Five Reasons Your Wife Won’t Have Sex with You
I wrote a post a couple of months ago called Five Reasons You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Day. Some people loved it, some people hated it. While the spectrum of responses did not shock me, the fact that they were weighted to the “love” side surprised me. I was only called an idiot once and dumb ass twice, so maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. Today after months of obstacles (Hello, Cancer. I am looking at you, you and you) I am finally sitting down to continue the conversation. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Just one request. If you are going to call me names, please think of something more creative than dumb ass. I know you can do it. (One woman did say I was a prostitute for having sex with my husband, so there was SOME degree of imaginative thought the last go around.)
In my last “get it on” post I told women that if they want their husbands to act like a man, they should treat him like a man. It seems like such a simple statement but we live in a time in which gender roles are growing, changing and stretching. In so many ways the attributes that made our grandfathers men are no longer considered mandatory for the manhood of today. Some of the changes I lament and others I welcome with the slow clap of victory. I have a book’s worth of opinion to write on the subject. However, for the purpose of this article I will keep my definition of manhood constrained to that portion that affects the husband segment of the population.
Ready? Let’s go.
A man is not made by physical strength, a sense of superiority or rigidity. Manhood is not predicated upon an ability to fix, make or shoot. A real man is not ashamed of softness, but he does not bow in the face of hard things. The things that make a man have nothing to do with class, race or rank. Rather manhood is found in the core values that bind together people as diverse as the gentleman scholar and warrior soldier. A man puts the woman he loves first. He wakes up at night with crying babies and closes the door as he leaves the bedroom so that his wife can sleep while he soothes. He works every day, inside and outside the house, for the life his family deserves. He knows that in marriage there is no “his and hers”, there is only “ours”. He knows this applies to the drudgery as thoroughly as it applies to the joy. A man gives happiness before he asks for any in return.
I think there are a lot of men and women still trying to understand what manhood means and where it has a place in their lives. Some maintain 1950’s sensibilities in a world that has outgrown them like a pair of childhood saddle shoes. Others were told by people “who knew best” what to expect or deserve and woke up one day disillusioned because the people “who knew best” were wrong. Many don’t know they have the questions but sense they are short of answers. And all the while it becomes harder and harder to hold onto physical and emotional intimacy.
There are so many men that come home each day, throw their socks on the floor, turn on the TV and wonder why the women they love have stopped wanting them as men. And so many of the wives in those homes lean against the wall and wonder when that boy they married will start acting like the man they thought he would grow up to be. Then the kids go to bed, the lights are turned off and they each fall asleep until the next morning that leads to the next distant night.
Sex is at once so much more than anything else and so much less. It is a sacred language only the two of you speak and a good laugh. It is slow and love and fast and lust. It is give and take. It is an escape from the everyday and a return to yourself. It is reality and fantasy. It is need right now and forever I promise. It is giggles and fizzles and fireworks and almost there and don’t let go. It is important.
And many men can’t figure out why they’re not having it.
Ahem. Hello Sir. Yes, you. Go ahead and turn the TV off, put away the video games, walk away from the preparations for the boys only camping trip. I want to have a few words with you. You know that girl you married? The one that hasn’t let you touch her for days, weeks, months, years? Well, she’s not having sex with you for some pretty damn good reasons. If you promise to be nice, I can let you in on five of them right now. Put on your big boy pants and get ready for some truth bombs. (Don’t worry too much, I think you are man enough to take it.)
Now, on to the things you need to do, haven’t done and can learn with flair.
1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.
You need to listen. A woman needs you to listen to their dreams, their concerns, the way a day has made her feel and the aftermath of her successes and failures. Listening to your wife is one way of showing her that she is not just a reflection glanced upon at the end of each day. It is a way of communicating to her that you know she is complete and important and of worth.
You need to remember. And I am not just talking birthdays and anniversaries. (Although I would strongly suggest you don’t forget those.) Of course, every now and then remember to bring home your wife’s favorite flower or a packet of those pens she loves or tickets to that concert she mentioned a few months back. It is amazing what the simplest gesture will do for a woman that loves you. Also remember who your sweetheart is, remember where she hopes to go, who she hopes to become. And then on the days when the world gets too big and the rooms are too small she can call on you and you can help her remember, too. It is amazing what striving to understand the woman you love will do for the life you have together.
You need to say thank you. It can be a tiring place, this happily ever after. Yes, there is love and there are kitchen dances and sweet cream baby cheeks. But there are also sleepless nights and mortgages and post baby stretch marks. Thank her for every long day and long night. Thank her for every smile and laugh out loud. Thank her for your babies. Thank her for the dreams she pursues and the ones she puts on hold. Gratitude is often an action. Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, “Thank you.”
Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?
ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.
2. Take her out on a date at least twice a month. Put on spiffy clothes and take her to a restaurant, museum, movie or stroll around downtown. Open her door and put your hand on the small of her back. Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race. Making out in the car before driving home (while optional) is strongly suggested.
3. If you want your wife to treat you like a man, you have to act like a man. Your wife did not marry you in order to raise you. She does not live to wash your dishes, pick up your socks or put the kids to bed by herself while you watch the game for “just five more minutes”. (Although she will happily do all of those things once in a while just because she can.) You are not her project or responsibility. There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.
Your wife married you because she decided her life would be richer and more meaningful with you as a partner. Stop trying to prove her wrong. You are her ally in adventure, tedium, fear, joy, laundry, dishes, children, lack and plenty. There is no such thing as women’s work or men’s work. There is only your life’s work together and she needs you to roll up your sleeves and dig in right alongside her. Cook dinner, change diapers and kiss bruised knees. You will be amazed at how much more happily (eagerly!) a woman will share her body when she knows you are there to share all the big and small parts of her life.
Side note: If I hear one more of you say you are “babysitting the kids” while your wife is gone, I will start handing out copies of The Feminine Mystique. (And nobody wants that.) They are your kids as thoroughly as they are hers. You aren’t babysitting, you are parenting. When she leaves don’t make her feel guilty, don’t ask her to take the baby with her (she will if she wants to) and don’t text or call to ask when she is coming home. They are just children, for heaven’s sake. I think you can handle it.
4. She needs a moment in each day that is just about her. Your wife needs time and space, two things that are in short supply in a life full of work and play dates and pick ups. She needs room to breathe, create, to stop and do nothing at all. Every woman is different. Some of us dive into bubble baths, others walk under the stars and some (this one included) write until they find themselves at the end of a sentence. Remind her to escape. It will help her remember she wants to come back. When she returns she will be rejuvenated and renewed, the absolute opposite of, “Not tonight, honey. I am too tired.” Hint. Hint.
5. It isn’t any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not. For reasons unknown, the female orgasm has been shrouded in a cloak of mystery and unattainability. (In case you were wondering, the cloak is made of polyester and really doesn’t breathe well.) I have to lay the blame for the perpetuation of this myth at the feet of men. I believe the accepted reasoning goes something like this: “Female sexuality is very different from male sexuality therefore the workings behind it must be impenetrable.” (IMPENETRABLE! I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)
This, of course, is not true.
I had a professor that once gave the perfect description of the differences between the two sexes, ahem, “get up and go”. He said male sexual arousal and orgasm was like turning on a light. Locate the switch, turn it on, and let there be light. Mr. Professor then said female sexual arousal and orgasm was more like flying a plane. Once you get in the cock pit you have to flip switches and buttons in the right sequence in order to prepare for takeoff. The process is slightly more involved and yes, you have to get a feel for it. But once you do… holy cow, the sky is the limit. (Oh my gosh, I hope my Dad stopped reading two paragraphs ago.)
Don’t be intimidated. At any given moment most men can explain the rules behind the BCS, know what is happening under the hood of their favorite car and quote stats from sports people only care about when the Olympics comes around. You guys are capable of processing information and applying it in life. That is the only skill needed here. No magic involved. Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to’s are not a secret. Don’t be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden.
Hello again, sir. How are you doing? Did I say orgasm too many times? I am so sorry.
Orgasm.
Alright, so maybe you haven’t been at the top of your game the past few hours, days, weeks, months or, ahem, years. One of the purest joys of life is our ability to change for the better. Start now. Leave the TV off, take a break from the video games and postpone that camping trip. You have work to do and what a great work it is.
And my goodness, isn’t she worth it?
Hell, yes.
Audrey gets it.
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oh how i love this article! very well said there! can’t add anything better!:)go Meg!
Oh my goodness! Thank you! Go Inna!
hi I have done evrything thing you said in that post. i always cook help clean let her have her space ! we have been married for 3 years and she used to crave sex always in thre beginning. i raised my two sons by my self for 16 years alone no woman at all i did not have time, so i have know and even dated my wife since 1978 (went our seperate ways and 30 years later we found each other ) we rewconnected 4 years ago so now that I am haveing sex again it took me a while to GET IT BACK and have confidence and now when i want sex she says im tired or i drank too much and when we do have sex now i ususally like to please her first but that last 3 or four times she lets me have my orgasm frst and then i say ok now it is your turn and she says no im good and i say why and then she says im sore down there or im dry or what ever the excuse is she seems to have lost interest and i asked her whats up ? she said we have been marriwed now for a while and the whole meeting someone new you know the novalty has worn off do i need to worry about this what the hell am i supposed to do i have totally changed and tried breing what she wanted me to be and im really thinking that she might be not interested in me any more maybe she wants it from someone else . and by the way you are stereo typing men we are not all the same .I will not call you anynames but your wrong a lot of men are sensditive and im one of them
Mike,
Of course many men are sensitive! Even the ones that need to fix the five things I listed are good men (at least much of the time). This is simply an article detailing SOME of the reasons women won’t have sex. There are many more reasons. Some good, some bad. I appreciate you not calling me names..that would seem unnecessary. I hope you and your wife find happiness. It sounds like marriage counseling is in order. (And that is okay. All marriages can benefit from that at one point or another.)
meg
meg i only said that thing about someone calling you a name and also thaught that it is disrectfull your just trying tio help people !
I am just confused in the beginning she just wanted that all the and the last two nights we had had sex when i try to please her she said that you go first and then when it is her tunr she is not interested in havre the pleasure on her part I do not want to her to have sex just becouse she may think she is doing it just so i will not complaine I would rather not do it unless she feels like doing it right where we both are satisfied and she also said that the newness of the relationship like the first few months where passion is endless i dont know what she is telling me or am i just trying to hard. I do love her but she has ben married once before and cheated she said she did it when knew her marrage was over but still married it was with an ex boss who she still has had contact with not recently but she has had lunch with him sa while back i did not know that this was the guy that she so called friends with benifits she swares there is nothing going on but she works 4 houts away and stay there two nights a week so like i said i am very sensistive and am just dont want to get hurt again. thank you looking forword to your next reply . i will check back in later.
one last comment she is 47 she should be at her peak from what I have read about
Hey Mike, I think the best thing to do is go to a couples therapist or, if you are religious, your reverend or priest. Good luck.
good morning yes we do go to church and i wanted to tell you that in regards to your advice I started to give her space becouse I realized that she has a very damnding 13 year old daughtere and last night I just came home cooked dinner and cleaned up evrything and did not puty any preasure and gave her some space and I think that she likede that, and we did haver a talk and i told her what was on my mind and what i was thinking what she may or may not have been up too. so i think things will be ok I relize that she is feeling over whelmed between work me and her daughter not to mentrion her ex husband that is a total control freak so I have learned and understand a lot more from just talking to you and remebering those 5 rules to understand woman . thank you for your kind words and help .so for now things are looking better and I need to not be to sensistive and have moore self esteam ( sorry if my grammar is incorrect) have a great day and god bless you.
~mike~
Sex is good. The problem is, our culture has debased it to the level of shaking hands. Monogamous sex, with a spouse you respect, love, & with whom you can communicate, is something that is completely mindblowing.
After 4 kids, & nearly 9 years of marriage (and a LOT of ups & downs), I can say, intimacy with my husband (yes, sex, which is part of that) has never been more fulfilling.
(and I agree, practice does make perfect.)
Agree. Agree. Agree. Contrary to percieved notions sex in the circumstances you describe is absolutely bat out of hell fantastic. Thank you so much for your insight that while not all intimacy is sex, sex is intimacy.
And it’s like our mothers said.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
Wink.
“Absolutely bat out of hell fantastic”. I love it! Amen sista friend.
I’m thinking we should all print out this piece and the one that goes with it and give them as gifts to newlyweds. Or maybe paste a QR code on the wedding gifts that links back to here.
Wow! Do you have a sister?!
This is so great.
Thank you! And thank you for commenting! I love comments! (I really do.)
You are rad. I’m seriously developing a friend crush on you by virtue of your brilliant writing. (And the polyester cloak is hysterical!)
Chelsea, the crushing is oh so mutual. Let’s get lunch. I can be at the airport in 25 minutes.
And thank you so much for being so kind about my writing. My goodness, girl! Coming from you it means so much! Have a fantastic Thursday!
Meg, you’re a genius, and an amazing writer!
Hahaha. You are just biased because we are real life friends. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I LOVE IT!
This post made me tear up a bit. Not because my husband is a douchbag or because I suffer with so many of these issues (although no one is perfect!), but because I know how heartfelt and passionate you are about wanting people to be happy, to reach their full potential and wanting to help them better their lives. I can always feel your sincerity and love in your writing. You are such an amazingly gifted woman and writer, and it is an honor to be your friend!
AMY! You are too good to me and give me FAR too much credit. But I love you dearly and am so happy you see me as being better than I really am. We all need friends like that.
I am the one that is lucky to have you as a friend. Really. Truly. The end.
Ditto! Well said Amy. You’re so sincere and passionate and you swear so perfectly. I wish this post could have been a commercial during the Super Bowl. Love you Megs!
I’m with Amy. You’re so sincere and passionate and you swear so perfectly. I wish this post could have been a commercial during the Super Bowl. Love you Megs!
Love it! These posts of yours are my favorite. Always a fun and introspective read.
Thank you! You are my favorite. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Thank you! Thank you!
…and by “these posts” I mean the posts that you tell it as it is… not necessarily the ones all about sex. Just realized my comment could be a little misconstrued. I may be called a prostitute myself soon. Oh geez. Digging a hole. Deeper and deeper. That’s what she said. Ok. I’m done now.
Hey Meg, how about this one – Try!!! I laugh when dudes complain they can’t get any now that they’re married. Well how much effort did you put into it? I Remember as a single dude, staying up till 3am giving massages just hoping to make out. Now we as married men demand our sexual needs be met on demand or ELSE!
Sorry dudes, our lack of sex is a choice we each make. And some of us are more stupider than others.
JAKE, I love your insight. Just try! Remember all the hoops you were willing to jump through (happily!) before she said I do. Realize that so often (not always) the lack of sex is a choice made through actions or inaction. GO JAKE!
Oh Meg, how I love thee!
And I you, and I you!
I absolutely adore your blog! You are truly one of the most unbelievable writers, and I can never wait to read what you write! Somehow you’re able to articulate the things we all feel and think but can never seem to say. I tell all my friends about your amazing blog and we all love you! I really hope you write a book one day… I already can’t wait to read it!
Oh my goodness thank you so much! I love you and all your friends and wish we could have a cupcake party! And my goodness, a book? A girl (that’s me) can dream. Until then, thank you for reading and commenting and being a part of this goofy journey!
Thank you. I’m so glad that someone put BOTH sides out there. So many of us WANT to have sex with our husbands on a very regular basis and have a hard time explaining why it’s difficult. Men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex. It couldn’t be more complicated. Thank you for simplifying.
You summed it up perfectly! Just a few sentences to say what I blathered on for paragraphs to get across! So perfect. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment, Hope!
Excellent piece–funny, riveting and oh so accurate! So now can you make it a handout with let’s say…TV’s, take-out pizzas or any electronics?!
Cindy! What a great idea. Could you imagine?
“Here is your combo pizza, sir. Also? A handout about how to better pleasure your wife.”
I am at the two year mark of my second marriage, first one lasted 31 years , i wont go in to detail of why it did not work, but it ended when I got cancer in 2007 , I came in to new ,with 31 years exp, she had 23 so we are good at this marriage , we dont seem to have to say well you do this and I will do this in return , my wife is my PARTNER , EQUAL , TWO OF US ,NO BOSSES etc, I treat her like a queen and in doing that she treats me like a king .I have not been able to work much in my last 2 years because of health , the wife goes to work , I get up in the morning make her breakfast fix her a lunch I clean the house , make the bed, wash clothes ,make dinner , we go out once a week dinner or movie or something , what I’m getting at is we never new what love was until now , we tell everybody that we won the love lottery , I can’t do enough for her and she is the same to me , my only prayer is that I could give her 31 years , our sex life is incredable , we both want to take care of the other , she is a lot younger ( 6years ) but her health is far far better then mine and I have made some good changes in her ability to orgasam its simple !!! I wait , at my age I have that ability, we talk , we know what we like , we are very open ,and its kind of funny but some times I just tell her to use me in any way you want head to toe with me on my back and you tell me if you can ORG and at that point it does not matter who is on top . we have also found out that when we just cuddle it is like going all the way , enough said , we love each other ,we are in love with each other and that grows every day P.S SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND
So glad you have found happiness.
Meg!
I love love love this post. It’s just as amazingtasticgoodness as your one for the women! I nodded, burst “amen, sister!” quite a few times, and teared up a little bit. As usual, you hit the mark–right in the center of the target.
And how are you, by the way? I’ve gotten to see Riley recently, but have thought and thought about you. With all that thinking, one would think that I’d have called. I’m so sorry I haven’t yet. I could go on about being so busy, blah blah, not having my old phone with your number, blah blah, but really it’s all just junk and I’m not a very good cousin or friend.
I do love you like crazy, though, and we’re all pulling for your super-tough dad and your awesome family.
I love you, lady! Congrats on this awesome post!
Hello lady! So glad you liked it! And I love your new word. I want to name it and make it my own. You are a wonderful cousin and friend. Life gets busy and I of all people totally get that. I hope you are doing so well and thank you so much for sharing the link! LOVE YOU!
your sex posts should be required reading….for the whole world! if i were a hacker, i’d put these up on lds.org.
YOU WIN THE BEST COMMENT AWARD! Thank you, Annie!
Oh my goodness and could you imagine? (Although I agree, there needs to be more openness about sex in our religion.)
I’m not sure how it would fly on lds.org, but agree that it would be fun!!!
Oh, how I look forward to reading these beautifully written thoughts that I believed were uniquely my own. You out-do yourself every time. You are so talented and so creative. I think I’ll save myself from butchering this with a paraphrase, and just forward it to my husband. It’s what I’m always trying to say, only it’s said perfectly here.
Katie,
Oh I am so happy you have found something to relate to here. You have just absolutely, completely made my day. And your compliments are far too kind. FAR! I am glad you sent this on to your husband. (I sent it to mine, too. Wink.)
This is the absolute truth. Fortunately for me, my husband quit gaming before we got married, but there are always other distractions for both of us out there. Oftentimes the kids are those distractions.
I have discovered though that the simple thing of my husband doing the dishes or folding the laundry or taking care of whatever mound of mess was left that day is SOOO sexy. It just shows me that he was paying attention to what might be frustrating me, and did what he could to take care of it—which in turn gives me more time and desire to focus my time and attention on him.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!
Jamie,
I love what you say about your husband paying attention to the things that frustrate you and taking care of them. What a lovely (and sexy!) thing it is when the man we love lightens our load simply because he can. Thank you, thank you for reading and commenting!
In Mindy Kaling’s book, she talks about how she wants to date a man, not a boy. Sometimes I feel something but I have a hard time concretely forming those feelings into words. But when I read those words, it was SO clear to me why I’ve always been in love with James and why everyone else I’ve been with pales in comparison. He’s a man.
I have friends who tell me about how their husbands aren’t stepping up to the plate. They’re moping about not getting their way, complaining about their responsibilities, and YES, calling their time with their kids “babysitting.” The lack of sex is just one indicator that things are amiss. Because it’s this general resentment that leads to not wanting to have sex, which then leads to not wanting to communicate, which can really lead to a general unhappiness — and wondering why you’re together to begin with.
I’m so glad that you wrote this post. Please, please send it to a men’s magazine so that guys actually read it. Or maybe man-boys don’t read men’s magazines. Maybe you should send it to G4 or something.
xo
This is great, Meg! You were actually able to eloquently put into words the feelings that I want to express but that typically just come out as pissy hysterics. So can you create a faux blog with a gadget or football theme and post this? Then maybe I can trick my hubs into reading.
Oh, your sex posts are the best. I feel like my husband and I have it pretty good but there are always things we can work on, and this was a good reminder.
My parents are amazing, but I think they came from the generation where sex is more of an obligation that only occurs on special occasions (perhaps its because that’s what they thought was normal). So the only talk I got before I got married (besides the initial “talk” when I was younger) was that sex is sacred. Not that sex is freaking awesome. I hope that I can be a little better at this with my kids. It took a few years before I allowed myself to really enjoy sex and those years were super hard. It’s not the most important thing in a marriage but it sure makes marriage a hell of a lot easier!
These are ideas for boys. Is there also rules for women?
For example if in your marriage the man goes to work every day and the lady stays home and does not need or want a job that there is an equal divission of effort and labor taking care of household chores.
Seriously many men are still the sole supporting bread winners. Now we are to do that, make dinner when we come home, do the laundry, feed the kids, bathe them and put them to bed so the wife has time for herself.
Please just give us a fair deal here. There is a certain amount of money that each couple needs to feel secure. There are an equal amount of household duties to be done. If you are letting one person do all of the work required for half of the equasion step up and do the other half and feel proud you have done your part.
Seems as if withholding sex is just a way to get back at a spouce for being PO’d about whatever it is today.
Actually, these are suggestions for “men” not boys, men who aspire to be better men and better husbands. Your commentary has reduced marriage to an economic exchange. “What will you give me for what I provide you?” Reduced to the “quid pro quo” arrangement you describe there is little room for or necessity of love.
I have three daughters. They are all married now. The three young men that married them were all courteous enough to come and ask me for my daughters. In our discussion I explained to them what was expected of them. In my house my daughters were loved without condition. I explained to the young men that I expected the same would be true in their new home. I told each of the men that they were not marrying my daughter to be a house keeper or for sex, they should only be marrying them if they loved them, unconditionally as they had been loved as infants, children and now as my grown daughters in my home.
Admittedly, love is more difficult than an economic exchange. However, unconditional love is also irresistible. I explained to these young men that true love means a marriage is not a 50/50 equation, it is a 100/0 equation. I explained to them that didn’t mean to work really hard on the relationship to get what you want, it means accepting the burden because you love the other person. Unconditional love implies an “unfairness”.
Unconditional love will find reciprocation. Bitterness and resentment are choices. Choose to love her instead. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” That doesn’t necessarily mean die. It could mean serve, perhaps even for a lifetime.
I will be married 30 years this year. I have tried your arrangement and was unhappy, resentful and alone. I have found that loving my wife without expectation has provided me with happiness and a close companion. The scale will never balance. There have been times I have carried her load, and many times she has carried mine. Without her I would be dramatically less. With her I can do so much more, if only for her. I hope you find love, it is so much more durable than sex.
SJL, I can see your point of view here. Thinking that the article means to do all the work and money-making, plus all the housework would seem very unbalanced and unfair. Luckily though, I’m sure you would agree that you’d be hard-pressed to find any mother ANYWHERE, that would actually sit there ‘having time for herself’ all day and all evening while you did all the work. I think you’ll agree that most moms (working and stay-at-home) spend every bit of energy they have on keeping up with their endless responsibilities. But just to ease your mind, there is a companion article to this one for the woman, in fact. It’s all about why you should have sex with your husband everyday. The common denominator between both articles is that marriage and intimacy thrive when we focus on giving to and serving the other person. We’d all be a lot happier if we gave 100% of our efforts in loving and serving our spouses and worried less about keeping score.
Lana, I assume you are taking the piss when you say that “you’d be hard-pressed to find any mother ANYWHERE, that would actually sit there ‘having time for herself’ all day and all evening while you did all the work. I think you’ll agree that most moms (working and stay-at-home) spend every bit of energy they have on keeping up with their endless responsibilities.” Please tell me that you were joking, if not I would suggest that you immediately stop drinking the Kool-Aid.
Asum,
Your comments are welcome here, but your combative attitude towards Lana is not.
Refrain from using language such as “taking the piss” when interacting with ladies.
Perhaps that should be reason #6.
A few things…
I love the way you write. It’s actually inspiring. Maybe I’ll start a blog once I’m a mom and need an outlet. Also, I like what you said. I’ve only been married for 9 months… we’re pretty much doing great as most would probably guess. But I found this entry to be eye-opening to improvements that even WE can make now. Also, you made me appreciate moms… holy cow you moms have so much going on and so much to think about. I can just imagine finally putting the kids to bed and going into the kitchen to see dinner still a mess on the table and tons of dishes stacked in the sink – sex? It’s almost laughable. But to finally put the kids to bed and walk into the kitchen to see the table cleared and the husband loading up the dish washer – oh man. My heart! I can see why that would really make a difference.
Anyways, I like your blog.
Nans, Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! It was so insightful and I love that you are thinking about your marriage down the road while still appreciating the happiness of right now. So great! (And congratutions on your new marriage!)
Much love,
meg
I am so happy to have found your blog! Good stuff—really good stuff.
Write on!
Nakeia,
So delightful to see you here! THANK YOU SO MUCH for your encouraging comment. You have no idea how a few nice words can just REALLY make my day. I hope you are having a lovely day yourself.
LOVE!
Meg
thank you. thank you. thank you. I don’t know if he’ll ever get it, but I feel like less of an idiot knowing I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Britt,
I know. I hear you.
Here is what I hope and believe…with honesty, patience and all that love (you know the stuff that was there when we all first got married and then gets a little forgotten or stale?) the two of you can learn this together. I believe this because it is something we have had to knock out in our own marriage. (And will have to knock out again and again, some lessons need to be learned more than once. ha.) You aren’t an idiot, your feelings are valid. You are lovely.
Much love to you and yours,
Meg
Ps. I am a HUGE advocate of marriage counseling. Sometimes we need to be able to have important conversations in mediated environments. Somewhere where resentment, hurt, confusion (all those NORMAL emotions) can be guided a bit. It can be some work to find a good marriage counselor that fits, but once you do it is gold. I mean, my car needs an oil change every 3,000 miles by an experienced mechanic. Why shouldn’t my marriage get the same (or better!) treatment?
A hearty bravo!
YES! THANK YOU! (HOW ARE YOU?)
Meg, I just read this out loud to my mom and we were laughing so hard. I laughed so hard that I cried and I am snotting. You are so great.
AH! I LOVE that you read this to your mom! OH MY GOODNESS, Ashley! Let’s go get dinner. Your state or mine?
Great job! I love you meg and feel honored to know you in person you are so gifted in writing and I pray all your dreams come true!
xo
You are too good to me as always! LOVE YOU!
Oh Meg, this just made my heart stop:
There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.
Thank you for summing up so much of what went wrong my first go-around. How grateful I am now for a husband who GETS IT. and get GETS IT… I also mean gets IT.
Okay now I’m embarrassing myself. Huzzahs for you!
Stephanie,
I AM SO GLAD YOU COMMENTED! Also, your comment made me laugh out loud. So. Win-Win.
I am so glad that you connected to that sentence. When I wrote it I was little worried it was too ummmm blunt. But if Stephanie says it is alright THEN IT IS ALRIGHT.
Let’s get together soon.
Meg
My professor compared men to a microwave and women to a crockpot. It was a good lesson to learn early in our marriage.
And it took me a minute to realize the BCS wasn’t a sex term or Kama Sutra position…oh, right? Football!
You are cracking me up! BCS! ha!
And yes, microwave and crockpot I like that! Also such an approachable way to teach it. I am putting that one in my back pocket.
Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. It means so much!
useless reading. women marry men to have children and do whatever they have to get the man to marry! the man like myslelf is stupid enough to believe the lies. A number of men like myself just suffer after the women get what they really wanted, then they start to get over having sex, or not in the mood…most seem to lie to get kids and have a family, then they decide their wants are most important, no sex is their control. If you are a man that likes sex, it’s simple…don’t marry…unless your not religious—you can fuck another chick. If you don’t want sex have the children she wants and you won’t get sex anymore…option number three: listen to all this bullshit, you work, the woman bitches about how it’s not her job as a home maker to clean, do laundry etc. on drugs versions of womens lib makes her more important than the provider of money, and they can stay home watching a racist like opra telling them how they are better than men because of their sex. it’s simple, women fuck until they get what they want, then it’s back to controlling. just like the creater of this blog…she fucked/sucked until she got what she wanted, then she became a nun in her mind, now she’s a rude idiot because some carpet muncher decided her views are correct. Men want sex from their wives because it makes the man feel like his life has a purpose to make her happy, the children make the man feel like the wife is happy because her desires are met, if the wife is a home maker the man feels like the wife is supposed to make the home clean and raise the children in a good way, this bullshit of the man having to oral the woman or the woman oral man is bullshit. man and woman are supposed to respect each other and their positions in the marrage. the provider role can change and that is the reversal of positions, now in my opinion if the woman makes the money and the man stays home to raise the kids roles reverse…but if the parters dont have sex, they are at fault for the failure. I am married, but at some point i won’t refuse another girls advances because as a man we have a need, we have to come in a dream or in reality, in my so called ‘dreaming’ version is unacceptable, i guess for other men it is the same. i am done with my rant, stupid women just ignore this because, well…if you don’t know what womens rights movements refused in the 80′s you’ll remain clueless anyway. ( hint look up draft and women)
Reply
Ladies, just a general rule…If a man doesn’t know how to use a comma or a period then he also probably doesn’t know his way around anything else. Ahem.
And sir (I will use that term for you despite the misogynistic, hate filled language you directed at me), all I can say is that I truly hope you don’t have daughters. It would be one of the true shames of this life if a man like you is raising a precious little girl.
I hope you find a way to be less angry.
Amen sister.
Yeah well basically at this point I am ready to go get a special massage. I am not sure I could live with myself getting more than that, but I am so frustrated, I am starting to justify this.
Sounds like a marriage that would benefit from couples therapy with a good marriage counselor(as all do at one point or another.)A marriage counselor is someone that can help you be honest with your wife (and her with you) in a safe place. Tell her you love her and want to make your marriage as good as it can be and that you want to find a way for the both of you to work to make it better. Tell her you love her. When you approach her about the counseling don’t use accusatory language. Good luck.Ps. Did I mention you should tell her you love her? wink.
I have a few bones to pick with you about your article as I believe it to be well intentioned but full of stereotypical assumptions. First, the idea that a person coming home and throwing off the socks and turning on the tv is somehow a male trait and not a trait shared by both sexes is simply wrong. The behavior you describe by that passage can be characterized as someone unwinding at the end of a long day. Both men and women do this, and should. This is not a bad thing and it is difficult to always be on all the time. Secretly, I believe your comment regarding the socks and tv is merely an artificial construct upon which the rest of your article can float.
With that said, I do agree with suggestion numbers one, two and four (3 & 5 I can’t make heads or tales of, but I will make an attempt (see below)) Being a better listener, spending a night out on the town together and making time for one’s self are all important activities for both spouses. (Although you did not mention the importance of these activities for men in your piece, I presume that you would not disagree that they are indeed important for both men and women.)
With regards to “if you want to be treated like a man, act like a man” what does that even mean? Your assumption appears to be that it is the man who is acting like a juvenile somehow and it is the woman who is actually the adult in the relationship. In every relationship that I have been in as an adult, both of us have acted as adults (read responsible) and like children at times. Dare I say this exists in every relationship. For example, I have been married for almost 10 years and we have two small children. One of the lessons we teach our children is to put things where they belong (jackets go in the closet, shoes in closet, backpack in room, etc.) However, the minute my wife gets home, her boots are off in the living room, the jacket and/or trousers are on the back of the dining room table. I then have to either move the items myself, tell her about them to have her move them (an argument in the making) or leave the items there as a bad example to the kids. Neither of these are palatable alternatives. The odd thing is that my wife is always shouting at the kids about not putting there belongings in the proper place.
Your article seems to have that underlying assumption that women are responsible and men are irresponsible. For example you mention the man rolling up his sleeves and joining his wife in doing work, the assumption being that it is a given that the woman is doing the work (and by implication the man is not). This is and has not been the case in any relationship that I have ever been in, including my marriage and a brief unscientific poll of my married friends do not support your lopsided characterization of the domestic dynamics of relationships.
Your point number 5 concerning a woman’s orgasm is simply odd as it seems to place the entire responsibility of her reaching orgasm on the man which is simply ridiculous. A woman should dare I say be woman enough to have explored herself to know what (to be crass) gets her off and to be able to communicate that to her partner. There is nothing wrong with being communicative during sex. Suggesting that a man needs to read a book almost seems to remove the woman from the equation altogether. It seems to me that if a woman is not getting what she wants/needs sexually, then it is incumbent upon her to express what she does want specifically and clearly. Men are adults and have no compunction about saying specifically what they want in bed, both in the bed and outside of the bedroom. Women should also be adults about this. Don’t get me wrong, there is certainly nothing wrong with reading books on anatomy and sexuality etc, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that sex and orgasms are a most natural act and a woman (as does a man) should know him/herself well enough to communicate desires to the other without the other having to go read up on it.
Apologies for the long post.
Asum,
First of all, this post was a brief survey of five reasons a man isn’t getting sex. Just five. Trust me, there are many more and they all occur in varied combinations. I suppose I could have dedicated the rest of my life to documenting them, but I have slightly better things to do. Your comment (rambling and condescending as it is) seems to take the stance that these five reasons never exist in any marriage, anywhere. Could you point me to the “brief unscientific poll” that supports this assumption?
As to reason #5, did you in fact read that thoroughly?
“Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to’s are not a secret. Don’t be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden.”
“Ask her questions”, “Learn together” “Have a lot of sex” How is that not involving the woman?
As for a man educating himself through reading a few books. My goodness, man. Have you never experienced the triumph of introducing your partner to a sensation or experience she did not know existed? Have you never decided to meet her on equal ground rather than simply following to the places she has already discovered?
Pity.
And also, Asum, do not use the word “incumbant” at any time when referring a woman’s sexuality. Totally ruins the moment.
Lichen Sclerosis, killed our sex life…however I found out after nearly a year of no sex, and none the past 4 months…That she wasn’t really using the prescribed remedy as directed…just enough to control the itching and some pain,but not enough to allow us to have sex.
I had purchased some medicine online that claimed rapid results for this condition, it was expensive but I did not care, I hated that she was dealing with it and felt equally as bad for her and was upset that our sex life came to a halt. Well two more months go by…I am sleeping next to a gorgeous, sexy woman…I am hurting with desire..night after night, we kiss and go to sleep.
So I started investigating this deal….she had two medicines to combat it and it hasn’t been alleviated.
I picked up the medicines and read the instructions, I also went online and looked up the applications, etc. Well I then asked her if she was getting any relief, she said no and I asked how she was applying it, she was only sparingly using either medicine. From what I read it requires application three times a day for a week or two until all symptoms stop and then for several days afterwards to insure success…Well she admitted she was only using it for flare ups enough to stop the itching and pain, not enough to clear it to the point we could have sex again. It was very hard for me but I told her the other night my feelings about having a sexless relationship and I needed her to make a effort, she said she would, that she wanted me (sex) too.
So a week later I find that she still isn’t following the directions and is making excuses about it. Now I am coming to conclusions I don’t like; She doesn’t really want to have sex with me anymore, simply based on her lack of effort to try and change things. She hasn’t consulted with her doctor for three years for help.
I am in a spot…I have women all over that I could pursue, but I am steadfast that loyalty and trust cannot be broken, and I cannot engage with the woman I love.
I start thinking that I am not good enough…the guy’s she was previously with were like Big grammy winning Rock stars or handsome airline pilots, the kinda people you’d see on a poster or something. I’m not that by any means….I am sure I am nothing at sex like those Pro football sized dudes, she says, I am “ok” in bed, she’s told me it’s… every time for her, I understand that’s wonderful, right? So what the heck. Now I wonder if she’s having an affair, or dreaming about one, I start tripping when she’s late home, having stupid jealous feelings when I see a guy giving her the attention and her eyes lights up! Or I see her checking out a hunk. I feel like a moron, we have so much in common yet this is driving me nut’s.. I am very, very sexual and I am living like a monk, I think it’s getting to me and I’m starting to be angry and I know I shouldn’t go there, it’s eating me up! Last night we got in a quarrel, one of our first ever and I lost it, I yelled at her, just raged on, then stormed out to cool off. I was a jerk and now I am hating myself, I detest anger like that…..and now, I’m sure sex isn’t on my radar for god knows when.
Anyone have some insight…I’m starting to obsess with sex…what he heck….help!!!
It is more than normal that sex is necessary for you.
I think this is an ideal situation for a couples counselor. Bring up the idea of counseling as something to improve your relationship, not as a means of getting her to have sex with you. The last thing a woman wants to feel is that all she is to her man is a means to sexual gratification. Take some of that pressure off of her for now. Tell her you feel like you need to learn how to communicate with her better and that you want her to be able to communicate with you in a way that makes her comfortable.
In counseling, you will be able to express your needs in a safe environment and she will be able to do the same. She will also be able communicate the reasons she is not interested/unable to have sex with you. Perhaps the medical condition really is uncontainable, perhaps her drive is low, perhaps there are other problems in the relationship that keep her from feeling sexual with you. Stop comparing yourself to previous relationships and stop worrying about affairs. Neither thought process leads to anything worthwhile.
When you get home today tell her you love her and tell her you want to work on the relationship to take it from good to fantastic. Remember that when something is done out of love, without recriminations, it is much more effective and long lasting.
Good luck.
You’re an amazing writer.
Thank you so much!
I have several friends who need to read this to their husbands, especially number 5! I feel bad for them when they say they don’t like sex. And I feel bad for wanting to say, “Then, you’re doing it wrong.” Or, “You’re husband isn’t doing enough.”
After 21 years of marriage, I can say, it only gets better.
Jewels!
I love this comment. Man! I am going to remember this, “After 21 years of marriage, I can say, it only gets better.”
PREACH, GIRL!
Another good one here. So young, so wise.
You are too kind. Also…feel like ripping Jeff (the comment after yours) a new one? I am a little too tired for it today.
Love you!
Post is nearly complete bullshit. Women will not have sex with husbands that do what they’re told, ie – do everything their wife tells him. She shouldn’t be doing that anyways, but feminism has given women social sanction to boss husbands around.
It’s not about any of the reasons here (extra tip for both men and women: never ever ever ever take relationship advice from women or feminized men. Men have the biological imperative to dominate women, not be “in service” to them. A man’s mission in life comes first. Feminism has obliterate the natural order between the sexes and we end up blog posts like this. Take the red poll and duck anyone else who gives you this horseshit.
One other thing–sweetheart, snowflake–NO woman is worth the hassle of jumping through hoops, except for modern American men who are now trained from birth to pedestalize women.
This is why I married a girl from the Ukraine. No hassle, no nagging, no post-feminist horseshit. Love all the way.
American women have priced themselves out of the market. You can’t compete with video games and endless porn.
Just admit that you were lied to and you’re not at all as special as you’ve been led to believe.
Meg….. U r good…… Really good…..
)
I am very impressed with your thoughts, humor, and effective communication on such important topics…. So many positive comments …….
Except for some…… But Jeff and his friendshavelittleweewees…. Hahaha ahhhhhh keep on truckin MEG
Ignore the lil angry doggies….. Aghhhhhhh!!
Lil wee wee boys go home
Stretchitoutjeffittlgrow!!!
Hey, Jeff. So glad you found love–
Ah, wait. No. I meant video games and endless porn. Sounds like a fulfilling life there, kiddo.
You say the post is bullshit? I’m sorry. I think that foul stench is coming from you, seeing as you’re a complete asshole.
And you don’t want an American woman? Good. I’d be sad to see such a woman waste her time on your sorry, pretentious ass.
Your misunderstanding of feminism had me rolling on the floor laughing! Which, of course, is a great thing!
Meg I’m so disappointed in you. I’m want to start with some of the replies you left to the men responding on your article. Although I don’t agree fully with their comments, they do make some valid points. Your response, of lack of response to Asum was pathetic. You only wanted to belittle him for his comments instead of having an actual debate on the issue. You reply in another post about a lack of punctuation, instead of talking like an adult. I continue by saying this article is completely overrun by stereotypes as Asum suggested.
The second part of my response is why this article is more fiction, than fact. I have been married to a wonderful woman for several years. We started our relationship with a bang. We couldn’t be separated. There was so much magic, and it was great. As our marriage has grown, it has become increasingly harder to keep that magic. I also realized that most women believe that it’s a mans responsibility to change to keep the fire going. It’s such a load of crap. Marriage is, and always has been a two way street. This article implies that men are doing everything wrong. Well here’s the truth. My wife and I both work full time. I do work more total hours a week, but I believe she works just as hard as I do. We have small children that we both love dearly and we share responsibilities parenting them. When it comes to house work, we share the responsibilities, both inside and outside our home. We have nearly a non sexual relationship. I have done a number of the things you wrote down and it has changed NOTHING. You wrote, ” Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, “Thank you.” Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?
ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.”
What a bunch of crap. If that’s all it took, EVERY man would do this. Your article implies that women are simple, and we man just need to do a little more to help. Well women are NOT simple. They are very complex, and often don’t know themselves what they want. That’s why men don’t get it.
I have sat down with my wife several times and talked to her like married couples should when they have a problem. She assures me that I help out plenty when it comes to chores around the house, and being a parent. I do forget a lot of things, but when your given a task list of a dozen things to complete, along with the dozen things you already had on that list, some things will be forgotten. Sorry. After I explained that, my wife said she completely understood. We often go on dates. So what’s the issue? I wish I knew. I have brought up this issue numerous times, and I can’t get an answer. The only thing I can think of is that I’m expected to know what the issue is. Well seeing how I can’t read minds, I guess I’m up the shit creek.
So after reading this article, and many others like it I know this:
1. Women still think men can read their minds. WE CAN’T!! You need to communicate with your spouse.
2. Women believe men are broken, and it’s their job to fix them. There is nothing wrong with your man.
3. Women believe men don’t having feelings. Well we do. They can be hurt just like yours. Tired of getting yours hurt? So are we.
4. Women have been brainwashed into believing they are all princesses. I’m sorry, you’re not. Quit making unrealistic expectations for you man, and work TOGETHER to fix your relationship.
5. Women use sex as a weapon. If you just do the dishes, I’ll have sex with you. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!? Want your man to hate you, do this.
So women, seriously. Take a deep breath, and go talk to you man. If it’s really all about the dishes, GO TELL HIM THAT! If you love him, for God sake, have sex with him, or you might lose him.
Dear Unappreciated,
Oh dear. I really hate disappointing people I have never met in real life. I don’t think it is patronizing AT ALL when a man I don’t know tells me how much my little woman thoughts have disappointed him.
Whatever shall I do?
I thought about taking the time to respond to this seriously, but then I thought…Mr. Unappreciated didn’t really take the time to read through the entire conversation. He didn’t read the article where I tell women to have sex with their husbands (http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-you-should-have-sex-with-your-husband-every-day/). He also seems to have missed my response to the comments from men that feel like they are doing everything and still aren’t having sex. The ones where I suggest couples therapy and tell them their need for physical intimacy is legitimate.
Also, Mr. U thinks that rather than mock punctuation I should have a serious debate with a man that uses language I haven’t heard since sitting behind all those unwashed, angry boys on my jr high school bus. (You know those immature boys that weren’t getting any but wanted everyone to think they were? So they said awful, vile things to make themselves feel like men?)
And finally, when it came to Asum…I did respond to him. And my response was that I disagreed with him.
I am not sure what you read in my article that led you to believe I don’t think men have feelings, or that men should read minds, that women are princesses (even though they, like totally, are) or that I approve the use of sex as a weapon. I am not a therapist but there is this thing called projection…you might want to look into it.
So Unappreciated, I think you should take a deep breath. Go to counseling and talk to your wife in an environment where you can both be comfortable. And please, please find a way to live in a world in which you are disappointed with me. It will be difficult, but I think we both can find a way to manage.
meg
Meg,
I need to thank you for opening my eyes.
Over time I became about 40% of your description, and I started working on that today after stumbling on your site. I am a soldier, a thinker, and a worker. I am also a bit of a softy when it comes to my wife. I still look at her the way I did when we first met. Unfortunately for me, I am the guy who has 2 full time jobs. One of them is a restaurant. the other is a Wall Street business man, so you can see the pattern. My wife works at our store full time (she is also a diabetic). The success of our store has taken it’s toll on her, yet she still came home and: did wash, cooked, cleaned, and grocery shopped. I never really thought to thank her, or always pick up my socks, put the dishes in the dishwasher, made the bed, or always remembering to say thank you. I am very good at remembering, and tending to my wife’s needs during those few intimate moments.
This morning I decided to turn things around. I let her sleep, closed the door, and did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, put the whites in the wash, made her coffee, and when she was in the shower, I started making the bed. Imagine the look on her face… She was in the doorway of the bedroom, with her mouth open as I put the throw pillows on the bed, and turned around to get my coffee. She came over to me, felt my forehead and said “who are you, and what have you done with my husband”. for the first time, she did not have to run around at 3:30 am. I did it… And it felt good. Let’s see how things go…
Some of us do listen and realize the err in our ways, so keep writing on this topic (because anything that can help us guys is always welcome).
Thank you.
Robert,
My goodness, man. You just made my day. I am pleased as punch over here. Smiling ear to ear.
She is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have her.
God bless.
Meg,
I appreciate the advice, but I’m just not buying it. I do all of the above (consistently), yet still only have an encounter once in a blue moon. My wife usually gives me a hug and says she loves me…that’s it! When we do have sex, it’s always just me doing all the work. Hopefully the few guys who are reading this article (since it’s mostly just women) don’t stop here…
Good day!
Blake,
As I have said a few times, these are just a few of the reasons women don’t have sex with their husbands. There are so many more! I couldn’t possibly detail all of them…they are very personal and ever changing. And many of them have nothing to do with the husband…not even a little bit.
However, I will say I get emails nearly every day from men and women alike thanking me for the insights contained here. This article may not have been the right one for you. But it is right for some. And that is really all I could hope.
Good luck in your quest, Blake. I hope you and your sweet wife get on the same page.
meg