologist. It may not be solvable. If she really loves you and is not selfish you may be able to reach a compromise – maybe not. Sex is not everything- hang in there!

    #3: She is not into you. Oh – here is where Meg’s advice is supposed to help, right? However, Meg’s post seems to assume that women are asexual and just reward good relationships with sex. Women also like to think this. However, its not true.

    We can observe how false this is by looking at women at their sexual peak – ages 15-25: peak fertility and peak sexuality. The modern college girl is having sex with every hot guy she sees. Men that don’t do housework, men that don’t care if she enjoys sex. Men that don’t give her flowers, share in her woes, listen to her. Well – you say – those are just sluts. Sure, but they are also women acting on their natural sexual impulses by seeking out men they find attractive and having sex with them. And we are talking about sex, right?

    So if your wife is sexual and not having sex with you she does not want to have sex with YOU. Your wife friendzoned you. You need to become attractive in a way that women like or your wife likes and nothing Meg proposes will do it. Don’t get me wrong – women love that stuff, but it does not make them want to have sex. You should do some of that stuff for the RELATIONSHIP.

    No man is ever going to have more sex because he does more dishes. The very idea is laughable. Here is the role reversal from a mans sexual point of view. You are a married woman who was very attractive when you got married. The sex was amazing. Your husband could not keep his hands off you. Eventually you had a baby and your body changed and you gained 100 pounds that you have too busy to get rid of between the baby and the job. You put away all the sexy outfits and make-up because you are tired and busy. The sex has slowed down and your husband never seems that interested in you. You are wondering why your husband does not want to have sex with you and you really want to have more sex. The man version of Meg would tell that women her solution to having more sex was to work hard and get a promotion at work! Every man in the world just laughed because its so silly. What should she do? Hit the gym, wear make-up, be flirty. Duh! She should increase her beauty and…she will have more sex. It is hardwired into men. If her husband is not cheating, doing porn, or asexual, he will have more sex with her.

    Women are also hardwired. What should men do for their wives if the man wants more sex? Visit married man sex or another website others have suggested because the answer is too long, but shorthand is do what studly powerful men do. If you expect what Meg suggests will work you will be forever disappointed because she has given you the rationalizations women use for not having sex, not the reasons they are not having sex.

    Now, determining if the problem is #2 or #3 is a bigger struggle as an asexual wife is a totally different problem for the man. Do what Meg says for the RELATIONSHIP with the one you love, for SEX you need to different things. And unlike Meg’s suggestion, we can observe in the real world what sexual women want and it is not flowers and romantic dinners. Women love flowers from men THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH. Not from their friendzoned husband. That’s just a little nice. Women love romantic dinners from MEN THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH. The friendzoned husbands romantic dinner just seems like he is trying to get something, or maybe he is trying for some sex. Be the man she wants to have sex with and she will have sex with you.

    http://marriedmansexlife.com/ is a good starter but the idea is not new and can be explained on 100s of websites. Just not Meg’s.

  126. Wow I guess I lucked out. After 10 years and 2 kids we still have sex almost every day. I’m not expected to clean house or do the dishes. She understands the concept that I earn 100% of the income so she can stay home and be a mom. Sure, I clean up after myself and I’m not a slob but I don’t think most men are, except in the minds of their wives who have been totally feminist-b*tched thanks to watching Oprah, etc.

    Then again, she was raised in a good family with a strong father so maybe that has something to do with it. Or that some of her friends married for money and it disgusts her.

    To the men who are putting up with this nonsense, you need to start planning ahead. Find a good asset protection guy and get referrals to a good divorce lawyer so you can pack your bags and get yourself a REAL woman without losing half your money and paying through the nose the rest of your life.

    BTW she is 5’9″, blonde hair, blue eyes, 124 lbs so I’m not married to the stereotypical chubby conservative farm girl that every feminist who reads this is probably imagining.

  127. Bank holidays in India aree declared by RBI (reserve
    bank of India). Buy lots and lotts of food and have lots of activities ffor both
    children and adults whho come. is only $10 or 10 credits for the whoke month
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  128. Meg,

    The fact that I found your post as a result of a Google search tells you where I am in my marriage, so I’m not going to go into any further, demoralizing detail.

    This comment is just to thank you for sharing your insanely amazing writing. Your sense of humor, dose of reality, and obvious awesomeness as a person made this the best thing I’ve read in quite a while.

    Thank you!

    David

    PS…I quoted you in a post I wrote tonight out of a need to share…I hope you don’t mind.

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